


Choices

by Swifty5h13



Category: Demi Lovato (Musician), Fifth Harmony (Band), Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Background Relationships, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Slow Burn, Slow To Update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2019-12-26 10:34:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 53,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18281231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swifty5h13/pseuds/Swifty5h13
Summary: Y/N Lovato was the biggest superstar to ever hit the business. She sold his first single at the age of 14 and from there she skyrocketed. Finally, at the age of 21 she had millions of fans around the world, more number one hits than any artist in music selling history,  and more money than she knew what to do with, but there is more to her than anyone ever realized.Her perfect life turned into a train wreck and she ran away.Now her oldest sister is getting married, and she is left to pick up the pieces of the life she left behind. Will she be able to find the courage to make the right choices?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Fanfiction. I don't know or own any of the characters, and there will be tons of background characters and relationships. This fic is a super slow burn, but eventually, the pairing will be Lauren/you. There is some abuse mentioned, but it will typically be within a flashback/memory and be clearly labeled as a trigger warning when it happens, and the end of that section will also be labeled if you want to skip it entirely. Camila never leaves fifth harmony, and Demi never overdoses. This story is also on Wattpad.

Prologue

The soft light of the television illuminated the spacious living room. It contrasted nicely with the darkness behind the large glass windows. It was strange. New York City was always cast as the city that never sleeps, but between the hours of midnight and four am a stillness overtook the constant movement. It was uncomfortable. Even though I was technically surrounded by millions of other people, it made me feel completely isolated. No. It didn't make me feel isolated, it reinforced how isolated I had become. My life had gone from playing sold-out arenas surrounded by my closest friends to watching old interviews and discreetly stalking fans on Twitter for mere entertainment.

Part of me desperately missed my old life. I missed making music and watching a stadium filled with thousands of people along sing to it. I also missed the quiet moments with the one I loved, how first light of the day would brush across her face, painting her with oranges and yellows. I missed my sister and their advice, no matter how terrible it was. I sighed but still allowed myself to linger in the past for a few more moments. It probably wasn't healthy, but I knew that things would never, ever go back to the way they were. It would be impossible after the incident. Impossible for me to return and impossible for them to ever forgive me.

I internally laughed at the statement. Impossible. My slogan was once that I was in the business of proving people wrong. They said it was impossible, and I laughed in their faces and did it anyway. I thought impossibilities were a myth until I was faced with my own head on. I had made an impossible choice. A choice to spare them from all the backlash and hate and take it on myself. At the time it had felt like the only option. In all honesty, both choices had sucked, but this was what they wanted. This was what they needed. Now I was trapped in the never-ending cycle of what ifs and what should have beens and pretending I didn't care at all. I had spent so much time trying to find myself, but I often wondered if I had just become more lost.

I sighed and returned my attention to the two screens before me. I found it strange that the stations played old interviews and adds at two o'clock in the morning. In this day and age wouldn't it make more sense to play movies at odd hour?. I guess re-runs were better than makeup commercials.

The television was playing an old 60 minutes interview with Demi and Lauren. I had seen it when it aired six months ago and many times since then. So many that I could probably recite it word for word. It was just another part of my cycle. I would try to quit and ignore everything, but I could never seem to stay away for long. As irrational as it was, part of me hoped and prayed that this time it would be different. That they wouldn't say the words that continued to tear me apart. Each and every time I would be disappointed, but I couldn't seem to help myself. It was sick, but watching old interviews somehow made me feel closer to them. It made me wonder if they thought about me as much as I thought about them.

From the moment they sat down, I could tell they didn't want to be there. They both sat straight in their chairs and gave short, vague answers. The interviewer asked about simple things like album releases and tours, trying her best to get them to relax and open up more. However, her efforts were to no avail. Both of them knew that the inevitable question was coming. The interviewer attempted to bring up the topic gently with a "what is your take on the Y/N situation,". Immediately the question was met with a displeased look from both women. Demi drew her lips into a tight line before taking a breath.

"The media had a field day with the news. My twitter kept blowing up for at least a week after the announcement was made." The move was so subtle that most people wouldn't recognize it, but Demi was trying to swerve the conversation.

"yeah, my phone and the girls' phones were continuously buzzing for weeks. It got so bad that we actually had to turn off our Twitter notifications." Lauren took Demi's lead and tried to shift the direction of the interview off of me. They both began an energetic conversation about their twitter's and Lauren's bandmates' addiction to their social media. This was the most engaged they had been all interview, so most interviewers would have let the conversation continue, but an extremely displeased look slid across the reporter's features. She must have been determined to get the story she came for.

"Well as you both know one of the hottest topics on social media at the moment is Y/N Lovato." The interviewer cut Lauren off mid-sentence with a tone that was snippier than it needed to be. Lauren froze. Her eyes widened slightly.

"well, that really isn't something too uncommon, considering She is one of the most influential men in music. She's written so many pop hits of this decade and..." Lauren began to try to again switch the topic away from the question everyone wanted to know the answer to, but the interviewer was having none of it.

"What I meant was everyone was wondering what happened between you two and Y/N?" The interviewer cut right to the chase. I suppose she figured that if she tried to dance around the question any longer, Demi and Lauren would keep trying their best to derail her interview.

At the direct question both my sister and ex-lover froze. They righted their posture and gave each other the briefest of looks as if they were both trying to get on the same page about their next move. They had both been asked this question many times before, in many different forms and fashions. I knew what was coming each time. I had signed the papers, agreeing to the narrative their teams wanted them to tell. Their logic had me impeccable. They had convinced me that this was the only way to protect them. But that didn't mean that I had to like what they were going to say. Each word was like a knife twisting in my heart.

"Well, as you know our relationship was never really what it seemed. Y/N never really treated me as she should have. Everything was always about what she wanted and needed. When she didn't get what she thought she deserved from me, she started getting it from other people. She openly cheated on me several times, and then forced me to help cover it up."

There was a slight edge to Laurens' voice, and her eyes gained a faint glassiness. Anyone watching would attribute it to how upset I had made her, but I knew better. She didn't like saying it as much as I didn't like hearing it. I sighed.

"yeah. Y/N was always a player. She wanted to portray herself as this standup guy, but in reality, she used people and threw them away when she was done." Demi interjected. To the untrained ear, it sounded like a simple statement backing up Lauren, but I knew better. Lauren was losing it, and she had to cover. They had put so much work into their story; they couldn't afford to have the truth come out. It would be so much worse than my supposed cheating scandal.

I took a deep breath and tore my eyes away from the screen. Their voices becoming nothing more than background noise to keep me company. It was odd, but listening to them talk was comforting. I focused on the smaller screen sitting in my lap. I refreshed the twitter tab and began to mindlessly scroll through the comments. I was grateful that I had remembered to create a fan account so many years ago, going on my professional account would be suicide. The fans were passionate, and any sign of me would cause an uproar.

They hadn't been pleased when the story that painted me as a villain broke. They had fought so hard against it. They had gotten #Y/Nsside trending and kept it in the top ten for months, and sent so many tags begging for my side of the story. Aside that would never come. It was sad, but they had become casualties is the war between everyone I loved and myself.

I clicked on the trending tab and smiled. The top four trends were related to Fifth Harmony winning multiple AMA awards. Along with their win, there were the same desperate pleas for the truth. It seemed as though the fans had stopped begging Lauren, Demi and me and focused more of their attention of the rest of the girls. There were also several related to a picture Taylor had posted and a supposed countdown to an album. Several of Taylor's fans continued to theorize that I would be featured in this "new" album. Taylor had just announced she would be playing at the Iheart radio music awards and the fans also suspected I would be making a guest appearance alongside her. They had really gone all out and it would go down in history with roses as another crazy blip in the narrative that never came to pass. I had no intention of walking into the lion's den unannounced.

Still, it was fun to watch them go crazy over all the possibilities. It was moments like this that almost made my isolation worth it. If they knew about the events leading up to the incident, chances were there wouldn't be a Fifth Harmony to root for. Two of the four girls had been pissed when they found out how the incident was going to be handled and threatened to walk out. Though they hadn't been told the truth, using me as a bad guy had been the only way to smooth over the cracks in the band. They still weren't happy and suspected that they weren't getting the whole truth but had eased up with some persuasions. I couldn't allow them to destroy their careers. I shook my head and exited out of the tab. It was bringing back far too many memories for my liking.

I reached for the guitar sitting on the white couch next to me and replaced the computer in my lap with it. The memories swirling around my head had only reinforced the tune I had been working on for days. My fingers of my right hand wound around the neck of my Martin guitar, grasping a few of the strings, while my left began to mindlessly pick the melody I heard in my head. Together they were able to bring what something that only I could hear to live. The unwritten words to the melody raced through my mind.

"I'll be drunk again, to feel a little love" I hummed quietly, reaching for my newly purchased black leather book. It was a new replacement of my old songbook, but already it was filled with the past. Taylor had been able to help me work out my writer's block, and it was like the flood gates had opened again. I had more than enough material if I ever decided to return.

Just as I began to scribble the new chorus next to the already written verse, a voice interrupted me.

"What are you still doing up" I heard the groan of one of my best friends behind me.

"I could ask you the same question Taylor" I shot back at her. I didn't turn to face her, instead choosing to finish my scribbling, but I knew she had a displeased look. She didn't agree with my sleeping habit before the incident, and now she just made her disapproval more apparent. We had had many conversations about how sleep was necessary for daily functions, and she ever tried the whole "your body is a temple nonsense", but it couldn't fix the fact that I didn't sleep. It never mattered how tired I was. There were just nights where sleep was impossible, or it was easier to just stay awake. I couldn't have nightmares when I was awake. Before the incident, my sleeping habits had become somewhat normal, with the exception of a few nights here and there, but now they had returned to the craziness they were before Demi and I had gotten sober.

"You didn't answer me" She moved and plopped down on the couch next to me.

"I was thinking too much to sleep" I sighed again. I owed her honesty, considering I was crashing at her apartment for the time being. I had my own in midtown, and I had tried to go there. The issue was that fans and Paparazzi were staked outside. No one could enter or leave the building without being bombarded by noise and camera flashes. I was trying to lay low, so an encounter with them was not on my to-do list. I had shown up at Taylor's and explained the situation, and she had easily agreed to lend me her guest room. That was a few weeks ago. I was nervous that I would overstay my welcome, but she insisted that it was better for me to be here and safe, rather than bumming around on the streets. She would also comment that my newly restored ability to write outweighed the cost of giving me a place to stay.

"You shouldn't watch this Bullshit. It's probably not helping you" she grabbed the remote from the table and flipped to the Disney channel. Taylor was well aware of my issues.

"I couldn't help it" I said with a sigh. It was true. I hated watching them, but something in me forced me to. It was an uncontrollable need to make sure they were ok and protect them at all costs. I was still very much committed to them, even if they weren't committed to me. That was also part of the reason I had laid so low. I knew that anything I said would be held against them, and that was something I wasn't prepared to handle.

"I know you still care for them, but at some point, you're going to either have to confront them or move on. You are going to drive yourself insane watching the same interviews over and over and expecting a different outcome." Taylor moved to sit on the table across from me, making me look her in the eyes.

"I.." the words were caught in my throat. I couldn't say I missed them. That would be selfish. I had done everything in my power to push them away and place myself in the role of the villain. I had given everything to protect them. Saying I regretted that decision would be a lie. Saying I wanted them back would undo everything I did.

"you're allowed to feel Y/N." The statement was simple. To most, it would seem like a no brainer, but I knew that it didn't apply to me. My feelings and desires were not important. That had been driven into me from the age of four.

**_Flashback (abuse mentioned)_ **

_His face loomed over me, a sickening smirk gracing his features._

_"You said you wanted to protect them, well I'm giving you exactly what you want."_

_His rough hand grabbed my shoulders uncomfortably tight, and I felt my back come into contact with the wall. Part of me wondered how it hadn't collapsed under the force he had just used. The squeak that left my mouth caused his hand slowly closing around my throat brought me out of my wondering._

_"you say thank you when you get what you want. You little bitch". My head was thrown to the side by the slap, but his other hand remained firmly on my throat._

_"You want to be a Man and take the pain for your sisters than fine. But you will learn that REAL MEN DON'T CRY." His teeth gritted together, and my head was thrown to the other side. It didn't hurt yet, but I knew that this was just the beginning, His hand left my throat and I collapsed on the floor in front of him. He moved quickly to remove his belt, the grin never leaving his face. His hand gripped my chin and forced me to make eye contact with him._

_"I don't want to hear a noise out of you. Got it"_

_**End of Flashback** _

"Y/N" I flinched when Taylor reached out to touch my arm in what was supposed to be a reassuring gesture.

"Where did you just go" the concern was evident in her voice.

"My dad" were the only words I could form. This was why I hated thinking about the past or my feelings. It brought up memories I would rather not remember.

"Want to talk about it?" Her voice was gentle. I had met Taylor in a little café in Nashville the night before she would be discovered. We had exchanged some songwriting ideas and had been best friends ever since. ( _Author note... in this fic, Taylor is a good guy and not a lying conniving snake. If anyone has a problem with it, you can change the name. that sounds rude, but I like her so I picked her. Also in this fic, the whole Kim/ Kanye thing with Taylor never happened and the whole Calvin/Taylor thing never happened.)._

She had become like an older sister to me. She was one of the few people to know most of my past. She knew about parts of the tumultuous relationship I had with my father. She was also one of the few people who got to see me without my walls. I had built this indestructible persona for the fans.vShe was confident and slightly cocky, she believed she could do anything. I was not that person. The real me was shy and insecure. Always anxious about how my creations would be perceived and terrified that I would be unable to protect the ones I cared about.

"Just so you know your entire fandom is having a meltdown." I rapidly shifted subjects, trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling that had settled in the pit of my stomach.

"O come on Y/N. You're going to have to talk about it at some point. You can't keep Changing subjects and avoiding my questions. If you keep bottling everything up, eventually you're going to explode." She threw her hands up in frustration. I stopped my journey and glanced over my shoulder.

"I don't bottle; I sort out my feelings in music. You know that." It was a true statement. I was unable to physically speak about my emotions, but I could sure as hell write a hook to express them. I wasn't lying. Before I left, I had begun to write a song expressing how I felt about my biological father. It had been one of the toughest challenges I had ever faced. After months of work, the song still wasn't where I wanted it to be. I had only gotten through the first verse and half of the chorus before I the worst case of writer's block, I had ever had set in. I knew that I would never be physically able to finish the song, so I gave it to more qualified hands, but that was a different story.

"what's got the Swifties so riled up?" Taylor sighed at my refusal. Technically she couldn't deny my point, but she didn't look happy about it. I mentally high-fived myself. I had successfully shut her down. For now. I knew that the topic could resurface. It always did.

"Apparently you posted a picture with 7 palm trees, you sat on the 6th step and there were 5 holes in the fence. They are convinced that you and I are doing a collaboration at the IHeart awards and the new album is going to be dropped because of some flower on the calendars." I couldn't hold back my laughter towards the end. We had seen the fans make some reaches, but this was a little much.

"so no Collab?" she smirked back. I raised my eyebrow at her, and she giggled. "I'll take care of it tomorrow." she made out through her giggles.

"No Collab for now, maybe some other time, you know after I come out of hiding. And you know that it doesn't matter what you say, they'll never believe you" Our laughter began to die down. The quietness between us was soothing.

"there was a letter in your mailbox. I put it in your room in case you're interested" She mentioned quietly changing the subject and moving to sit next to me. She had offered to get the mail for me in case anything important came. It was easier for her, she wasn't in hiding. I smiled and thanked her, before whishing her goodnight and moving towards my temporary home.

The letter on the bed was in a small cream-colored envelope. I placed my laptop on the nightstand and picked up the small paper. It had already been opened, so I flipped it over and looked at the mailing address and sender. It was from Dallas and was addressed to Taylor. What the hell? This had to be a mistake. Why did she put this on my bed? I carefully pulled out the thick card inside. It too was cream colored with light silver fleck embedded in the heavy paper. This couldn't be what I thought it was. I pulled it all the way out and examined the fine black cursive.

_Dear Taylor_

_You are invited to join us in the heavenly matrimony_

_Of_

_Dallas Lovato and Alison Hernandez_

_April 20, 2019_

_Ritz Carrolton Hotel_

_Los Angeles, California_

I flipped the card over. On the back in my eldest sister's messy scrawl.

_Taylor,_

_I know you know where Y/N is. Mom won't give me any information and he won't answer his phone. Please tell her about the wedding and that we would love to have her there. I promise that it won't cause a scene like I'm sure she swears it will._

_Your friend,_

_Dallas_

Holy shit. Dallas was getting married. Why hadn't I seen this coming? I was invited? She didn't think it would cause a scene if I just magically appeared? Dallas was getting married, and she wanted me there. That meant that Demi, Lauren, Madison and everyone else would be there too. Dallas was getting married. I dropped the letter, grabbed my phone and ran out of the door. I didn't even spare a bye to Taylor. This was serious. Dallas was getting married. I needed to get my shit together, otherwise, it was going to be without me. I was out of time. My choice had been made for me.


	2. Chapter 1: The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first Fanfiction. I don't know or own any of the characters, and there will be tons of background characters and relationships. This fic is a super slow burn, but eventually, the pairing will be Lauren/you. There is some abuse mentioned, but it will typically be within a flashback/memory and be clearly labeled as a trigger warning when it happens, and the end of that section will also be labeled if you want to skip it entirely. This story is also on Wattpad.

** Chapter one **

My feet pounded against the steaming sidewalk as I sprinted through the crowds of Beverly Hills. I could clearly see the Ritz Carlton Hotel in front of me, its shadow looming over the streets like something from a nightmare. I wanted nothing more than to turn and run in the opposite direction, away from the overly fancy building, away from the enviable, but I was out of time. Dallas was getting married and this was my last chance to be a part of it. I weaved in and out of the crowd, thanking God that I had decided to introduce myself as someone else. The last thing needed right now was to be recognized.

I reached the golden doors far too soon from my liking and entered the elaborate lobby. My eyes scanned the room and landed on the only free receptionist. She looked to be in her sixties. Her hair was white and her skin reminded me of something almost reptilian.

"Great, the grandma from hell" I sighed to myself and pushed my overgrown hair out of my face and made my way up to her. I placed both arms on the golden countertop and gave her my award-winning smile.

I had to stifle a laugh when she visibly tensed.

I was wearing an old Batman tank top, once black but now an ugly grey color from far too many days in the sun. The symbol was only distinguishable if you looked hard enough. My jeans had suffered the same treatment and looked bleached. The growing holes in the knees didn't help. My pink converse didn't escape the abuse either, they had been red the day I bought them. My brown hair was shaggy and just long enough to hide my blue-green eyes and the rest of my features. I suppose I looked like a bum, but I had only decided to do this mere hours ago.

"Hello ma'am, I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of the ballroom" I smiled politely

"a meeting, with Who?" she fired back

"Dallas Lovato. So, if you could please just point out the ballroom..." I trailed off

"Dallas Lovato and in our ballroom, dressed like that? You really expect me to believe that you landed an audition to play at one of the biggest weddings of this year? Do you think I'm stupid? You wouldn't even stand a chance if you were the last Candidate on earth!" she sneered.

I sighed to myself and checked my phone for the time. I was already late and arguing with the old bat was only making it worse. People like her were one of the reasons I had left in the first place. All that mattered to them was your outward appearance and if they found even the slightest of flaws they never let you live it down. I hated that they judged every move I made, even when they had no inclination why I had made it.

I took a deep breath and righted my smile.

"Thank you for the concern, but I am more than capable of failing my audition on my own. I'm already late, so if you wouldn't mind just pointing me in the right direction please." I said in an overly sweet tone.

She sighed and pointed down an adjacent hallway with a leathery hand

"Down the hall, second on your left. Have fun with your failure: make sure you don't get any of your dirt on my clean carpets."

"Thank ya," I said turning away and going in the direction she had pointed.

The short walk down the hallway felt like a death march. The urge to turn and disappear in the crowd outside seemed to grow with every step I took towards the door. It would be so simple. I could leave and they would never know I was here. I'm sure I could find a way to watch the reception and never have to interact with them. "no" I firmly thought to myself. That was not the way I was going to do this. I had been a coward and ran away once already. I was not going to be a coward again. I wasn't doing this for myself. This was for Dallas.

I knew the ballroom doors as soon as I saw them. They were a set of double French doors, with gold plated handles. I again took a deep breath, trying to fight off the overwhelming urges to vomit and run away. Or run away and then vomit, I couldn't quite tell which one was the most pressing at the moment, and gently knocked on the door. I knew when I heard the muffled "come in" that there was absolutely no turning back. I pushed the doors just slightly and popped my head inside the grand ballroom.

The floor was solid marble and complimented the slightly silver walls. There was golden trim throughout the entire room, coming to a peak in the center of the domed ceiling. I marveled in the grandeur. I might have been in rooms like this before, but they still managed to take my breath away. Sitting at a small table in the center of the room was my oldest sister. She looked almost the same from the last time I had seen her. It was only when she looked up from whatever she was doing and towards me that I saw the dark circles under her eyes. They had to be due to the stress of the wedding, right? She wouldn't be so worried about me that it was keeping her up at night. There was no way.

"Hey, I'm here for an audition," I said softly

"ah yes. Come in come in" she smiled, motioning me to come closer. Her face seemed to light up at the sight of me. It was a playful look that gave me the feeling that she knew something that I didn't know. If she had figured me out, hopefully,y she would just play along. I didn't really want to face the consequences of her knowing it was me just yet.

I slowly entered the room and let the door shut softly behind me. I continued to scan the room as I made my way to the small table she was seated at. My wondering eyes caught sight one of the most marvelous instruments I had ever seen. The black lacquer finish shined in the light of the chandelier, perfectly accented by the gold Steinway & Son's logo placed just above the perfectly white keys. My fingers itched just thinking about how amazing this piano was going to sound. I had never really been into normal things like cars and motorcycles, guitars and pianos were my thing. I could spend hours upon hours researching the different types and comparing how they were made and how the different materials, structures, and finishes affected their sound profiles. Each make and model was like a gorgeous woman. All amazingly beautiful, but completely different in how they felt and the style that appealed to them most. A piano paired with the right partner could make magic, but with one who didn't appreciate them, it would be unpleasurable for all parties involved. It completely fascinated me.

"Amazing isn't it" My head snapped towards my sister. She had a knowing smile on her face, and I smiled in return, finally allowing myself to relax. Her smile reminded me of home, something I hadn't realized I missed.

"Incredible" I breathed out. I walked further into the room and approached the table. "I'm Y/Middle/N, I called about the piano playing position for a wedding" I smiled and stuck out my hand.

"Ah yes" her smile seemed to grow even more playful, "well I'm Dallas. My fiancé had another commitment so it will just be you and I in this interview. I would like to begin with a few questions if that's alright?" she continued and I nodded to let her know that I understood and took the seat across from her.

"Where are you from?" She began

"That depends. I was born in New Mexico, we moved to Dallas when I was six, I attended Juilliard for three years in New York City when I was twelve, I moved to LA when I turned sixteen, and I've been bouncing state to state for the past year and a half." I answered honestly

"Why so many places?" She genuinely looked curious.

"It had to do with my family, and where I wanted to go to school. I write music so eventually, it just made sense for me to be in the musical hub of the country." She nodded, seemingly satisfied with my answer.

"You write music? Anything I could have heard?" she continued to push with a knowing smile.

"No, I just dabble. I'm not very good." I gave her my own smirk.

"You could understand why I would be concerned with your qualifications?" She gestured toward me.

"I completely understand your concerns. I know I look a little young and unorganized, but I really did graduate Julliard with full honors. I'm sure that could get the diploma if need be. About my outfit, I do apologize for my unprofessional appearance, and my tardiness, but I have an explanation. The flight this morning was one of the last ones out of New York City and was delayed. Then upon arrival, the traffic was insane. I landed about an hour ago and didn't have an opportunity to change without making myself even later, and in turn wasting more of your time waiting for me. I would like to take the opportunity to assure you that I do have a monkey suit and will be staying in the hotel tonight and tomorrow to ensure that I am not only on time but early for both the ceremony and reception." I smiled.

"Well that about wraps up my questions then," she smiled "we will now move on to the playing portion of your interview." She motioned towards the piano I had been ogling earlier.

I stood and made my way over to the instrument. I gently ran my hand along the body, all the way to the bench, mesmerized by the creation before me. I sat on the bench and carefully placed my hands on the keys, making music that only the piano and I could hear. It was one of the most beautiful creations I had ever seen.

"Any requests? You didn't send a music sheet to learn" I smiled at Dallas

"Play a song that you would play for a first dance" She instructed.

I just sighed to myself. I had to make a choice. I could just play some random love song that was iconic or was a new pop hit. I could intentionally change the way I play to ensure that she couldn't prove that it was me if she had any inclination already. It would be so much easier to just be mediocre, I could disappear after and no one would know the difference. Well, not no one, I would know the difference but that was almost the same thing, right? I immediately stopped my train of thought. Music wasn't something to be faked. It was my outlet, one of the only places I was ever honest with myself. I would be a hypocrite and that is so much worse than being a coward. I needed to sing from my heart. Dallas might find out, but I would uphold my values. If I didn't' do this, I would never forgive myself.

"I'm going to play one that I wrote, is that's ok?" Part of me just wanted to be sure that I would be doing something she wanted and the other part of me was still looking for a way out.

"Anything you want" Those words felt like a nail in the coffin. My choice had been made.

My fingers began to dance across the keys, familiar with choreography they were performing. I had practiced and perfected this song over the year in a half I had been away. They began to play, showing who I was and not who I had pretended to be.

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid?

To fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt

Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died every day

waiting for you

Darlin' don't be afraid

I have loved you for a

Thousand years

I'll love you for a

Thousand more

_ Flashback _

_I looked up from the dance my fingers were performing, eyeing the green-eyed beauty perched on the edge of the piano._

_"It's not finished yet, I just have the first verse" I blushed as our eyes met. A smile cracked across her lips, and she leaned forward, rolling on her stomach, so our noses were almost touching._

_"It's beautiful" she whispered. I could feel her breath across my lips. I briefly glanced down at them. They were like a drug, soft and warm. I was addicted, and here they were so close, yet so far away._

_"Not as beautiful as you" I looked back up to meet her eyes. She threw her head back laughing. It was true. She was the most gorgeous creature I had ever met, both inside and out. She was strong, and defiantly not afraid to speak her mind, but also caring and sweet._

_"Do you mean it?" She pulled me out of my thoughts. Her voice was smaller than it was just a few seconds ago. It always baffled me how she went from confident to insecure in two seconds flat._

_"Of course. Don't even pretend that you don't know how beautiful I think you are." I stood up and made my way around the piano, to the edge she was sitting on, stepping in between her legs, brushing some a few hairs out of her face "You, my darling are the most stunning thing to ever grace the top of my piano, you give better kisses too" I joked, and leaned in to peck her lips._

_When we had first started dating, she had claimed this spot on my piano, replacing the Grammy that sat there. From that moment on I had always said she was a better award anyway. I couldn't grasp how or why she had chosen me above all people. I was dark and shy and had so much trouble opening up. She was the most important thing in my life, so it was fitting that she took the spot of one of my most prized possessions. I knew that she wasn't an object I could stake claim over. She was a beautiful human being with her own mind, and I was honored that she allowed me to love her._

_"No babe, about loving me for a thousand years" she pulled back to look at me, insecurity shining through her eyes._

_"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it baby girl," I said pulling her back into my chest. She was snuggled into the crook of my neck, but I could feel she was smiling._

_"Even if one day you don't love me, I will always love you," I whispered. It was true. In the beginning, I had never thought that love was for me. I had built brick wall upon brick wall in an effort to keep people from seeing the real me. I had done everything in my power to discourage her, but she wasn't one to give up on something she wanted so easily. Sometimes it felt like she was removing bricks just as fast as I was putting them up. Lauren had broken through my walls. She had engraved herself on my heart and I would always love her. She had a piece of me that I would never get back. Once again, the raven-haired girl pulled away to make eye contact with me._

_"What do you mean?" A concerned look leaking back into her features._

_"If you asked me to let you go I would. I would step away if that's what I took to make you happy. If you found someone else, I would let you go be happy with them, even if it killed me. Even if you didn't want me to, I would always be there for you. You could trash my heart and still call me at three am drunk, and I would come to get you. You will always have me, even if at some point I no longer have you" I found it nearly impossible to lie to her. Her eyes became more concerned as I spoke._

_"I'm not breaking up with you Y/N, but if we ever did break-up, I would want you to find happiness." She kept my gaze. I nodded to appease her. The truth was that my happiness really didn't matter. I was more devoted to protecting those I loved than being happy. If our relationship were to ever end, there was no doubt in my mind that she would take my happiness with her. Yet somehow, I was ok with that._

The final notes of my song brought me out of my memories. I felt the tears gather in the corner of my eyes, but pushed them back. I had to be strong. Their well-being is what mattered most. I looked up and over to Dallas, her eyes were beginning to grow glassy too.

Though she had never heard the song that was pouring out of me, I knew she knew it was me. It was my writing style, my piano playing and my voice that rang throughout the ballroom. When I had finished my hands fell from the piano. This had been the part I was dreading. The emotional moments were always what killed me.

"You came. I knew you would come." She sounded like she was close to tears.

"Of course, I came! You're my sister. There was no way on this planet that I was going to miss the day you got married. I would have moved heaven and earth if it meant I got to be here. I may not agree with everyone all the time, or always do the right thing, but this was something I wasn't going to miss. I promised." I continued to look down. It was hard for me to express what I was feeling in words, that's why I turned to music. It said the things that I couldn't say on my own. Situations like this, where emotional confessions were almost always necessary, always served to make me extremely uncomfortable.

"Taylor told me that she told you, and you took off" She sounded amazed.

"I did take off. I found the first flight out of New York. I sent you the application on the plane and got here as fast as humanly possible. There was no way in hell I was going to let you tie the knot without me." I repeated, continuing to shrink in on myself. I really hated this part.

I heard a shift and before I knew it her arms were engulfing me. I felt a wetness on my shoulder and knew that she was crying. That's what normal people did when they were really happy or really not, they cried. They didn't sink back into themselves or hide behind sarcastic and snarky comments. They took ownership of their emotions and wore them proudly. They let their loved ones see that they cared. That had always been my problem. It didn't matter how much I cared for someone, I could never seem to allow myself to show them what I was feeling.

Tears poured down Dallas' face, and I knew that they were from joy. She was exhilarated that I had made the decision to do the right thing on almost my own accord. I had just needed a little push from one of my best friends.

"so, did I get the job" I joked trying to relieve the tension that I felt from all these emotions.

"If you really want it." She laughed through her tears "you could just come as yourself. The only reason you didn't get an invitation was that I wasn't sure which state you were in when they were sent." It wasn't an insult and there was no malus in her words, but they still made the guild inside of me bubble to the surface.

"I'm sorry," I said meekly, still trapped in her arms. I was aware that a sorry could never be enough to fix this, but it was a good start. Dallas was an innocent bystander that had been forced to suffer the punishment I had inflicted on the rest of my family. If anybody had the right to be angry at me, it was her. She had attempted to fix the bridge I had sent up in flames many times, but I had never even tried to meet her halfway.

"I know a sorry isn't going to fix this, but..." I began, only to be cut off by an even tighter squeeze. She pulled back and held me at arm's length, forcing me to look her in the eyes.

"You are trying and that's what's important. You didn't have to come, no one else thought you would, but you did. I accept the apology for ignoring me, but I refuse to allow you to act as though the entire situation was your fault." I felt like a child being scolded and comforted at the same time. This wouldn't be the first time or probably the last time she scolded me but didn't mind. She always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking and what to say to counter it.

"I haven't really thought about it" I commented completely jumping subjects. "I don't want to cause a scene by just showing up out of nowhere as me. Between the fans, paparazzi and our family, it would be a complete nightmare." I tried to make an argument for what I thought would work ok. She just gave me a hint of a smile.

"or you want to be able to disappear again afterward," she said rolling her eyes knowingly.

I pursed my lips and allowed a "maybe" to slip out. She began to head for the double doors I had entered through. I simply followed behind her like a lost puppy.

"Where are we going?" I asked confused.

"To get you a room" I began to interrupt her but was stopped by the slight raise of her hand. "You Y/N are a terrible liar. I know you don't have a room yet" she gave me a smirk over her shoulder.

"And how would you know that. I am NOT a terrible liar. I had you fooled" I kept the pout firmly on my face.

"You never had me fooled. I knew it was you from the moment you popped your head in. I know you Y/N. From the way, you talk to your mannerisms. Besides, no one else would stare at a piano like it was the most beautiful creature they had ever seen. Like seriously, you look at instruments like a groom looks at his bride when she walks down the aisle. You can't hide it."

A grumbled "I mean how could you not, she's gorgeous" made its way out of my mouth.

She continued to smirk and shot me a pointed look. I just shook my head. Dallas and Demi always knew. They were better at telling me what I was feeling and thinking than I was at times. I could never get anything past them no matter how hard I tried. If Dallas knew it was me before I even started talking, there was no doubt that Demi would know as well. I was hoping that she wouldn't pay enough attention to notice, but that hope seemed to be growing smaller and smaller. The only thing I could latch onto now was the prayer that she wouldn't approach me because we both knew that it would cause a scene.

"fine," I said in a defeated tone. I knew I was grasping at straws at this point. My plan was falling apart.

"I probably wouldn't have been able to convince the dinosaur at the front desk to let me check-in anyway." I wined, changing the subject yet again to push all of the thoughts of doubt out of my head. Dallas just laughed at my childishness.

"you mean Alice. She didn't give me any problems. She was actually overly friendly." The conversation continued as we made our way down the corridor.

"You know how much luck I have with people. They are either shoving things in my face for me to sign, crying or completely uninterested. She didn't like the way I was dressed and didn't believe I was qualified" I tried to imitate the old lady's gravelly voice.

"You could have told her who you really were. It probably would have cleared up any issues" She pointed out

"And risk a security breach. What kind of business are you running here miss Lovato?" I placed my hand over my heart in mock shock.

"It's going to be Mrs. Brooke-Hernandez soon, and this isn't the CIA Y/N" She tried to sound unimpressed, but I knew better.

"Are you sure. For all you know I could have just come from an undercover operation" I said in a hushed whisper. Dallas just gave me a pointed look, still trying to look unimpressed.

"and you're taking Ally's name?" I tried to sound less exasperated than I felt. Don't get me wrong, Dallas could do whatever she wanted, and I loved Ally to pieces, but it felt like everyone was jumping ship. In the end, I would be the only Lovato, and there would be no evidence that I was related to any of them at all. Maddie had basically rejected me and mom changed her name. I would be alone again stuck with his memory for the rest of my life after Demi got married.

"I just thought that Lovato-Brooke-Hernandez was too much, and I didn't want to have her associated with her for the rest of our lives. I just... wanted a fresh start I guess." She trailed off towards the end. It felt like she was stepping on eggshells, doing everything in her power to prevent upsetting me more.

"I just thought that you'd want to be a triple threat on all fronts. Like 3 names to go along with the singing, dancing, and acting." I tried to make light of the situation and again deflect the mushy gushy feelings. Might be having. Dallas seemed to be fighting the urge to laugh, but I could also see the worry in her eyes. She was trying to figure out what I was thinking, and this time, I was determined to not let her. It was her choice and her happy day. I didn't have the right to put my two sense in and ruin it.

"tough crowd tonight," I said under my breath. This got her laughing.

"She might be sugary towards you if she knows you're not just some bum from the street" She continued laughing.

"Fine, fine. But if we tell her, you get to be the one to deal with the crazy teenage fangirls" I pulled out my secret weapon. That was a threat that no one and I mean No One wanted to be in charge of handling. I loved the fans to no end, but things got weird when you opened the door thinking room service was on the other side with your grilled cheese and instead it was screaming teenage girls broadcasting your room number live on twitter for all their friends to see. That had been on a world tour, so I could only imagine what lengths they would go to when they found out the I was back in town.

"and I'll have to pass on that sugar. She's not really my type" I began to pick my nails, attempting to sound totally uninterested.

"No thanks. We both know that it's going to be a publicity shit show when the fans figure out you're back. The only one who can decide when you officially return is you. If you show up tomorrow as Y/N then you get to be the one to deal with the press. I won't make that choice for you by telling the 'grandma from hell'" she conceded with a slight giggle as we approached the front desk.

The same lizard-like lady was sitting behind the counter, except this time she was inspecting something on the computer screen. She had placed large, horn-rimmed glasses on her face to help with this. It only served to make her more undesirable in my opinion.

"Hello Alice, I need to acquire another room," My sister asked in a polite professional tone. The grandma looked up from her computer and gave my sister a sickly-sweet smile.

"Of course, Ms. Lovato." Just the sound of her voice made me want to brush my teeth to avoid cavities. She was clearly trying to impress Dallas. "will this room be on the portion we blocked out for your party? And would you prefer two queen beds or one king?" she continued. Dallas shot me a look and I gave her a slight nod.

"I would like a king, and in the same block as the other rooms please" Dallas continued to look in my direction, making sure I was alright with the arrangements she was setting for me.

"Are you sure ma'am? It's rather expensive arrangements for a mangy mutt that is only going to be mediocrely playing an instrument. If you prefer I can have a twin bed set in the basement, where all of the other help stay" Alice said with a superior tone.

"You should shut the fuck up" came out of my mouth before I could even register it. I wasn't upset with her assessment of me; I didn't like that she thought she knew better than my sister. No one could condescend them, well her. Who the hell did this lady think she was.

"Well well well, not the polite little girl you were pretending to be are we?" Her face twisted into an evil smile. She looked like a lizard that had just found a mouse to eat for dinner.

"it's none of your business who the room is for, or who I choose to play at my wedding. I am capable of making my own decision and judgments. A king bed on the floor the rest of my party is booked on please!" Before I could say anything, Dallas had already beat me to it.

The lady's smirk turned into a look of horror.

"you're going to let that piece of filth talk to me like that?" She sounded truly horrified.

"The room!" Dallas had had enough. She almost never raised her voice and when she did it was a scary experience. Her outburst caught the attention of the other receptionist. He was dressed in a dark suit with a golden tie. He looked up and began to make his way over to us.

"Is everything alright here?" He asked sounding cautions

"No, Samuel. This receptionist here has been insulting my sister since he stepped foot in this building. I simply want a room that contains a king bed and is in the block we reserved, and Alice can't seem to get over herself and give me what I asked for." I was shocked. It was usually me doing the defending. It was something completely different when someone did it for you. It gave me a warm feeling I couldn't quite place.

"Sister" Alice's face lit with a grin that made my stomach sick. I knew that we had to act fast. If we let this go it was going to go viral that I was back in town, the entire building would become even more swarmed than it already was. Photographers would be tripping over themselves to get a good shot. They would probably ruin Dallas' wedding, and no one wanted that to happen.

"Yes, sister. Don't even think about sharing, you are bound by the disclosure clause in your contract. If I hear one peep about Y/N you will be out of here so fast that your head will spin." Dallas immediately cut her off.

The man I presumed to be the manager gave Alice the most disgusted look.

"Of course, Ms. Lovato." He brushed the old hag out of the way and began to type quickly.

"There are only two rooms with king beds available on your floor. One adjoins your room, and the other adjoins the other Ms. Lovato's room." He looked up at us, waiting for the decision. It sounded like a disaster. Dallas met my eyes, and I knew that she knew.

"The one connected to my room is fine." She didn't take her eyes off of me. He handed her the card and we proceeded to the elevator.

"You didn't have to defend me." I sighed as the elevator doors closed. It was never their job to defend me, quite to opposite actually.

"You always protect us. You always take the fall, no matter what it is. I think it's about time that we try and reciprocate." Her eyes softened in a way that wasn't usually seen. It made me wonder what she knew.

"I know you Y/N. I know that the story Demi and Lauren told the media is Bullshit. Demi is a worse liar than you are, and You were so in love with her. You bought her a ring. I know you and I know that cheating is the last thing you would have done." She pushed. My eyes went wide. I couldn't tell her the truth.

She was right. I had fallen so hard, and I thought I wanted to be with her forever. I had it all planned out, the dinner, the setting, the ring. I sighed. I thought I knew what forever was, but I didn't really know until I left.

I had known that it was going to be bad when the fake story got released. I knew that the responsible thing to do was to stay, but I needed to go. I needed to get away and I thought that it would only serve to make me look guiltier. I was wrong. The fans were in an uproar, refusing to believe the reality they were being presented with. Eventually, they had no choice but to accept it. I cringed at the reception I would receive when word got out that I was back. It would be nothing short of a shit storm.

If Dallas knew the truth, she would never forgive them. It was easier to just protect them and let them portray me as an ass.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said slightly indignantly. I pushed my chin towards the ceiling in a show of defiance. I wasn't going to throw them under the bus.

"You don't need to protect them. I know you care about them, but you can never heal if you continue to bury the truth" I just sighed.

"I don't care about them, and I'm not burying anything." I didn't want to have this conversation. It would only lead to more questions.

"I know. Demi was really upset and Madison took her side." She pushed.

"Maddie did a lot more than take Demi's side" I mumbled under my breath and closed my eyes tightly.   
"I only got a glimpse of what happened in Dallas" She sighed. I knew that she wanted the full picture, a clearer picture of what had happened. The truth was it was all so confusing. First, I had fled to my parents' house to escape the aftermath of the incident. Everything had been fine for the first few hours I was there, and then just as suddenly my little sister hated me and I was gone. None of it made sense on the outside, but in the moment, everything was crystal clear. They didn't want me there, no one wanted me. I had failed, and like a little kid, I was running. What I hadn't known was that things always got worse before they got bette, and worse they had gotten.

The ding of the elevator relieved some of the tension in my chest. I rushed out of the confined space. We walked towards my room, 1313 and stopped just outside the door.

"I know you want to protect them but someone has to protect you Y/N. If you ever want to talk, I'm right next door. The choice is yours" she smiled and gave me a quick hug. I brought my hand up to awkwardly pat her back.

"I know," I said quietly.

I entered the gigantic hotel room and immediately fell into the bet. It was just before noon but I was exhausted. The whirlwind morning had really taken it out of me. I suppose it didn't help that I hadn't slept the night before, oops. I grabbed my phone, dialed the familiar number, and waited for the beep after her answering matching.

"Hey, it's been awhile. I made the right choice. I showed up at the wedding, and I know I'm in no position to ask for anything, but I need a favor. Could you grab my clothes from my apartment and bring them with you when you get to the hotel? I'm in room 1313, it's the room attached to your fiancé's. I love you Allycat and hope to see you later. Bye." I finished and clicked the end button. I in no way disserved her help, but she was the only one I thought I could handle seeing. Eventually, I would have to confront them all. I pushed those thoughts out of my head and placed my phone on the nightstand.

The only thing that stayed with me was that my sister was right. It was my Choice. My choice to alienate my family to protect them. My choice to run from my friends. My choice to try and fix all the damage I had created. I closed my eyes and let sleep take me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is chapter 1. I know that A thousand years was written a long time ago and by Christina Perry, but we're going to pretend that it wasn't. Any song mentioned was written by Y/N just for funzies. anyway, Hope you enjoyed. Leave comments and ideas below. Till next time...
> 
> Stay beautiful 
> 
> AJ


	3. Chapter 3: This was a Terrible Idea wasn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first Fanfiction. I don't know or own any of the characters, and there will be tons of background characters and relationships. This fic is a super slow burn, but eventually, the pairing will be Lauren/you. There is some abuse mentioned, but it will typically be within a flashback/memory and be clearly labeled as a trigger warning when it happens, and the end of that section will also be labeled if you want to skip it entirely. This story is also on Wattpad.

The walk back to the hotel was surprisingly uneventful. I had never really been able to travel on my own without being mobbed. It was a strange feeling. I missed being able to interact with the fans, but not being blinded by lights and deafened by shouting was really nice. I wondered how long this would last. I knew that my new haircut would make traveling incognito far more difficult. This brought back another familiar anxiety; could I really handle returning to the music industry? My last experience had ended in an explosion, but I guess that was my own doing. It had just made the whole thing easier. It gave me a way to take a break without saying that everything had become too much for me.

The reality of the situation was that I had planned to take at least a year off before my life imploded. The pressure and stress had become a problem that I was unable to handle. The thing I loved became another dreaded responsibility. It became the thing I despised most. I became what I despised most. I had lost all passion. The music was no longer the focus, and I was suffering from the worst writer's block I had ever encountered. The break had allowed me to fall in love with my art all over again.

The thought of losing this passion again terrified me. So, I guess the question I was too afraid to confront was did I really want to return?

I shook my head to clear those thoughts from my mind. I had time to decide. I could go to this wedding and then disappear back into the night. I didn’t have to deal with anything I didn’t want to. At least that was what I kept telling myself. The most pressing issue at the moment was how in the world I was going to get back into the hotel without blowing my cover.

As I rounded the corner of I was met with the crowd. It seemed to have yet again doubled in size, and the noise was overwhelming. It seemed that the inner cluster of people was mostly paparazzi, and the fans were crowding around them to try and get a better look at the aisle security had created. Some of them were literally climbing over each other to see the small path down the center. I sighed. If anyone should be at the center of that group it was the fans, but instead, they were being pushed aside so a couple of men could make a few bucks. It discussed me.

I continued to survey the area when I noticed a teenager dressed in one of my tour shirts standing away from the crowd. She stood on her tippy toes and looked as though she was searching for a way through the crowd. A smile suddenly broke across her face as though she had found her path, but that smile soon turned into a frown. It seemed that she was too afraid to push her way through the tight grouping of people.  I smiled to myself; I could very much identify with the girl. I always hated crowds, but commonly found myself swarmed by them.

 She was the person I had always longed to be. The person I had become I guess; I reminded myself. She was an outsider simply observing the craziness. She could watch the action but never had to become a part of it. I suppose that she would have liked our roles to be reversed as well. Maybe she wanted to be the one everyone was moving towards. The one they were screaming inappropriate question at. The one who held everyone’s attention. Or maybe she just wanted to catch a glimpse of her favorite artist in their natural habitat. I laughed internally. Natural habitat. We were like the creatures in a zoo who people would press their faces up against the glass to see. We were the circus animal forced to perform amazing feats. They thought that catching us in transit would give them a better idea about who we were, but they were wrong. The truth was that camera flashes and fake smiles went hand in hand.

We knew what our public image was supposed to be, so every time we stepped out in public, we were that person. The fans didn’t care about the human behind the persona, they just wanted to meet the larger than life character they saw on stage.

The girl again began to move towards the crowd but backed away slowly. Her smile disappearing completely. For some reason, I couldn’t resist the urge to make her day. Maybe it was because I sympathized with her, or maybe it was because I really liked her shirt. But whatever the reason, I strode up to the young girl, but kept my eyes focused on the frenzying crowd.

“They’re crazy” It was a simple statement. There was no malice in my voice, only a simple fondness. I had always loved how amazing the fans were. They went to such lengths for us, so I had always been dedicated to doing the same for them. It was true, they were indeed crazy, but not the bad kind.

“No. They’re just dedicated.” The girl replied, she opened her mouth like she wanted to add more, but swiftly closed it again. The fans had an aversion to the c-word. They always thought that we meant it as a bad thing, but we loved the lengths they would go to. We loved that they created theories to explain the things that they didn’t have all the details to. They rivaled Batman for the world’s greatest detective. It could be frustrating because we had to be extremely careful with the crumbs, we left them, but we always marveled at how fantastic they were at putting so many disconnected pieces together to create a bigger picture. I laughed.

“They are dedicated, but it doesn’t completely cancel out the crazy. I mean, imagine having to walk through that.” I smirked and pointed towards the massive group of people. Her eyes focused on the tattoo that adorned my left wrist, and her head snapped to look at me, but I kept my gaze focused forward, slowly lowering my arm.

“You would be a little crazy too if you thought there was a chance of seeing your favorite singer who mysteriously went missing over a year ago!” She rushed out to defend the fan base. This was another thing I had always loved about the Lovatics, they were always quick to defend us, and each other. They were more than just a fanbase, they were an Army, ready to deploy at a moment’s notice, and they could seriously pack a punch.

“So, you actually believe that she’s here?” I probed, my smile only widening.

“There was a whole twitter thing about it. She has to be here.” She exclaimed. she sounded as though she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince me.

“I didn’t know that Twitter was so reliable. Wasn’t there just a whole twitter thing about her and Taylor doing a collaboration, and didn’t that get taken down?” I stated incredulously.

“Well we can’t be right all the time now can we, and they didn’t say that a collaboration wasn’t going to happen. They just never said there was a Collab. Plus, it being taken down is even more proof. I mean why would he have it taken down if it wasn’t true? That wouldn’t make any sense. I really don’t think there is any way she would just blatantly miss her sister’s wedding…” she started to ramble. I finally allowed myself to turn and look at her.

“You seem to have more faith in her than she does in herself” I finally looked at the teenager. Her green eyes widened as she took in my features. I could practically hear the wheels turning in her head as she tried to connect my tattoo with the face looking back at her. I felt my breath catch as we made eye contact. Green eyes always reminded me of her. It was like my brain enjoyed torturing me every time I met someone with green eyes. I couldn’t stop the thought and memories, both good and bad. The only way to make those memories stop was to remember every way they were not the same. Her eyes were darker than the girl in front of me. The girl in front of me was a brunet and at least a foot shorter than the raven-haired beauty. They were not the same person.

“you’re” The girl broke me out of my thoughts.

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” I shrugged my shoulders. “But if I were you I wouldn’t say that name too loudly. If you know what I mean?” I winked at the girl and pointed my finger towards the frenzying crowd. She followed my gaze and nodded in agreement.

“If you are, I swear I won’t tell anyone.” The girl rushed out as though she thought I was going to disappear.

“I appreciate the promise, but I neither confirm or deny anything,” I said winking. The girl furrowed her eyebrows.

“They always said she was good at deflecting questions” she trailed off and I couldn’t suppress my laugh.

“Enough about me. What’s your name?” I smiled at the seemingly shell-shocked girl.

“Becca. And I have to say, I’m like your biggest fan. I swear I never believed any of the crap they were saying about you. I could just tell by the way you looked at Lauren that you were really in love with her. Oh My God, I’m so sorry. I just said her name, and I didn’t think to ask if that was difficult for you” The words spewed out of her mouth as she continued to get more and more flustered.

“Don’t worry about it kid” I held my hand up. “unofficially Becca, I’m just a player and she loved the game” I whispered conspiratorially.

“I guess you were just young and reckless” the girl giggled out

“and we took it way too far, but you got a blank space and I’ll write my name” I laughed and motioned to the photograph she was holding.

“They always said that you were a flirt” The girl laughed and handed me the photo.

“I don’t know about flirting, but I like to make people laugh. And I also never said that I was her” I winked, taking the photo and uncapping the pen.

 

Lauren POV

 

            I watched the sights whiz by as we drove down the highway in the blacked-out Escalade that had picked us up from the airport. Ally had taken the front seat and was quietly chatting with our security guard Rob. Dinah and Normani were seated in the middle and were in control of the radio. They were currently blasting a Beyoncé playlist and screaming along, and Camila was seated next to me. We stayed in uncomfortable silence. There wasn’t any malice between us, but we weren’t exactly on good terms. I suspected that she had some inclination of what happened between Y/N and myself, but I didn’t have any real proof. Y/N and she were super close and she was also very close to Y/N’s best friend Taylor. What I did know was that she had sided with Ally on their avid disapproval on how the whole incident was handled.

Things had changed so much since the last time we were here. Last time we weren’t American Music Award winners. Last time we had been coming to finish our 3rd album, and this time we were in town to watch one of our own say “I do”. Last time I had also had a fantastic human being by my side, and not that Camila wasn’t fantastic, but she wasn’t the one I was desperate to see.

 “Now the crowd is super crazy ladies. Apparently, someone started a rumor that Y/N is staying in the hotel.” Rob broke me from my thoughts.

“Do you think she’s there” Dinah chimed in from her spot. Ally and Camila shared a glance in the rear-view mirror.

“Taylor said that she skipped town after she told her.” Camila gave Ally a subtle nod. They totally knew something that the rest of the girls and me didn’t.

            “What about you Allycat, any news on your soon to be sister-in-law” Normani added.

            “Y/N texted me, but other than that I haven’t really heard anything.” Ally finally broke eye contact with Camila in the mirror.

“She’s probably afraid to make a scene. I heard that Maddie and she had a fight after the whole thing with Demi. Having all three of us in the same place at the same time is probably super nerve-wracking for her.” I mumbled from my spot, but every eye shifted to me. I hadn’t really addressed any of my feelings with the rest of the girls partially because I wasn’t really sure how I felt about the whole thing. It felt like I was on a ride I couldn’t get off of. Everything had gotten so out of hand so fast, but I never expected the reaction I got.

“Whatever the case may be, we’ll get you out one at a time, starting with Ally, then Dinah and Normani, and Camila and then Lauren.” Rob interrupted us as we pulled up in front of the hotel. They weren’t kidding when they said the crowd was nuts. It was near riot level., and we weren’t even out of the car. The fans were hell-bent on catching a glimpse of her. They had protested for months, going from begging to angry ranting about much they wanted Y/N’s side of the story. I had waited with bated breath for her reaction and was uncharacteristically surprised when it never came.

Management had prepared us for a war that never came. Our relationship had exploded then she just disappeared. And now I wasn’t sure if I could handle seeing her again. I could still see the look in her eyes when I said those words to her. She had tried to cover it, but the heartbreak was apparent. As I had continued to speak, I expected to see some fire. Some Rage. Some passionate emotion, but I hadn’t. All I saw was pain and utter defeat. I guess the rage came after.

I sighed and let my eyes scan over the crowd. They had just escorted Camila through the insanity and I knew that I was next. As my eyes traveled amount the fans, one, in particular, caught my eye. She was a brunet in the back, away from everyone, yet she looked completely content. More than content. She looked like she had just won the lottery. I couldn’t see who she was talking to, maybe a lover or a friend. Maybe it was her. I shook that thought from my head. She hated crowds. She hated the noise and the flashes. Just as Rob came to escort me through the crowd the woman looked up, and my breath caught in my throat. It couldn’t be, right?

 

** Y/N POV **

****

            The roar of the crowd seemed to grow exponentially as the black Escalade pull up. Security came rushing out of this the hotel to assist whoever was going to be exiting the car. I didn’t have a great view of the car door, but that was something I was happy about. If I couldn’t see them, then there was even less of a chance they could see me.

            “Oh it’s the girls” Becca marveled as Ally exited the car first.

            “Yeah, I should probably run now, you know…” I trailed off. They were staying on the same floor as the rest of the wedding party, so getting back to my room was going to be a nightmare. Maybe I could go back to the Y/Initials enterprise building. The couch in Lexa’s office was super comfy and I could totally crash there for the night.

            “How are you planning on getting back into the building?” Becca brought me out of my thoughts.

            “I’m not really sure. I was actually kind of planning on…” She stepped out of the car. Her green eyes scanned the crowd and landed on me. Time seemed to come to a grinding halt. I saw the glint of recognition on her face. It felt like I was falling. The lights and sounds faded into the background and all I could see and hear were her.

 

_Flashback_

_“You ready to do this? It looks like they’re getting crazy out there” I said as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. I had decided to take her to her favorite sushi restaurant for her birthday, and someone had leaked that we were going to be her. It had been madness trying to get into the building, so I could only imagine the crazy we were going to face on the way out. She tilted her head so I could kiss her._

_“I know that you’ll protect me.” She leaned in and allowed me to place a chaste kiss on her lips._

_“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got your big strong lover girl to protect you from the scary paparazzi, don’t mention me or Max or anyone else in your security team.” Big Rob piped up from somewhere behind us._

_“I’m trying to be romantic here” Lauren called over our connected shoulders. I learned in so I could whisper in her ear._

_“Don’t worry babe, I’ll always be here to protect you” I made sure my lips just barely touched her, just like I knew she loved. Tonight, was all about her and making her feel good._

_“I don’t think you have to be romantic with this one by your side” Rob again chimed in. I ignored him and continued my light assault on the skin just below her ear._

_“You ready to face them?” I had brought my lips back up to caress the shell of her ear. She let out a light sigh. In truth, I was surprised she had lasted this long. I had spent all night giving her light touches, just shy of what she was craving._

_“You’re going to have to remove your face from my neck first unless you want to give everyone a free show.” She turned her head to smirk at me._

_“You’re right, we should sell tickets. We could double our income.” I stood straight and smirked back at her. Her jaw dropped indignantly._

_“Alright lovebirds, I’m growing old waiting for you two to decided that standing in a doorway isn’t the way you want to spend the rest of your evening.” Rob again intoned from behind us. I sighed and pushed the door open, making sure to pull Lauren closer to me._

_The moment we stepped outside we were blinded by the flashing cameras, and the noise became defining. There were so many questions being thrown our way that it was impossible to tell them apart. It seemed that as we moved to make our way through the crowd, the scrambled to clump closer and closer together. It was overwhelmingly claustrophobic, and I didn’t know how much farther I could make it. I heard our securities shouts of “make a path” just over the noise of the mob, but everything felt as if it was fading into the background. The lights seemed to bleed together, like crayons under a hairdryer, and the noise felt as if it was getting farther and farther away._

_I felt tugging hands on my arm and a voice very close to my ear._

_“Come on babe you have to breath for me” The voice was soft and soothing. Like honey on a sore throat. I wasn’t walking through a crowd any longer, but floating in space, held only by the musical voice. I turned my face to look at the voice of my love, but all I was met with was darkness._

_“Y/initials, you need to breathe.” The voice changed, and it was as if I was no longer floating but crashing back into the earth._

 

            “Come on me Y/initials you have to breathe.” The words were loud and very close to my ear. The lights seemed to blink on suddenly, and I was confused. The noise from the crowd was gone. I wasn’t standing, and I wasn’t sitting on the sidewalk. What was happening? I could feel my breathing start to pick up again, and I could feel the blood pounding in my ears.

            “Y/initials. Open your eyes. You’re safe, there’s no one else here.” I listened to the voice and slowly cracked my eyes open. I was right about not being outside anymore. It was significantly dimmer in here.

            “Hey.” The person snapped their fingers right in front of my face and my eyes shot to her brown ones. I had never looked at her eyes this close-up. They weren’t just brown. They were a dark amber color. Like chocolate mixed with honey. I liked chocolate, it was one of my favorite desserts. I mean there was so much you could do with chocolate. But would it taste good with honey? It would probably be way too sweet. Wow, I probably sounded like a creeper to the voice inside my head. It probably thought that I was obsessed with eyes now, and chocolate. But eyes were super important to human existence. The eyes were the window to the soul. You could tell so much by someone’s eyes.

            “Focus Y/initials. Tell me 5 things you can see” Camila’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked away from her eyes and began to examine the room we were in. The first thing I could focus on was the large metal fridge in the corner. Followed by the stove and microwave, the mixer and the table. I didn’t remember saying the names of the objects I saw out loud, but Camila nodded as I identified each one of them in my head.

            “4 things you can hear?” I could hear the hum of the fridge. It seemed to be a steady b♭. If I focused, I could faintly hear the crowd outside. They seemed to be chanting something now, or maybe that was all just in my head. I could still remember the night I had written that song. How easily it had come to me.  

_Flashback_

_“Come on Y/initials, play along with us” and just like that the scene was gone. I opened my eyes and I was sat with my guitar in my lap, casually picking on the strings._

_“babe Camila is talking to you” my head snapped to the sound of my girlfriend. Her hand was on my back rubbing soothing circles._

_“Sorry Camz, I wasn’t paying attention.” I didn’t look away from my green-eyed beauty._

_“I said play along with us,” Camila begged from her spot on the couch next to me. We had built the tradition of gathering in the 5H dressing room after the concert. We had to wait for all everything to be packed back onto the trucks anyway, so we liked to hang out after the show. We usually just sat around and talked about the crowd, but sometimes the girls liked to play little games. Tonight, the game was to create the silliest song you could and get the most people to laugh. So far Dinah was in the lead, but Demi was catching up to them. I had sat back for most of the performances. I hadn’t really slept the night before and had done several interviews before soundcheck even began. My adrenaline from the show was quickly wearing off and I knew the crash was coming._

_“Leave her alone guys. She’s not in the mood” I leaned my head further into my girlfriends’ neck, letting her sooth me._

_“We’ll leave you alone and you can go be a puppy and cuddle on the bus after you play one round Y/N” My sister's voice called from across the room. I just leaned even further into Lauren and let out a high-pitched whine. Lauren let out a magical giggle and I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my face. She had me good._

_“fine” I pouted, but still extricated myself from the warm embrace of my girlfriend. I fixed the guitar on my lap and let out a tired sigh._

_“What am I supposed to play?” My brain was too fried to think right now, and I had already forgotten what we were doing._

_“Play something fun or funny. We all know that you suck at happy songs, so I’m not even worried about you beating me.” Dinah smirked from her spot beside Normani._

_I looked over at Lauren. She was wearing a backless dress and some old beat up converse. It seemed like a complete contradiction, but in reality, it was just so her. She was my teenage dream. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I allowed my finger to begin to pick out a riff on the guitar and I looked away from my girl._

_A backless dress and some beat up sneaks_  
My discotheque Juliet teenage dream  
I felt it in my chest as she looked at me  
I knew we were bound to be together  
Bound to be together

_I saw all of the girls’ jaws drop as I began the upbeat tune. It was perfect, but it wasn’t. It was perfectly imperfect, just like her. I caught Lauren's eye again and I couldn’t help but smile at her smile. This song was about her, so I was glad that she didn’t hate it._

_She took my arm_  
I don't know how it happened  
We took the floor and she said

 _Oh don't you dare look back_  
Just keep your eyes on me  
I said you're holding back  
She said shut up and dance with me  
This woman is my destiny  
She said oh-oh-oh  
Shut up and dance with me

_By the end, all of us were singing, more like screaming, and dancing around the dressing room, as though we hadn’t just performed a show. The girls had picked up on the chorus and were now trying to figure out all of the harmonies._

_“Dude there’s no way you can go to bed now. That was fantastic and you have to finish it before you forget.” Demi had said_

_“But you said that if I played around, I could go be a puppy and cuddle with my girlfriend” I whined stomping my foot like a petulant child. I didn’t want to finish the song now. I had done as they had demanded and now, I just wanted to sleep._

_“Here babe, I got your book. I can help you write it down if you want and then I promise you, we can go cuddle.” Lauren removed the guitar from my grasp and carefully set it back into the case and handed me the little black book that held my career._

_“I’ll write it” I sighed out. I loved Lauren, but only I could write in my book. It was where my darkest thoughts and feelings became something beautiful. After it was written down, I could go back through and make sure all of the lyrics were perfect. I could pinpoint where I wanted each instrument part to fall, and I could guarantee that it was the way I wanted it to be. If I didn’t write this song down, it would never leave this room, but I knew that once I started, I couldn’t stop. There would be no cuddles tonight, and I would probably pull another all-nighter to finish. Sometimes it didn’t feel like I had a choice when it came to music._

“Y/initials I need you to focus for me.” again the brown eyed girl brought me back from the land of Nod. It felt so difficult to order my thoughts like I was underwater. Not water, a more viscous substance, like jello. Where had we been? Oh yeah, things I could hear. I swear that the crowd was singing my song, but I couldn’t be sure.

            “it’s not in your head. They sound like they’re singing Shut Up and Dance” her voice answered my question. I could hear her talking and I could hear the faint clanking of dishes.

            “3 things you can touch.” I could feel my back touching up against something solid and cold. I assumed it was another metal fridge by the sound it was making. I could feel her warm hands grasping mine. And I could feel the porcelain tile beneath me.

            “2 things you can smell.” I took a big, deep breath. The first scent that hit me was her. She smelled like pina colada. I supposed that was a mixture of her shampoo and body wash. I could also smell a hint of vanilla coming from her jacket. It wasn’t just vanilla. It was the perfume that Lauren wore. Maybe I was just imagining that too.

            “No, this is her cardigan, so it probably does smell like her.” Camila laughed. She reached into the pocket of said cardigan and pulled out a yellow colored candy.

            “One thing you can taste” She passed the candy to me and I popped it in my mouth. I briefly allowed myself to wonder if it was a coincidence that it was butterscotch. Had she remembered that it was my favorite, or did she just happen to have that flavor in her pocket?

            “It’s my favorite too you weirdo. Are you feeling better?” She asked, moving to sit beside me instead of crouching in front of me.

            “Yeah. Less like a space cadet, I think” I murmured. It was true. I didn’t feel like my thought were so jumbled, and it was easier to concentrate.

            “How did we make it to the kitchen,” I asked after a moment. The last thing I remembered was seeing Lauren, and now I was sitting with her bandmate in God knows where.

            “I saw you talking to that girl when they were escorting me inside. I wasn’t sure if it was you or not, so I snuck away from the girls and I was planning on coming out to find you. The next thing I know I find the girl dragging you inside that door,” she pointed to the large double doors on our right. How didn’t I notice them? “Freaking out because you were hyperventilating and shaking. Apparently, she works for the restaurant. Anyway, we finally got you to sit down, and she left to find Dallas.” Camila finished her story. Before the incident, I hadn’t had a flashback like that in so long. Now they were slowly becoming an everyday occurrence, and now they had happened twice a day. It didn’t matter if the memory was one of my favorites or something horrible. They were disorientating and completely unpleasant, and it felt like any and everything was beginning to set them off.

            “Where did you go?” She asked again after a moment.

            I let my head rest against the cool metal of the fridge and stared at the pattern the ceiling tiles created.

            “Two different places, I think. One was the time Lauren and I got caught in that giant crowd after her birthday dinner, and the other was the night you guys forced me to write Shut Up and Dance.” I continued to inspect the ceiling. It was boring and bland, but far easier to face than the beautiful girl sitting next to me.

            “At least one was kind of happy this time.” She agreed from next to me. I made only a small sound to let her know I heard her. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.

            “It’s good to see you,” I said with my eyes still closed, and I felt her shift.

            “it’s good to see you too. I missed you after everything happened.” She mumbled the last part. Probably afraid that I would freak out again, or simply walk away entirely.

            “Ally and I don’t believe the story that they’re telling about you.” It felt like so much more than a statement of fact. It was a slightly probing question, almost like a trap ready to catch me.

            “She didn’t tell you what happened that night?” I answered her question with an even more direct one. It was a technique I had perfected over the years. She laughed.

            “I’m not some interviewer you can spin around in circles, and I know she didn’t tell us the whole story.” Camila continued

            “I’m curious as to what she told you.” I kept my tone careful. This could be a very dangerous subject. She wanted answers, they all did. That’s why they kept trying to lure me into these discussions, but I was too curious to stop now.

            “She didn’t say much. Only that you two had broken up and that management had a plan to spin it. She also said that Demi was in on it. We didn’t realize what it was until it was too late, but when we figured it out, Ally and I were pissed.” So, they didn’t know what had happened on either front, just that management was involved. I had idly wondered how the group didn’t implode after they figured out exactly what had gone down that night. I could still see the makeup running down her face when she said those words. The words that had broken me. I wanted to pretend that it didn’t matter, but maybe it did. I shook my head.

            “This isn’t going to end well is it?” I questioned out loud.

            “I’m going to take a swing and say that, that was a rhetorical question” Camila intoned. Probably put out that I didn’t give her any of the information she wanted.

 

            “If I’m like this from catching a glimpse of her, how am I going to be if there’s an actual confrontation? I keep telling myself that I’ll be able to pretend she doesn’t have an effect on me. That I’ll be able to pretend that I don’t care. And I’m also going to have to deal with Demi. It’s going to be so much worse with her. She knows what to say to hurt me.” I felt the unwanted tears begin to leak out of my eyes, as I hid my face in my hands. I was so frustrated with everything. They couldn’t find out the truth. That would cause so much more harm than good. I really had to get a handle on all of this if I was going to make it through the weekend alive. It was time for me to reel my emotions back in. I had been vulnerable enough for the day. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that this had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very very very bad idea

 I felt soft hands pull me into a warm body.

            “Don’t worry Y/N. Camila, Ally and I all have your back.” My eldest sisters voice whispered in my ear. When did she get here? This was another reason I hated showing emotions. First, they made you weak and vulnerable. Then they made you miss things happening in your surroundings, like my sister appearing out of the blue. What if it had been one of the other girls?  I couldn’t break down in front of them.

            “Just let it out. I know you feel like you have to deal with all this stuff by yourself, but you don’t. I told you before It’s our turn to protect you.” I stayed completely still. Maybe I could let this continue for a few moments. I couldn’t voice my disagreement right now anyway, and it also just felt so nice to be held. It was like she was holding all of the pieces that were falling apart back together. I hadn’t allowed myself to be held like this in so long, so I let it last for what felt like a few minutes.

            I slowly leaned back and untangled myself from her comforting grasp, noting that Camila was gone in my head. She probably had to return to the girls, so she didn’t look suspicious. I closed my eyes and focused on re-centering myself. I took all of my feelings and shoved them back into the tiny boxes that had inhabited before, slamming the lid back on all of them. This would be the last time during this trip that they would be able to escape my control. It would be simple. I would attend the wedding, stay in the back and have no other encounters with people I didn’t want to see. Afterward, I would simply slip out and disappear again. No fuss, no muss and it would all come at a low flat rate. I felt my shoulders square and my back straighten. I was done being weak.

            “No Y/N don’t pull away and shut me out”. Dallas had noticed the change in my demeanor immediately, and I knew she wasn’t happy about it. But it was too late to go back. I Had just made another choice.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally get some Camila and Lauren action!!! The next Chapter is way more not Y/N focused and we get some more different POV's. It will probably be out next week, fingers crossed. As always, stay beautiful. Till Next Time...
> 
> A.J


	4. Chapter 4: Whiskey and Little Black Books

**** Chapter 4 ** **

Dallas’ POV

“So, let me get this straight, she just turned off her emotions”. Ally asked again from her spot on the king-sized bed. She had texted me that she was back in our room and Y/N all but forced me to go see her stating that it would be my only opportunity to get some alone time with her because the girls were kidnapping her tonight. They were serious about all of the wedding traditions, even if we were less than thrilled. I hadn’t wanted to leave her alone, but she insisted that she would be fine. Camila and Ally had been waiting for me when I got there. Camila had filled in the blanks of what happened before I got there, and I had finished the story. It was heartbreaking to see Y/N so upset, and even worse to see her hiding behind her walls again in an effort, I assume, to protect us.

“I could practically see the walls being built.” I continued my pacing. I didn’t know how I was going to get us out of this mess. I had tried to be strong and reassuring for Y/N, but the truth was that I was just as concerned and unsure as she was. There were far too many variables to control to ensure that my wedding didn’t turn into a disaster, and though I knew that Y/N wouldn’t start a confrontation, I couldn’t guarantee any of the others involved would be so courteous.

“Retreating is her defense mechanism,” Camila added from her spot. I sighed and sat down next to Ally, rubbing my face with my hands.

“I know, but we can’t fix it if she won’t even tell us what happened,” I said into my hands. Ally began rubbing my back, and I relaxed into her touch. I heard both Camila and Ally sigh.

“I don’t think that you can fix it, babe. I don’t think they want you to fix it.” Ally leaned her head onto my shoulder, and I sighed yet again. I knew that it wouldn’t be a quick and simple patch job. The argument between Y/N and Demi had completely blown our family apart, even if we weren’t completely sure what it was about, and the root of their problem stemmed from whatever happened with Lauren. The problems with Maddison then stemmed from whatever had happened with Demi. The entire situation was a mess, and all participants seemed content to remain silent. I knew Y/N was withholding information because she wanted to protect the girls, but I didn’t know why Demi and Lauren were so content to let her take the fall. Maybe it was just easier for them.

“All Taylor would tell me is that Lauren is the one who initiated the break-up,” Camila said. She had teamed with Ally and me to try and keep track of Y/N, and she had proved to be vital. However, Taylor was still more loyal to Y/N than any of us and had refused to reveal anything that she didn’t deem as need to know. She was more than willing to tell us that she had Y/N and that she had helped her work through her writer’s block, but she wouldn’t mention any specific details about what was now deemed the “incident”.

“Madison Said that Y/N had stepped over the line. She didn’t know exactly what happened with Demi, but Demi was really upset, and she had to have one of her walls repaired.” Madison had been the most open in our quest for the truth, but she didn’t know much more than us. It wasn’t surprising that Maddi sided with Demi, but her reaction to Y/N had been way over the top.

_ Memory _

_We were all sat around the kitchen table, ready for a family dinner, minus Demi. Mom and Dad were sat at opposing heads of the table, I was next to Maddi on Mom’s right and Y/N was next to the empty chair on mom’s left. Moments like this were rare, with Y/N’s success and her music career, she was almost never able to make a trip home. Though we were sure that this impromptu vacation was a result of some catastrophic events, mom was determined to make the best of it. She had been insistent that all of us were present, even going so far as to denying Maddi’s request for her girlfriend Bea to eat with us._

_This had left her in an even worse mood than the one she had been in after her phone call with Demi. She had been short with Y/N the moment she walked in the door. She refused to even acknowledge she was in the house, and after her phone call, she had become even more hostile, only responding to Y/N with snippy remarks and shoulder-checking her every time she got the chance. I was surprised that all Y/N seemed to do was sink further and further into herself. She looked defeated, which was something I had never described my sister as._

_The tension at the table was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but everyone seemed to be on their best behavior. I knew Y/N was trying to make mom happy, and Maddi was probably afraid that being blatantly rude at the dinner table would get her in even more hot water, though she continued to pout about not being allowed to see her girlfriend. She hadn’t been able to resist shooting Y/N a remark about how she at least had a girlfriend, but Y/N hadn’t taken the bate and continued to eat her food in silence._

_“That was good, thank you, Mom.” Y/N put her fork down and spoke quietly, almost as though speaking too loudly would incite further conflict._

_“You are very welcome. It’s good to have you home” Mom smiled back, also setting her fork down. Y/N gave her a shy smile. It was reminiscent of the first time she met mom. She had hidden behind Demi and me only speaking when spoken to. It was strange to see her like that. It was a complete 180 from the way she stood up to our father and the way she acted on stage. It was like she was a different person._

_“Maddi, can you do the dishes please?” Mom turned her smile on Maddi. Maddi’s scowl deepened._

_“Isn’t its Y/N’s turn since she hasn’t done them in like 6 months?” Maddi fired back. Y/N’s smile disappeared, and she looked down._

_“Y/N is a guest, and it’s your night.” Mom leveled Maddi with a stern stare._

_“Guests are generally people you invite to your house, not someone who shows up unannounced.” Maddie appeared unfazed._

_“I don’t know what your problem is, but Y/N is your sister, and we don’t treat family like that.” Dad chimed in, attempting to remedy whatever Maddi’s issue was, but Maddi wasn’t having it._

_“Y/N is not my sister.” Maddie leveled a glare of her own at Y/N. Y/N didn’t look up, seeming to be more interested in the thread on her pants. Mom opened her mouth to rebut the comment, but Y/N beat her to it._

_An “It’s fine mom, I’ll do the dishes” was quietly murmured, and she stood and began to gather the dishes from the table._

_“No, Y/N I asked your sister to do them.” Mom turned to Y/Initials, her expression softening._

_“She’s NOT my sister, and YOU don’t get to call her mom.” Maddi Sneered. Y/N’s head snapped up to meet Maddi’s gaze, but she looked tired, instead of angry. There was no fire in her eyes, just defeat and utter exhaustion._

_“Family isn’t always determined by blood Maddi. Considering that I have never actually met my real mother, Dianna is my mom. She doesn’t mind, and that is the way I see her. I’m sorry for whatever you think I’ve done, but…” Y/N began, but she was interrupted._

_“Here we go again with the woes me story. Can’t you ever just take responsibility for your shortcomings. Can’t you for once just take the consequence for your actions, instead of worming your way out of them.” Maddi snarled. Y/N’s brow furrowed._

_“I always take responsibility, Maddi. I always take the consequence. I do my best for you, Demi and Dallas, I always have.” Y/N sounded confident._

_“Bull shit!! You and Demi had interventions, but do they threaten to take me away from you, no. They punish her instead, even though you were probably the one who got her into that stuff in the first place. You can’t keep your relationship together, and instead of taking it on the chin, you blame Demi. You go to her house, and insult her, and destroy one of her walls, and then you run home crying, expecting everyone to feel sorry for you. Well, I don’t feel sorry for you. You are manipulative, and a little weasel only interested in what you want and what you think you deserve. You are a horrible, abusive person just like your father. You are no sister of mine.” Maddi’s chest was heaving, and her cheeks were red. I was surprised by the things she had said, and I was even more shocked by how misinformed she was._

_Dianna may not be Y/N’s biological mother, but she had embraced the role with so much enthusiasm that no one would know the difference. When the interventions had been held, Y/N was much more receptive than Demi had been. Y/N wasn’t really into drugs, she was more into alcohol. She knew that she was slowly killing herself already and agreed to get help. She wasn’t happy when we told her she would be separated from Demi, but we had guilted her with the truth that separating them was better for Demi anyway. Demi had been more resistive, and my parents had to sway her. They were prepared to used Maddi as leverage against both of them, they just didn’t need to use it on Y/N._

_The room fell deathly silent. Y/N very slowly placed the plate on the table. She glanced from my mom to Maddi to me and dad._

_“I’m sorry you feel that way, but you are gravely mistaken” Y/N’s voice was cold and emotionless, a tone that she only used when she was controlling her temper or speaking to our father. She used it when she was detaching from the situation when she was going to put someone unsavory in their place. She had never used that tone with us before, not even when we argued._

_“No, YOU are mistaken if you think I’m going to let you off the hook” Maddi attempted to match Y/N’s tone, but she couldn’t. Y/N had perfected it over the years. Y/N nodded and turned on her heel, storming towards the door. Mom chased after her._

_“She doesn’t mean it.” Mom’s voice pleaded down the hallway._

_“It’s obvious I’m not welcome here. Let me go before I cause another disaster.” Y/N sounded resigned. I heard the door slam and a motorcycle engine rev, and like that she was gone._

_ Memory Over _

“Y/N is super sensitive about being compared to her father. Lauren had to warn Dinah and Normani not to even joke about it because she got so mad.” Camila broke me out of my thoughts. Our father was a really sore subject with all of us. Y/N more than the rest, but she had her reasons. She had taken the brunt of his abuse, and I wasn’t sure if we really knew how much she had protected us from. I sighed again. She had taken so much for us, and even when we don’t deserve it, she would continue to place herself in harm’s way to prevent us from feeling the pain. I just hoped that by the end of this she would see that she deserves happiness too.

“She has a good reason to be” I mumbled. AJ had more scars than any of us, and I knew that many of them weren’t visible to the naked eye. I had always wondered about what he had done to her during the night Demi and I spent with my mother. She never mentioned it and would evade any questions with ease. She was good at hiding, and I couldn’t help but feel partially responsible for that. Lauren had done a great job helping us break down her walls brick by brick, and I knew that AJ had shared almost as much with her as she did with her little black songbook.

“Wasn’t she writing a song about him” Ally questioned from behind me, following my train of thought.

“Yes” was strained as it came out. I had only gotten a glimpse of the page filled with black ink. Lines written and crossed out over and over. It was one of the only times I had gotten to see the contents of the famous little black book. The book had just “appeared” backstage at one of Demi’s shows, with a note to “finish what I can’t”. No one saw AJ enter or leave the building, the book was the only sign she was there. We had painstakingly read through the contents of the songbook, searching for answers, but the only thing that was crystal clear was the war going on inside AJ’s mind before the incident. The book started nice, but as it progressed, pages were covered in line after crossed outline, some were exed out entirely. There were only two songs that weren’t completely destroyed. The first was titled “father”. It was incomplete, but the notes were clear, and the song “sober” which was the only one finished. It was dated after the incident, but it confirmed our worst fears. We knew that she had been having difficulties writing, but we never knew that it was that bad.

“Do you think she will come to the rehearsal dinner?” Ally piped up from behind me. I turned my head towards her and pecked her lips, smiling.

“She’s surprised me thus far, so I’m really not sure,” I answered quietly. AJ was a wild card. I used to be able to predict what she would do so well, and now it was like I didn’t even know her. She was so different from the person she was before the incident. She would have never just sat and let Maddi walk all over her. She had gotten past the phase where she held all of her emotions in. She had begun to talk about her experiences as a child and seemed to be making progress towards working through her feelings about our father. But now, all of the walls had been built back up, and I knew that she would put up one hell of the fight to keep them that way.

“She kept saying that she didn’t think that she could handle seeing them again” Camila chimed in again, breaking me from my reverie. She was right when she said that this was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.

“I don’t know…” The knock resounded throughout the room, interrupting my response. I sighed and reluctantly made my way to the door. I wasn’t ready to face this whole mess, and I really wasn’t ready to be removed from my lovely fiancé, but the time had come. Now, I could only hope and pray to God and the universe that this entire thing didn’t implode on itself, but knowing us, it totally would. The knocks sounded even more frantic, and I called out a “Calm your tits, I’m coming” as flicked the lock and opened the door without checking who was on the other side.

Demi POV

“Dam they’re crazy out there,” I said to my bodyguard Max, as we stepped through the shining doors of the Ritz Carlton, away from the prying eyes and the blazing sun. My trip here was relatively uneventful, just a plane ride from the last stop on my tour and a trip in a car. Things got crazy as we pulled up to the hotel where my sister would be saying “I do” to the girl she had been dating for nearly 10 years. Part of me wished that the insanity was just due to the fact that more than 150 of the worlds rich and famous would be coming and going for the next few days, but a small part of me knew that they were hoping to catch a glimpse of my recently elusive sister.

She had taken every effort to throw my family, the fans and the media completely off of her scent, and up until a few days ago, she had been completely successful. She had gone off the map completely, refusing almost all calls, except for the occasional one from my mother, who refused to share any information with me, and a few friends, who were even less inclined to answer questions. The fans speculated things and had too many theories about where she was to count, that was until last night and this morning. Someone had tweeted that she was spotted catching a flight from JFK to LAX, and another person had confirmed that she was staying at the hotel. Paparazzi had jumped at the possibility, and now here we were with a media frenzy on our hands. I idly wondered if her publicist would post a picture of her on a tropical island somewhere just to calm the media down, but I doubted it.

“Your room 1321, it’s right across from Dallas’.” Max said as he handed me the key card, breaking me out of my thoughts. He looked anxious, probably because he would have to brave the people to go pick up Selena from her flight. She had her own security crew, but everyone thought it best if we added extra people to deal with the circus outside.

“I think I can handle finding it. Go make sure my girl gets here safe” I smiled and shoved his shoulders. He seemed to look relieved at the dismissal. I turned towards the elevators and spotted Normani, Dinah and Lauren waiting together and began to make my way towards them. At least I would have good company on the ride up.

Lauren was the first to spot me, and a look of relief flickered on her face before a simple smile replaced it. I guessed that they had been badgering her for details and she hoped that my arrival might cause them to stop, but I doubted that. We had done several interviews together, and it always seemed like they were looking for holes in the story we had told them. The other girls turned to see what she was smiling at and greeted me with a “hey girl” as I strode up to them. We casually exchanged pleasantries as we waited for the elevator when a loud roar from the crowd outside seemed to catch all of our attention.

“Dam, They’re absolutely nuts today” Normani muttered as the elevator dinged and the golden doors opened.

“They think that their hero has risen from oblivion” Dinah snarked as we made our way into the elevator and pressed to correct room number. I heard Normani start her reply, but Just as the doors began to close, I saw a familiar figure walking across the main concourse. She had her head down and looked as though she really didn’t want to be seen. I blinked and shared a look with Lauren who was standing next to me, confirming that I wasn’t completely crazy.

“What’s up with you two. You look like you saw a ghost.” Dinah shoved Lauren’s shoulder, causing her to break eye contact with me.

“Nothing, DJ.” Lauren quickly dismissed, picking up her phone and flicking through it.

“It’s obviously not nothing because you two haven’t looked like that since management had told us the plan,” Normani mumbled from behind us. I heard Lauren sigh.

“The Lovatics are taking this thing way too far,” She said, obviously unhappy with whatever she had seen on her phone.

“Yeah, they want her to crash the wedding, but I swear to you all that if I see her ass, she’s getting a poly beatdown and then I’ll kick her ass just to top it off. No one messes with my Laurser” Dinah said, wrapping her arm around Lauren.

“You don’t even know what happened” Mani countered, bumping Dinah. Lauren wore a bored expression. They had been pestering her about what had really happened since the day that they were told what the story was. Ally and Camila had been the most suspicious. Always looking for holes in our argument, Dinah had taken our side completely and Normani had fallen somewhere in the middle. I could always tell that she didn’t really believe the story, but she never pushed us for answers, and I appreciated that greatly. Dinah looked like she was going to reply, but the elevator ding interrupted her. I smiled internally, it seemed like all we could do when we were together was talk about her. I knew that she was an integral part of our lives, but I hadn’t realized how much she actually brought us all together until she left. I sighed and walked over to the door that was across from the room I knew to be my own and knocked.

AJ POV

_Memory (Slight Trigger Warning for alcohol use and a mention of suicide)_

_The dimly lit bar welcomed me like an old friend. One who was always there to listen, but never expected an answer. One who always gave comfort, but never got tired of me. I had avoided places like this for so long, and I knew that there was a good reason for that, but I couldn’t quite remember it at the moment. Sitting on the worn leather stool at the polished mahogany bar was too hard to resist. I hadn’t taken a drink in 5 years, and now I was prepared to throw everything away, but who would care. Lauren wouldn’t. Demi sure as hell wouldn’t and wouldn’t. They had already moved on, I had seen that for myself._

_I had gone to LA, debating about apologizing to them, but what I had seen stopped me in my tracks. I was at the corner of 29 th and park when I saw them. Lauren was wrapped up in his arms, and Demi was smiling next to her. They slipped inside a bar I had never been in before. I had only been gone a month and she had already moved on. I had tried to convince myself that she was lying when she said she never loved me, but I guess I had been wrong. No one could move on that fast unless they weren’t in love, to begin with. I turned on my heel and began to walk as fast as I could in the other direction, away from the people who I loved, away from the people who didn’t love me, just away._

_“What can I get ya,” The young brunet bartender asked me, whipping her hands on a napkin, and breaking me out of my thoughts. I hadn’t realized I had been sitting in the nearly empty bar for an uncomfortable amount of time._

_“Jack and Coke, hold the coke,” I mumbled, leaning on the bar and pulling out my little black book._

_“Bad day?” The bartender asked as she went off selecting a top shelf Jack Daniels bottle and pulling out a Collins glass._

_“something like that,” I said as I flipped open the pages of my well-worn book, past the lines and lines of black ink, and to one of the few blank pages left. I thought for a few moments about what I wanted to title this particular piece. Only one word came to mind, the thing that I was about to give up. It’s not like it would matter anyway, no one would ever get to hear it. The cool glass was placed in front of me, and without a thought I picked it up and took a long sip, draining the glass of the dark brown liquid, and pushing it back towards the bartender and began to scribble the words onto the page._

_Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore_ __  
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor  
To the ones who never left me  
We've been down this road before  
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore  
I'm not sober anymore

_I wasn’t drunk yet, but I planned to be there very soon. As I signaled the bartender to give me another drink. The first one was a warm-up, and now I just craved more of the burn that the dark liquid brought. It meant that I didn’t have to feel the pain in my chest anymore. This was why id stopped drinking in the first place. I knew that once I started it was nearly impossible for me to stop. I had done it last time for Demi. I sighed. Demi didn’t need me to be sober anymore, we had decided that we were dead to each other. I guess that she had decided to move on, she looked pretty cozy with Lauren’s new boy toy. Maybe he was better for them than I ever was. The bartender slid me another drink but didn’t walk off this time._

_“You should pace yourself, kid, don’t want to be passing out,” She said, looking curiously at me, as though she were trying to work out how a puzzle fit together. I laughed. I wanted to pass out. I wanted to get so shit faced that I couldn’t remember my own name or the reason why I was upset in the first place. Maybe I would get so drunk that I would wake up and like in Alice and Wonderland I would just crawl out of the rabbit hole. Maybe it was the way to escape the mad tea party and missing of important dates that had become my life. Maybe I Just wouldn’t’ wake up at all. That was a lovely thought. One that I hadn’t entertained in a really long time. Maybe it would just be better for everyone if I never came back._

_“Don’t worry about that. I know what I’m doing, this isn’t my first time.” I said, as I knocked back the second glass, and pushed it back towards her yet again._

_“What causes a kid like you to take up drinking,” She said as she began to pour me refill._

_“It’s complicated,” I smirked. The alcohol was starting to take effect and I was feeling a lot less angry than I had been just moments ago. I just wouldn’t go back to them. Their lives were obviously better without me, and I would give them exactly what they wanted. I closed my little black book and started to slide it into my back pocket. I wouldn’t need it anymore. Maybe I Should bring it to Clarke and Lexa. Maybe they could find an owner that would love it more than I ever could. I shook my head. There was only one person who would understand the things written in it._

_“You seem like the complicated type.” She began, sliding me yet another glass, “What you got there” she pointed to my book still clutched in my hand, and I froze like a kid caught with their hand in the candy jar._

_“It’s supposed to be like a journal, but all it’s been is a pain in the ass lately,” I said as I grabbed the glass in front of me but didn’t drink it just yet. “What’s your name?” The girl nodded at my question._

_“You shouldn’t keep things that are a pain. And Alex. What’s yours?” She said smiling, probably happy that she had gotten me out of my sour mood._

_“Y/Middle/N,” I said, bringing the glass up to my lips and taking a much smaller sip than before, savoring the way it burned my mouth and throat as I swallowed. She was right. I shouldn’t keep it if all it was going to do was piss me off. I would give it to more capable hands than myself._

_“Well, Y/Middle/N you should try something that actually tastes good, rather than straight whiskey.” She leaned on the counter. I sighed._

_“It doesn’t have to taste good. Whiskey makes me numb, and I forgot how much I liked that.” I smiled and knocked the rest of the glass back._

_ Memory Over _

“Hey there, what can I get ya?” The redheaded bartender broke me out of my memories. The last time I had been in a bar I had decided that I didn’t want to be sober anymore, and I couldn’t bring myself to regret that decision. Taylor had helped me break through my remaining writer’s block, but the alcohol is what had kickstarted the process. Alcohol was an interesting thing. It numbed me to my emotions but also made it so much easier to express them in words, and that’s what I needed right now. I needed to be numb if I was going to be able to make it through this weekend.

“Can you do an Old Fashion?” I smiled at the redhead, and she smiled back at me and went off to make my drink. I just needed something to take the edge off, and I had already promised Taylor to lay off my liver for a little while. An Old Fashion was better than straight Whiskey, at least that’s what I told myself. She couldn’t get upset with me for having her favorite.

“You know I didn’t believe my girlfriend when she said that she ran into you,” She said as she slid me my drink. I smiled at her again and took a short sip.

“Becca?” I questioned, smiling. Though I had only spoken to the girl for a few minutes, she had made a really good impression of me. She had said that she was an aspiring producer, and I was very interested in her work.

“Yeah, I’m Chloe.” She stuck her hand out for me to shake, and I did. I saw her eyes also linger on the music notes that adorned the inside of my wrist.

“Well Chloe, I don’t know who you think I am, but this is a great old fashion.” I winked at the girl, and she blushed. I guess she was a fan, though not quite as apparent as her tiny girlfriend. She looked like she wanted to say more, but a familiar figure sat down next to me, and her jaw dropped.

“I’ll have whatever she’s having” Her voice was high and smooth, like Aloe on a sunburn.

“I didn’t think you liked Old Fashions,” I mumbled and focused on my drink, my good mood suddenly gone. If Selena knew I was here, then chances were that Demi would also know, and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with that. I didn’t want a pep talk or a great sibling reunion. I just wanted a drink to take the edge off and then a nice night of friends in my room. I had wishfully thought that I could avoid any more encounters by hiding until everyone was at the rehearsal dinner, but I guess I was wrong.

“Taylor turned me onto them, and they have to have the right mix of orange and bitters” I could feel her gaze burning a hole in my head.

“Here you go Ms. Gomez” Chloe said as she set the glass down in front of my new companion.

“I didn’t know you started drinking again.” She said as sipped her glass.

“It was a good Choice,” I said lowly. It was true, I had made the choice to give up my sobriety, and frankly, I was wasn’t bothered by it. Sometimes there are no good choices, just choices that have to be made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we see more of the girls, if you squint, in this chapter, and we get to see a little more of the "incident". I'm sorry for any grammar or other mistakes, and hopefully, maybe the next chapter will be up next week. I think we will get some Camila/ Y/N, Selina/Demi and some Lauren in the next chapter, maybe. I haven't written it yet so I'm not sure, but I think that where we're headed. As always, stay beautiful, till next time....
> 
> AJ


	5. Chapter 2: Nightmares and Haircuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first Fanfiction. I don't know or own any of the characters, and there will be tons of background characters and relationships. This fic is a super slow burn, but eventually, the pairing will be Lauren/you. There is some abuse mentioned, but it will typically be within a flashback/memory and be clearly labeled as a trigger warning when it happens, and the end of that section will also be labeled if you want to skip it entirely. This story is also on Wattpad.

_ Flashback (mentions Alcohol and injury) _

_I woke to quiet whispering, and gentle hands running through my hair. I was lying face down, on a surface that was much colder than the rug I had passed out on. I pushed my eyes open and was met with a bright light._

_I could hear the tiny "tink" of something falling into the metal trashcan._

_"I think I got all the glass" the hushed voice sounded distant. "now we just need to get the bleeding to stop."_

_"It's really bad tonight and it's all my fault" This voice sounded closer._

_"It's not your fault. It probably would have happened either way. You know he's a loose cannon when he's drunk" The other voice seemed to be concentrating on something else._

_I let out a low groan as I became more conscious. It was shushed by someone very close to my ear._

_"I know it hurts Y/N, but you gotta be quiet. He just fell asleep and we don't want to wake him up again" her voice was soft and soothing. That was when the pain hit me. The burning traveled all the way up my back. I tried to move to escape the invisible flames, but gentle hands stopped me._

_"Y/N you can't move. I need to clean the cuts before they get infected" This voice was different than the first. More firm. A strangled sob escaped my mouth._

_"dam it! This one is too deep. I can't get the bleeding to stop" the voice was sounding more and more panicked by the minute._

_I turned my head just enough to see Demi and Dallas' concerned faces through the bathroom mirror._

_A gruff "just sew it" came from my mouth. They both sighed._

_"you need a hospital Y/N"_

_"no, I just need the bleeding to stop." I countered. I knew they were right, but if we left it would only be worse when we got back. In this state, there would be no way for me to protect them from him. Dallas looked hesitant, but she nodded quickly left to retrieve the needle and thread. Demi leaned down close to me._

_"What did he use this time?"_

_"A glass bottle, and then a belt I think. I passed out about halfway through." I grumbled. Demi had come home late and I had covered for her._

_"We need to tell Mom" the worry was evident in her voice._

_"We can't and you know it." It hurt to talk, but I needed to stop her. He would kill all of us, and I couldn't have that, or he would try and take me away from them. I could take the pain if it meant the people I loved were safe and together. She sighed but nodded. She knew I was right, but she didn't like it._

_"one day we'll be free" she had a determined look her eyes. The chances of that happening for me were slim. Technically, he was the only family I had left. No judge would take custody away from him. She had a better chance, so I just let her dream._

_"One day" I breathed out. There was a quiet click of the door and I knew Dallas had returned._

_"I got what we need and something to help with the pain." I moved my head just enough to see the amber bottle in her arms and I nodded. It wasn't anesthesia, but it would sure as hell numb the pain. She very carefully filled a Dixie cup with the liquid and passed it to Demi. She tilted my head up and poured the burning liquid down my throat. It hurt now, but I knew that it would benefit me later. If I was lucky it would make me pass out completely so I wouldn't feel anything at all._

_"OK. This might hurt." I felt her hand brace against my shoulder._

_There was a tiny prick and then a pulling sensation, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle._

_"how bad is it" Demi sounded curious_

_"s'not too bad" I slurred. My eyes were getting heavy. I felt the hand resume its place at the pack of my head, rubbing soothing patterns. A soft humming filled the empty space and soon enough I was back asleep._

_End of flashback_

I woke with a start. My body jerking to a sitting position. I glanced around the room, breathing a sigh of relief when I saw the overly fancy decorations. I was in a hotel, not my old bedroom. I brought my hands to my face, wiping the sweat from my forehead. I placed my palms over my eyes and tried to push the images I had just seen from my eyes. This was part of the reason I could never sleep. My thoughts were always plagued by old memories I would rather forget. I could keep them at bay when I was awake, but my mind was defenseless when I slept. I hadn't had one in so long before I left. Now they were back and had been getting progressively worse over the past year. I tried to chalk it up to repressing my emotions, but I knew the tension I had caused between myself and my family attributed to their reappearance greatly.

My sisters and I were once so close. We told each other everything and showed support with every crackpot idea the other came up with. We vowed to protect each other. We had made it through experience after experience, and then suddenly everything changed. My oldest sister was nowhere to be found, my youngest sister disowned me and my closest friend and confidant betrayed me. I recognized that I wasn't entirely innocent either. I acted like an ass and said some things that I shouldn't have.

The killer for me was that our "friends" had all taken sides in the family feud, and the side they chose wasn't mine. I was left alone in one of the darkest moments of my life.

I let out a loud sigh and pushed myself out of the extra comfy bed. I walked over to the sink and ran some cool water over my face. I brought my eyes up so I was face to face with myself. I kept eye contact and avoided looking down at my chest. The only part of my face I truly recognized as my own were my eyes. My hair obscured my famous dimples and chin. It had taken me forever to grow it out. I had become tired of it but was too afraid to shave it off. It made if almost impossible to identify me. I had grown my hair out so that if any paparazzi got a picture, there would be doubt.

Now the long hairs were just an annoyance. I wanted them gone, but if I cut them off it would almost be like saying I was back. Did I want to be back?

"I'm not sure" I spoke to myself. I caught myself waiting for a response that would never come. The guy in the mirror had to be just as unsure as I was. A loud knock at the door cut off my thoughts.

I grabbed my old shirt and looked out the little peephole. I couldn't really see the person. This made me laugh because it could only be one person. I pulled the door open and was immediately engulfed in a tight hug.

"Oh My God, don't you ever fucking scare me like that again," The blond head said into my chest. I just pulled her tighter to me and chucked.

"Did Alysus just used the Lord's name in vain and drop an f-bomb in the same sentence?"

"I did because the situation called for it! Now promise me!" She looked up at me.

"It depends on what you mean by the scare." I tried to joke, but I knew exactly what she meant.

"Never leave without a trace again. You left my house in the middle of the night, with no note. Then you wouldn't answer texts or calls. We didn't know what happened to you, or if you were even still alive. Taylor was the one to call us and tell us that you were ok!" She pushed against my chest.

After my fight with Demi, I had run to Texas to escape. I went and saw my family, but when that didn't go as planned I decided to spend the night at Ally's house. Ally had become like another big sister to me. She had been dating Dallas since before she and the girls tried out for X-Factor. Anyway, I showed up at her house at two o'clock in the morning, a complete wreck. Ally took me in and attempted to comfort me with hot chocolate and movies. She had conked out at 4 and I had left by 5. I couldn't stay and cause a rift between her and the people she loved.

I simply nodded and pulled her back into me. There were tears streaming down her face, and I couldn't tell if they were happy or sad. She again placed her chin on my chest and looked up at me.

"No Y/N. I want words. Tell me that you are never going to do that again." She said in a firm tone. Like a mother scolding a child.

"I promise you that I Y/N will never leave without telling you or responding to let you know I'm safe," I said solemnly, looking her in the eyes to show that I was honest.

"You mean it?" she asked hesitantly

"Scouts honor" I brought my left hand up in a mock salute and cracked a smile.

"Why do you always turn everything into a joke?" She again pushed me away from her. I looked down. I always took things with a smile, because it was easier than facing problems head-on. I could lighten the blow, or avoid it altogether. I hated confronting things I wasn't comfortable with; emotions were high on that list. I simply shrugged and gave her a knowing look.

"You know why"

"I wish it wasn't that way" she sighed

"Me too" I agreed. Growing up hadn't been a pleasant experience. In the process of trying to make sure everyone else was good, I had learned to bury my feeling under humor.

"Dallas said you're staying for the wedding" Ally sounded hopeful

"yep, there is no way I'm going to miss two of my favorite people walking down the Aisle." I was pleased with the turn of conversation.

"You know that both Demi and Lauren are going to be there?" She took a careful tone. Almost as though she wasn't asking an uncomfortable question. I simply nodded. I wasn't in the mood to think or talk about family issues. This was supposed to be the greatest day of their lives.

"I'm just trying to decide if I should go incognito." I motioned in an overdramatic circle around my face. Ally laughed.

"You need to at least look nice. Speaking of, I have your tux and your other clothes in my room." Ally trailed off.

"Well, it's a good thing I clean up nice." I smiled and winked at her. I guess my choice had been made for me.

"I've got to go meet the girls. They are flying in today, so..." she sounded slightly upset. I just smiled and gave her another hug.

"I'll be here when you get back smallz, I promise" she leaned back and wacked me on the chest.

"you're not that much taller than me!" She said indignantly

"But I'm still taller," I said with a smirk, releasing her from out hug. She shot me one last smile, and then she was gone.

Just like that, I was alone again with my thoughts, a dangerous position to be in. I sighed an allowed my chin to touch my chest. My choice had been made. I was not going to attend my sister's wedding looking like a bum. That would be disrespectful to both of them. It was time to stop hiding and pray to God that societal rules would keep any drama out of this whole affair, and by the time a suitable situation arose for a confrontation, I would already be gone. I hoped that my family would want to avoid causing a scene at the wedding as much as I did, but with them, one could never be sure. There was time to worry about that later, for now, I had to get cleaned up.

There was bound to be more fans and paparazzi waiting outside the hotel than there were before with the arrival of Ally and the rest of the celebrity wedding party. I could just see the tabloids now, "will Y/N show to his sister's wedding". They would do anything to get a story that would sell. I walked slowly to the window and barely moved the Curtin. If they were hardcore paps they would defiantly know what floor the wedding party was staying on. I was right about the growing crowd outside of the hotel. There looked to be a mob forming. "Just Great," I said under my breath.

I grabbed my phone and wallet and slid on my old shoes. I moved towards the door and opened it just a crack. I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief as I saw the hallway was completely empty. I wasn't ready to confront my old "friends" yet. Soon enough I was down the elevator and making my way to the lobby. I strode towards the front desk, frowning as I saw the same old crone behind the counter.

"Hello miss, I was just wondering if the hotel had a back entrance I could use, you know to avoid the chaos?" I again flashed my award-winning smile and gestured towards the madness outside the front doors.

"No, I don't know what you mean" She spat. Literally spraying me as she pronounced the words. I resisted the urge to say deliver the news and not the weather, but I could tell that it would not be well received.

"I'm not sure what I've done to make you upset, but..." I began to reason with the woman.

"You are a disgrace to your family, the music industry and the country itself, and I don't help disgraces." She pulled her glasses off of her face and stood face to face with me.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I countered.

"Of course, you don't. All of you are the same. You cheated on a wonderful girl, you endangered your sister's sobriety and You nearly tore your family apart. You are nothing but a pitiful Fuckgirl!" She shouted, poking her finger at my chest. Her face turned red and then decidedly purple color from lack of Oxygen. Had she not been touching me I would have found the entire ordeal to be hilarious.

"First of all, don't touch me" I gently removed her finger from my chest. She was lucky she didn't lose it altogether.

"Secondly, you have no clue what happened between my family and me. Thirdly, none of that is any of your business. And finally, you have no right to use any real or perceived impressions of me in this situation. I could report you to the corporate office and have you fired." I was tired of this game. It didn't matter what she thought I was a paying customer, and she had no right.

"I have no clue. I have a sixteen-year-old granddaughter. I got the whole play by play. I dare you to talk to the corporate office. If you get me fired, then there is no clause to protect you." She replied in a snippy tone. I resisted the urge to scream at this woman.

I bit my tongue and turned on my heel, heading towards the spinning gold doors. I didn't have time to deal with this asshat.

I slid on my aviators and stepped out into the madness. The heat of the day was magnified by the crowd. I stuck close to the wall, skirting around the massive, waiting mob. It was strange. Usually, the crowd would begin screaming when they saw me enter. Camera flashes would blind me and they would pack tighter together, as though they wanted to trap me in. It was refreshing to make it through unscathed. I knew that the next time I saw them it would be a very different story.

It made me smile. My disguise was good enough to make it past the fans, but it didn't make it 5 seconds with my sister. I found it amazing that she could still see through me, even after a year of being apart. I suppose it was better than I wasn't going to try and hide. They would have seen through me anyway. It would be refreshing to see a face I recognized in the mirror again.

It was a short walk to my typical barbershop. It was a small building tucked in-between two of the most popular boutiques in LA. I had been going there since I had moved to California, so I had faith they wouldn't blow my cover.

I pushed open the door and was greeted with a little bell, black and white striped tiles and a blast of cool air. Stepping into the shop was like stepping back into time. Nothing had changed over the ten years I had been coming here. There was a short man, with grey hair and a kind smile standing behind the counter.

"Hello, welcome to Marcos. How can we be of assistance?" He asked in a thick Italian accent.

"Hey Marco, you remember me right? Your favorite girl without the band." I joke with him. The first time I had come into his shop he made the comment that the hair cut I choose made me look like a member of a tween boyband. I had casually told him that I wrote music, but I wasn't in the band. He had the jokingly commented "alright Ms. girl without the band" and instructed me on a different haircut. The nickname had been stuck with me since.

"Ah Ms. Lovato, I was worried for you. The papers said that you disappeared." Marco made his way around the counter and approached me.

"I didn't disappear, I just took a really long siesta. But I'm back now and in despite need of a haircut" I kept my tone light and flashed him a smile.

"A siesta, how wonderful. I'm glad to hear that you caught up on some of the sleep you missed." He guided me to one of the many barber chairs in the small shop.

"I can see your need for a haircut. A shave as well?" He began to walk around me and inspect the damage I had inflicted on my head.

"That would be nice. I have to look nice, my sister is getting married tomorrow." He smiled and nodded, moving towards his equipment.

"The usual cut?" He laid the black cloth over me and began to pick his tools.

"Yep. Just the usual" I smiled at him in the mirror and received a nod in return.

"So which sister is getting married?" He began to do his job, snipping and trimming the sun damaged hair from my head.

"The oldest, Dallas" I replied.

"To the short one" He smiled fondly. I had introduced all of my siblings to Marco, and now they wouldn't get a haircut anywhere else. I hummed in agreement. As each piece of hair fell, I avoided looking in the mirror, afraid of what I would see.

"I must ask, what did you do to get this much bleaching in your hair. Did you have a fight with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide?" He chuckled. I knew he wasn't prying for the sake of prying. He had been perfecting my hair for years. During award season, I used to visit him once a week and even offered to higher him as my full-time stylist. By the time I left, he had it trained to fall perfectly every time, so not even the California heat could screw it up. Seeing the neglect must have been hard for him.

"I spent most of the summer on a beach," I said casually.

"Most of the summer? To do this much damage, you would have had to live on that beach and never wash the salt out of your head." He sounded slightly heartbroken at the state of my head and pushed for a more complete story.

"I camped on a beach in Key West from May 1st to August 20th." I gave him the answer he wanted and saw the frown in the mirror. We both knew that he had his work cut out for him.

"I might have to take more off the top to fix the damage." He mumbled and I gave him a slight nod. In about fifteen minutes my hair was back to the way it was before I had left. He rocked my chair back so he could wash and condition my hair. It was easier to relax like this. He would work his magic and I didn't have to worry about conversation. The chair was brought back into the sitting position and Marco began the final step of applying gel and drying my hair. When he was finished, I finally gained the courage to look in the mirror and see his work.

I looked like me again, but not the me that had left. I was leaner and my jaw was more defined than it had ever been before. I didn't look like a teenager pretending to be an adult; I was an adult.

I stood up and nodded my thanks to Marco, slipping him a 100-dollar bill, and walking out the door. I placed my aviators back on and started to walk back to the hotel. Maybe if I walked around the back, I could find the kitchen entrance. I had my key card, so it should work.

I was brought out of my thoughts by my phone blaring single ladies and buzzing out of control. I groaned and turned down a small ally. That wasn't a good ring, it was the ring I had my manager, Lexa, set to.

Lexa was one of the few people I had accepted calls from on the break. She was keeping me updated on my career while I was gone. See there were three sides to my team. The singer side that was run by Kara. They handled all of the records, releases and live shows. The publicity side run by Lexa's wife Clarke. They handled all of the media and appearances. And finally, there was the business side, run by Lena. I had bought out one of the partners for Sony records and acted as a talent's agent for the company. It gave me the power to sign artists I thought would do well.

Lexa was the manager of the managers of all three branches. I should probably answer the call, but I wasn't in the mood to handle some business catastrophe. The last time she had called a certain singer wanted out of the five-piece group he was signed to. The only reason they had called me was that my signature was on all of the paperwork and they needed to know which side I supported.

I had burned another bridge and created another enemy by backing the four-piece instead of falling for a petty argument. All I needed right now was another train wreck, I had my hands full with my own.

The song restarted, so I knew that she was now calling me repeatedly. I sighed, it must be important.

"Y/initials Speaking," I said into the phone

"Hey Y/N, you sound thrilled to talk to me," She said sarcastically.

"The last time you called me I had to decide on the train wreck of the century" I answered with even more sarcasm.

"That train wreck is nothing compared to the bombshell I'm about to drop on you. Some girl is posting all over twitter that you are in LA, staying at the Ritz on the third floor with the rest of the wedding party, and the fans are freaking out" Clarke listed off. They must have me on speaker.

"Oh Fuck" was the only response I could muster. There were only three people who could have released the info, Dallas, no way, Ally, no way in hell, or the grandma from hell. It was like a light switch being flicked on.

"That motherfucker. Just because she's a miserable old hag doesn't mean she has the right to make everyone around her miserable. She gets her grandkid to leak my room, just because she thinks she knows about something she doesn't. what a..." My rant was cut off by Lexa.

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you in LA?" Lexa fired off. "You know that you need to inform Clarke about where you are in case something leaks. Are you trying..."? She got cut off by Clarks soothing "babe chill".

"You two don't leave the office, I'm two blocks away and will be there in like ten minutes." I didn't even wait for the sound of agreement before I hung up, began to make my way down the street.

I was out for blood. First, I was going to have the tweet taken down, and the account blocked, then I would be making a few phone calls to some CEOs who would be very understanding if they wanted to keep my business. By the time I reached the Your/Initials Enterprises building, I was fuming.

The lobby was as extravagant as any of the other buildings in LA. It was all wood and marble, with comfy couches for people to wait and a custom shark tank just behind the receptionist. I pulled off my aviators and began to storm towards the elevators. I had no intention of talking to the receptionist, I owned the building. However, the lady behind the counter was having none of it.

"Excuse me sir, but you can't do that. If you have an appointment, I would be more than happy to assist you!" She stood from behind the desk and stood directly in front of me, blocking my path to the elevator. She was rude and addressed me as though she was reprimanding a child. Which was not alright, unlike when Ally or Dallas did it. She was tall, with blond hair and couldn't have been older than 25. A part of me felt sorry for the treatment she was about to receive, but no one got to talk to me like I was some unruly kid.

"Actually, I don't have an appointment, but Lexa is expecting me, so if you'll excuse me," I answered in a mocking tone and skirted around her. I wasn't in the mood to play games. Just as I took my next step, I felt a hand grasp my wrist, spinning me around.

"I doubt that. She's currently with her wife, working out an issue for Ms. Lovato?" She smirked. What was it with people being rude and touching me. I hated being touched. I no longer felt bad for the verbal lashing the young girl in front of me was about to receive. She had caught me at the wrong time and went about this entire encounter in the wrong manner. She was lucky if I didn't have her fired for this. Imagine if it had been one of the many businessmen instead of me. She could have cost us valuable business, plus she was pissing me off.

"I know. I just got off the phone with her so..." I trailed off and twisted my arm away from her grip. I began to resume my course. I wasn't going to waste time.

"If you take another step I'm going to call security." She threatened in a shrill tone. "The CEO doesn't like to be disturbed during the day unless it's her wife." She continued with confidence, reaching out to physically restrain me again. So young and so dumb.

"I wish you would call security because clearly, you are incompetent. Lexa is the VP, not the CEO. The CEO's name is on the building, and that name happens to be mine, so if you will kindly leave me alone." I spun on my heel to face her. I was aggravated with this girl.

"You're Y/N Y/Middle Initial? yeah and I'm Demi. Y/N left over a year ago, and he's not coming back. I don't appreciate that tone either." She was getting snippier by the moment. I grabbed my wallet out of my back pocket and shoved it towards her.

"Tell me I'm not Y/N now?" I lightened up my tone. As soon as she saw my driver's license her face turned white.

"M Ms. Lovato I, I'm s so" she began.

"Save it. Next time ask for the client's name before you go off on them." I grabbed my wallet and stuffed it in my pocket as I returned to the elevator. The ride to the top was longer then I remembered. It felt like forever before the golden doors opened and I stepped into the penthouse office. The last time I was here it was only hours before I left. In that moment, I hadn't been planning on returning.

_ Memory _

_The air in the elevator felt heavier than it ever had. Even the poppy tune in the background did nothing to improve my mood. The gold doors opened to reveal a large team of anxious people sat around the solid oak table. I had sent them the simple text not even half an hour ago. It had read "SOS. Meeting in the penthouse 30min."_

_Every head snapped in my direction as I took the first step into the overly luxurious room._

_"Y/N" Lexa began. She stood from her chair and began to make her way to me. Her frown deepened with every step she took._

_"We got your text, and the Fifth Harmony publicist sent over some disclosure contract they want you to sign. Will you please tell us what's going on?" she approached and placed a soft hand on my shoulder and began to lead me toward the head of the table._

_"Lauren Left," I mumbled. My voice didn't sound like my own. It was deeper and huskier than it had ever been._

_"What do you mean she left" My blond publicist called from the table, also standing. The two had been with me from the beginning._

_I shrugged matter of factly. I didn't want to talk about that part. They didn't need to know the details yet._

_"Before or after you gave her the...?" Clarke's blue eyes met my own._

_"Before... after. I don't really know. It's all kind of a blur" were the only mumbled word that came out of my mouth. I sat in my typical seat and allowed my head to fall forward onto the table. I built a wall with my hands attempting to keep all of the questions out. I didn't want to deal with this, but I had to._

_"The agreement says that they will be able to place the blame on you for the breakup" Clark's voice cut through my inner monologues. Did I want to take the blame? In the end, I guess it was my fault. I just didn't love her good enough._

_"What are we going to do?" Lexa's resounded. That was a good question. What did I want to do? I could release the story and tell everyone why we really broke up. I could destroy Fifth Harmony's and my sister's reputations in a matter of minutes. I had the power, but could I actually do that? The Lovotics were ruthless. They knew how to tear someone to pieces. If I told them, Fifth Harmony would probably be done. Could I justify destroying the careers of four other girls for the action of one? I had spent my life protecting them, could I simply make a choice and destroy them? No. Even if they didn't want me, I would give them this. I would continue to protect them._

_"Did Demi sign too? "I spoke into the table. I picked my head up and faced the confused looks of the team that had backed me my entire career. Clark briefly looked down at what I assumed to be the contract._

_The quiet "Yes" put an end to the murmuring from the rest of the table. We had worked together for our entire careers, and now everything was going to go up in flames._

_"Pass it to me, I'm gonna sign it. It's what they want." I said solemnly. My love and my closest confidant had teamed up, and if this was what they wanted and needed I would do it._

_"You know it's possible that Lauren doesn't even know what that contract says" Lena sounded from her place at the table. Her addition to my team had been one of the best choices I had ever made. She was shrewd and smart like a whip. She knew the business inside and out._

_"Even if she doesn't, it'll be better anyway. It'll protect her and the girls" I started._

_"and ruin your reputation in the process?" Clarke interrupted me. She looked livid, but not at me._

_"I need to leave. I need..." I trailed off. I had planned this months ago. Everything had become too much. I no longer felt the passion I had once felt for music. It was now just a draining obligation. I had faced the worst case of writer's block ever had, and no one cared. They just wanted the new songs. I needed to remember why I loved music, to begin with. I had planned a break to rediscover my passion. This was the perfect Segway._

_"where will you go?" Lexa sounded concerned. She wasn't just my manager, she was one of my closest friends. I simply shrugged in response._

_"We have a plan now. You're in charge, call me if there are any major train wrecks." I gave the people at the table who were so much more than my employees a small smile and stood. As the elevator doors closed I felt a sense of sadness. I was unsure of if or when I would ever be back in this building. I knew that as I exited, I left everything I had known behind too. This was my new start._

"Y/N, you came" shocked voices call from behind the large oak desk.

"I told you I would be here in ten" I looked at my phone and I had indeed only taken 10 minutes to get into her office. I strode over to one of the desk chairs opposite the desk and sat down heavily, kicking my feet up onto the wood.

Lexa huffed and removed my converse from her desk.

"we didn't think you would just waltz into my office." Clarke Sighed.

"We need to nip this rumor before it goes too far," I stated bluntly. Lexa and Clarke nodded their head in agreement.

"How do you want to handle this. Do you want me to simply squash the tweet or do you want to do something slightly more dramatic?" Clarke listed out the options of attack.

"Squash the tweet. Make it seem like another outrageous, impossible sighting due to the surrounding rumors that I'm going to appear at Dallas' wedding." I rattled off to my blond publicist.

"Lexa please also make sure that the grouchy front desk lady is fired. She has a serious attitude problem." I gave my instructions, and Lexa scribbled the notes onto her legal pad.

"Are you going to make a comeback?" She looked up at me. I paused. Was I going to come back? I had enough material for multiple albums, but could I handle the pressure? I looked back to Lexa and nodded.

"I'll have Kara schedule you some studio time next week" she continued to scribble notes for the other members of the team.

"I'm planning on attending the wedding," I said as an afterthought looking directly at Clarke's wide eyes, already walking towards the elevator. They both froze.

"As you", she sounded completely shocked.

"Yes, as me." I nodded. A huge smile broke out on her face.

"We'll see you there. Try not to get into too much trouble before then." She pleaded as she followed me to the elevator. "we want to actually enjoy the night, not have to clean up after you" I laughed and smiled.

I shouted a "No promises" as the golden doors closed and I began my descent back into the real world. What had I gotten myself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally catch a glimpse of one of the girls in this chapter. The next chapter has all of the girls and a little more about Y/N's past. Till Next time...
> 
> A.J.


	6. Chapter 5: Too Many Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, long time no update. We get to see a little of the past in this chapter, with a quick snippet of Lauren at the end. I think the next chapter will be pretty Lauren- Centric with a focus on the Pre-breakup relationship, but I haven't written it, so IDK. It could take a completely different turn, as many other things have in the past. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

** Chapter 5 **

 

Y/N POV

            I took another sip of my drink and turned towards the brown-eyed beauty sitting next to me. She had been a part of my family for as long as I could remember. I wasn’t as close to her as I was to Dallas and Demi, but it was pretty dam close. She was the one who could reason with my elder sister when she was being difficult. The one who could comfort her when she refused everyone else. The one who Demi allowed to see all of her. She was Demi’s Lauren and she had been since the two were kids.

 I had hated her at first. I felt as though she was barging into my life and stealing away my sister. I hadn’t reacted well when they had announced that they were dating. I had blatantly refused to acknowledge their relationship for the longest time, but the lady sitting next to me had never been deterred. Unlike Demi’s other significant others, she was determined to make me like her, and she had been the one to convince me that their relationship wouldn’t detract from my own with my sisters. She had also been the one to convince Demi of the same when my relationship had started.

Her argument had been fool-proof. She had said that having two people on the same side would give Demi double protection, and at that point I had been inclined to believe her. The truth was that it would change our relationship. We were still incredibly close, but I was no longer the one who could help her through her nightmares. I was no longer the one who could help her stay sober. I was just the little sister who occasionally helped her write music. Sure, we still spent tremendous amounts of time laughing and being around each other, but the nature of our relationship changed. She had found her new person, just as I had found mine.

I couldn’t place the blame entirely on Selena, as I now understood what it was like to give every part of yourself to someone else and pray that they didn’t shatter you. They weren’t obligated to love you, but they did. That was so much more powerful than anything I had ever experienced. We weren’t the only thing each other had anymore, and it was nice to be able to rely on other people. At least until it blew up in my face.

I never imagined that the people I loved would go behind my back. I never imagined that they would plan to rip me apart to make a few million. I guess I just never thought.

“I’m sure your liver agrees with you that drinking was a great decision” Selena smirked back at me, also taking a sip of her old fashion.

            “My brain’s thanks are more powerful than anything my liver could possibly say” I murmured, finishing my drink and setting my glass back on the bar, running my finger around the rim. I felt Selena sigh from beside me.

            “I thought we had worked through using alcohol as a memory suppressant” She sounded disappointed. I didn’t like disappointing my family, and it seemed that that was all I could do lately.

            “ _WE_ didn’t work on anything” I sassed, continuing to stare at my glass. It was kind of a low blow, and she didn’t entirely deserve it, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. A deep dark part of me wanted to hurt her as much as they had hurt me because I knew that that would affect Demi more than anything else, I could do. I was longing to revert back to my self-absorbed jackassy tendencies, I had adopted as a protection mechanism, but the better part of myself always seemed to win out. I didn’t think that Selena deserved my ire, and I wasn’t so vengeful that I wanted to hurt innocent people for actions that were not their own. Actually, I didn’t want to hurt anyone at all. I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted anymore, but I knew it wasn't revenge.

            “There’s the sass that I was expecting. I was beginning to think that the rumors weren’t true.” The woman beside me smiled, and I allowed a brief smile to grace my face as well. We had been playing this game for as long as I could remember. She knew I wouldn’t be able to resist taking the bate, and the more she got me to talk, the more of a chance she had to answer her burning questions.

            “Rumors?” I smirked back, allowing myself to give in to her tactics I knew that I would probably regret it later, but it felt nice to slip back into old routines.

            “A little birdy told me that you had gotten even more cheeky being in the wild on your own.” She leaned closer to me, seemingly pleased with herself.

            “Would that birdy be a little swiftlet?” I leaned back in my seat, laughing slightly. Taylor had been one of the only people I had interacted with in the past year, and though I had faith that she wouldn’t spill all my secrets; I also knew that she was giving them updates on how I was doing. There was a mutual understanding between the two of us that leaking information on my wellbeing was not a betrayal of trust, in fact, it was more than welcome.

            “The rare Swiftlet is very open about your emotional state but becomes very tight-lipped about how you came to be that way.” Selena’s smirk only continued to grow.

            “Loose lips sink ships all the dam time.” I raised my eyebrows and took another sip of my drink. It was one of my favorite lyrics of all time because of the double meaning. The moment anyone found out about anything, it got completely ruined. Especially relationships. For a long time, I believed that Lauren and I would beat the stigma, but in the end, I was proven very wrong.

            “But not this time Huh?” The smile faded off of her face, as she realized that I wasn’t going to comment further. I nodded at her, confirming that I was done talking.

            “The why is insignificant. There’s nothing that can change what happened, so it doesn’t make sense to air it out for everyone to see. All that matters is the what because that is what we are living in. Its future hasn’t been decided yet.” I said calmly. I had never fond of discussing the past, even before everything had happened. Talking about it over and over didn’t change what had happened, and only made it seem like you could never overcome those things. I only allowed myself to wallow in those memories when I sang. I would allow myself to be vulnerable in my music, it was easier for me.

            “Then why throw all that progress away and start drinking again.” The tone of the conversation took a serious turn. I blinked at her words. It was too complicated to explain. I hadn’t started drinking until after her with another person. I hadn’t been able to shake the image of her leaning into him, of her giggling as he whispered in her ear, of her smile being so much wider than it had ever been with me. The image of her makeup running down her face during our last conversation would always appear to mock me, contrasting with the gleam in her eyes when she was with him. I learned the hard way that seeing her moving on was so much worse than knowing that it was bound to happen.

            “There are more memories now, and they are very different from the ones I had when I was younger,” I said confidently, pushing my glass forward on the bar, laying down a $100 and turning to leave. I didn’t want to deal with this. I didn’t want to deal with her. I didn’t want to know if she knew what Demi had done. I Just didn’t want to be here any longer.

            “You can’t keep running away Y/N” She didn’t raise her voice, but I could hear the exasperation. She was right, I had done enough running for the time being.

            “From my perspective, I can do whatever the fuck I want to,” I said coldly. I had gone through so much of my life feeling like I owed them everything. I was always bending over backward to accommodate everyone else. I didn’t mind because I had always felt that the feelings were mutual. I no longer felt that way. I owed Dallas and Ally, and maybe Madison, but Demi had done something unforgivable. Frankly, Demi and Lauren had done it together. I wasn’t angry, but it was easier to portray rage and hatred than it was to let them back in again. Dallas had already seen me vulnerable, but I wouldn’t make the same mistake with Selena.

            “look Y/Nick/N I know you’re mad. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but Demi is sorry. She’s scared that she’s going to lose you, and after the hole in our wall I can only guess what happened.” She sounded desperate as she came up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I allowed myself a brief sigh of relief that my favorite swiftlet had kept our confidentiality agreement.  I brushed her hand off and turned to look at her.

            “She did lose me, and you can tell her that.” I kept my tone cold, but even. She didn’t have the right to see me deal with all of my conflicting emotions. I could still hear Demi’s words in my head. I could still feel her hands impact with my face, and I could still see the way she looked at me as though I was the lowest being on the planet.  

 

_Memory (Trigger warning, kind of. Brief mention of abuse and drug use)_

_“So you knew. You knew the whole time didn’t you.” I said, my voice laced with venom, the glass held firmly in my hand. I was afraid to take it off the table and take a sip because I was unsure what would happen if I did. I wasn’t just angry, I was hurt and confused. Demi was my closest confidant, and she had completely betrayed me._

_“I’m Sorry Y/N. I don’t know what you want me to do. I already signed it. Sometimes it’s not about you.” Demi replied with equal venom. The next thing I knew I was standing, the glass flying out of my hand towards my sister, shattering on the wall behind her, the lamp sitting on the side table soon following it. My fist pushed towards the glass table below me, smashing it as well._

_“It’s not about being about me. It’s about being a shitty person Demi. YOU LET ME BUY the ring, and you knew it was all fake. You are a complete bitch. What kind of fucking person does that.” I yelled, shaking uncontrollably._

_“I did what was best for me, you don’t get to be selfish.” She yelled back with equal volume._

_“I’m the one being selfish. You ruin the best thing in my life, and I’m being fucking selfish because I'm upset about it. You have Zero room to talk. You are a selfish bitch. You didn’t care about anyone but yourself when you were snorting coke every half hour. You didn’t care about anyone else when you were getting trashed every night. You didn’t…” My head was suddenly turned to the side, with a force unlike any other, cutting me off mid-sentence._

_“You’re just like him, you know. Selfish and manipulative. I did it because it’s what’s best for me and for her.” Her voice was cold, not the one she usually addressed me with._

_“Yeah, until everyone finds out what really happened right? Then both you and she will be tanked. But I’m just that selfish right.” I glared at the ground beside her feet._

_“That would be unforgivable Y/N. You would ruin 6 people’s careers over hurt feelings, how pathetic. But you have always been pathetic haven’t you. Poor Y/N always taking the fall for everyone else. Poor Y/n too weak to deny the advances of our father. Poor Y/N she has a penis so no one will love her. Please Y/N, you can’t pity your way out of the decision that makes the most sense.” She said mockingly._

_“No Demi, this is unforgivable.” I looked at her. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. None of this made sense. We never fought like this._

_“I don’t want your forgiveness. You are not my family Y/N. You lost that right.” Demi stared straight back at me._

_“I have done nothing but love and support you. Both of you. You asked me to stay, even when you were getting high all the time, because you didn’t feel safe without me, and I did. You asked me not to fight mom about going to rehab, and I didn’t. You asked me to go on a world tour with you, and I did. She asked me to let her go, so I did. I have given you both all of me, and pity had nothing to do with that” I said in a whisper. My life was falling apart before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do to stop it._

_“I want you to let me go too. Leave and don’t come back. I don’t want you here. I don’t need someone who’s needy and a mess. I don’t need something else here to compromise my sobriety” There was no softness. I nodded. There was no point in arguing with her or finishing this. It didn’t matter that I had been sober longer than she had. It didn’t matter that our relationship was destroyed. This was what she wanted, and I had made my promise many years ago._

_“I’ll get out of your hair then.” I was quiet as I made my way to the door, taking only one last look at the woman who had become a stranger to me._

            “You don’t mean that” She sounded close to tears.

            “I’m not here to fix something that isn’t fixable. I’m here to support my sister as she gets married and then disappear into the night. Dallas doesn’t deserve to have her wedding turned into a family feud, and I refuse to let it happen. I am an adult, and You don’t get to tell me what I mean.” I said with finality, walking away from a tearful Selena towards the lobby. Hopefully, I would be able to make it to my room before anyone saw me break down.

           

 

Demi POV

            “You’re hiding something from me,” I said as I checked myself in the mirror, smoothing out my dress, and making eye contact with Dallas through the mirror. She rolled her eyes in response. We had been over this a million times since the day that Y/N left.

            “I’m really not, and it’s not like you’re not hiding things from me.” She responded snarkily.

            “And what am I hiding from you?” I snarked back. Two could play in that game. Frankly, I was tired of people continuously bringing up the situation between me and Y/N. I get it, they wanted to know what happened, but I wasn’t sure if I would ever be ready to share that story. I had betrayed her, and she had completely flipped out. I had gone out of my way to provoke her, and I had gotten the response that everyone wanted. They said they would get a better album, and instead, they got a year and a half long break, and a very expensive bill to fix my house.

            ‘You won’t tell anyone what happened between you and Y/n. You won’t tell anyone how you got the little black book, and you won’t tell anyone why you ended up with new furniture in your living room. You promised not to lie to us anymore, and you keep going back on that promise.” Dallas sneered, standing to face me.

            “Y/N and I had a fight. What more do you need to know? We both said things that I’m sure we regret. My lamp and table got smashed in the process, and my white furniture wasn’t white by the end of it. I really don’t know how the black book ended up in my dressing room. I wish I did know, because I would have gone to find her, to make this right. There’s nothing that I haven’t told you, or anyone else.” I shouted back at her. I had tried to be as honest as possible with them, but I was ashamed of the situation. I had been the one to break Y/N. Lauren may have broken her heart, but I had broken her soul. That was obvious in the words written in the book that had appeared in my dressing room.

 

_ Memory (Y/N POV) _

            _I held the ticket so tightly in my hand that the edges were beginning to dig into my palm, the little book sat heavily in my back pocket, the lanyard that was stuffed in with it felt like a noose rather than a symbol of prestige. I pulled my sweatshirt closer to my body as I trudged towards the entrance of the stadium. This would be my third attempt at delivering my book to one person’s hands that were more skilled than my own. She would understand my struggle and do the song justice. On my first attempt, I hadn’t even gotten in view of the door. On my second I had made it into the stadium, but not to my seat. I was determined that I would do what I came to do tonight._

_I had timed my arrival just right this time, Demi was just about to go on, so most of the fans had already taken their seats. I smiled at the lady as she scanned my ticket._

_“You have a great seat, and you got here just in time too, Demi goes on in about 10 minutes” She smiled at me._

_“Thanks” I mumbled back. I just wanted to get in and out without getting recognized, causing a massive riot or seeing my sister. I had chosen seats to the left of the stage, in the front row. It was a ballsey move, but I needed to be able to talk to the backstage security guy. I was praying that it was Max, or Rob or someone that I knew. I didn’t need a newby telling the entire universe that I was here._

_I pulled my old pass out as I made my way towards the stage, casually slipped it around my neck, praying that the small card wouldn’t draw the attention of the crowd around me. I held my breath as the opening to Demi’s show started, waiting for her to appear on stage. If anyone deserved the cheer of the crowd it was her. If anyone could finish my music, it was her. We weren’t speaking, and if I was honest, I missed her. A part of me wished that this was a fanfiction, where she would see me in the crowd and suddenly everything would be ok. But this wasn’t a fanfiction and I knew that everything would probably never be ok between us again._

_“You guys are amazing, so tonight I thought we would do something a little special.” She said into the mic, smiling widely as she adjusted her guitar strap. She glanced down at the neck of the guitar and the very familiar tune began to play. I knew that if I was planning on making my move, I had to do it now. I made my way over towards the backstage entrance, flashing my badge and trying to tune out the Pre-chorus of shouldn’t come back. It was ironic that this would be the surprise song she chose to play tonight. Or maybe it wasn’t ironic at all. Maybe the universe was sending me a message. I wouldn’t come back after this. I wouldn’t interfere in their lives after this. I would let them go and be happy._

_Finding Demi’s dressing room was easier than I had thought, so was dodging everyone in the halls. I slipped inside just as the song was coming to the end, the crowd still incredible loud through the thick walls of the stadium. Her room was set up just as it always had been. The brown couch against one wall, and the makeup station taking up the other. I didn’t know if I expected something to feel out of place in my absence, but it didn’t. Instead, I was the one out of place. The one thing that didn’t. I sighed, pulling the little black book out of my back pocket, placing it on the familiar brown couch. It would be the only sign that I had ever been here, the only thing out of place, and then I would be gone again without a trace._

_ DEMI POV(still memory) _

_“They were amazing tonight” I smiled widely to Kelsey and Marissa as I stepped off stage. The Miami Crowd was always loud, but tonight they had been even louder than normal. I didn’t typically sing shouldn’t come back, but I had felt it was only fitting considering how amazing they were. Now, all I wanted to do was head back to my dressing room and take a shower._

_“Ms. Lovato your guest should be waiting for you in your dressing room. She came backstage during the second set.” One of the stadium's security personnel told me. I stopped dead in my tracks._

_“What guest” I stared at the man, confused._

_“She didn’t give a name, but she had a pass like the ones that fifth harmony had last night.” The guard quickly explained, his eyes widening, fearing he had made a grave mistake._

_“What did she look like” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I couldn’t help the small amount of excitement I felt._

_“about your height, blueish eyes, brown hair.” The man rattled off. Marissa and Kelsey gasped behind me. I thanked the man and rushed off towards my dressing room, praying that Y/N was waiting for me. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open, only to find an empty room. I sighed, moving to sit down on the couch when something caught my eye. There was a small black book placed just so on the arm of my couch, the only indication that she had been here at all. How could she appear and disappear so easily?_

_I carefully picked up the book that held so much of Y/N’s life for so long, flipping open the worn cover. Carefully removeing the small note just inside the cover._

_Dear Demi,_

_First and foremost, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all that you believe I’ve done. I’m sorry that I can only seem to think about myself. I’m sorry for everything I’ve said, and I’m sorry for how our last conversation ended. If anyone knows that a sorry doesn’t actually fix anything it’s me, but I thought that it should be said. We’ve been through a lot together, and I’m unsure of how we got to this point. We were inseparable. We always said that it was you and me against the world. We were going to sing for millions of people, and we did, you did. I’m so proud of what you’ve accomplished in my absence._

_I always wanted you to find happiness, and I’m glad that you were able to, even if it was because I left. Here I go again talking about myself. I can’t seem to stop doing that. You were right. I am selfish, and I don’t deserve you or Lauren. I’m so sorry that it took me so long to figure that out. You both deserve the world, and if me being gone is what it takes for you to get that, then that’s what I’ll do._

_This book contains some of my deepest, darkest thoughts, most of which are completely unfinished. I know that I will never be able to finish any of them, and much like you, they deserve more than that, more than what I can give them. If anyone could give them the closure they deserve it’s you._

_I’m not coming back, and I didn’t give this to you to make you feel guilty. In truth, this would have probably happened anyway. I was going to take a break after I proposed. I just hoped that my break would include the people I loved. I hope that the contents of this book serve you well._

_I love you and I hope that one day you can forgive me._

_Your sister,_

_Y/N_

_ End of memory _

 

            “Dallas, I don’t know what you want me to tell you,” I whispered, sitting heavily on the bed. “I don’t know how to fix this” I mumbled. This was a complete and total mess.

            “I don’t think we can fix this Dems.” Dallas also sighed, sitting next to me. We had been at each other throats since the whole thing came out, but we both very much wanted the same outcome. Y/N had always been so concerned with everyone else’s happiness that she totally discounted her own. I never knew how bad it was until I read that book. The pages were covered in black ink. Each crossed out line was like a knife in my heart. We knew that she was having trouble, but we never thought to check on her. Instead, we were coerced to believe that pushing her over the edge would help her get over the writing slump she was in.

            We were wrong.

            All pushing our had done was shatter her, at the moment where everything was supposed to be at its happiest. I had chosen my career over my own sister, just as Y/N had chosen Lauren and I’s careers over her happiness. We had been prepared for war. We had suspected that she would release an entire album full of sad and angry music. From the book, I knew that that wouldn’t have been the case anyway. The pages held the emotions of a broken human being. It was a climax with no resolution. I guess that the resolution Y/N chose was to completely eliminate herself from the picture.

            Matters had only gotten worse when management decided that the best way to provoke a reaction was to set us both up on a date. They figured Y/N would see the news and suddenly decided a revenge album was the answer. How very wrong they were.  Instead, a little book had been left in my dressing room with words that would break me as much as our actions had broken her. Together we had been sober for just under 7 years, but from what I read, it wasn’t that way anymore.

 

Lauren POV

            “Dam Lauser, you look hella fine.” Dinah’s Loud, booming voice called through the suite as I smoothed out my red dress in the mirror.

            “Careful DJ, if you keep your mouth open like that you might catch flies,” I smirked back at her through the mirror.

            “Yeah and Mani might get Jealous” Camila pipped up from her spot in the corner with Ally. They had been huddled together, whispering conspiratorially since we had gotten back. I couldn’t shake the feeling that they knew something I didn’t. They kept sending worried glances my way and I was getting pretty tired of it.

            “What about Mani?” Mani appeared in the doorway of the room Dinah and she were sharing.

            “That you would whoop Dinah’s ass if you caught her gawking at Lauren, who dressed to kill.” Ally recited, standing from her place on the bed, smoothing out her blue dress as well.

            “You’re one to talk about dressing to kill Allycat. Dallas will be like all over you tonight.” I turned around, gesturing to one of my closest friends.

            “Yeah, and the best part is that she can’t touch until tomorrow.” Dinah laughed.

            “Behave.” Mani scolded, gently smacking Dinah on the shoulder.

            “Yeah Lolo, who are you trying to impress,” Camz said, standing to join us by the door. I felt my cheeks blush, and I looked down at my feet. I swore that I saw her when we got to the hotel, and then again just before the elevator doors called. She had always loved me in red, and part of me hoped that she wouldn’t be able to resist if I wore her favorite. I had to try, even if I felt it was a long shot. I had only seen her once since the night she left, and even then, I couldn’t be completely sure. I shook my head, and followed the girls out the door, just as Demi and Dallas exited the room across from us. We had all made our choices, and now all we could do was deal with the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the super long time between updates, between finals and studying for the MCAT I haven't really had time to write. I'm really not sure when the next update will be because I don't take the MCAT till mid- June, so it probably won't be Until after that. Leave any comments, Ideas, or questions below. Sorry for any grammar mistakes or otherwise. Stay Beautiful...  
> AJ


	7. Chapter 6: An unwanted Trip Down a Golden Memory Lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long time no update, but it's finally complete, and I actually focused on what I thought i was going to. So the Tux that is described is the one Shawn wore to the met gala in 2019. The hair can be whatever variation of curly you would like, the one I'm picturing in my head is short/medium length on top and shorter on the sides, but again you picture whatever you like. There is mention of smut and touching in all three memories, but no smut actually happens. Anyway, Sorry for any Grammar or spelling stuff. I hope you enjoy.

Lauren POV

            I glanced around the overly fancy restaurant that had been reserved for the wedding party. The tables were set up much like the Met Gala, with dozens of tables holding 8 guests apiece were set tastefully around the room. Seemingly everyone in Hollywood was here to take part in what was slowly becoming a circus. I was somewhat relieved that I had been seated with members of Ally’s side of the wedding party. It meant I didn’t have to face Dallas’ side quite yet, though I felt bad for Demi, as she had to sit through their wrath. This was supposed to be a happy time, however, most of the guests seemed completely preoccupied with a certain superstar that had mysteriously disappeared.

            Demi had taken the brunt of the questions tonight, ducking and dodging them with expertise. It felt like we were in a boxing match. Always being pushed up against the ropes, desperately trying to avoid a knockout. I knew that if She showed up, she would be the one to deliver the knockout blow. She would finally put us, and this entire shit show, out of its misery. Maybe I was waiting for that moment when I could finally get this elephant off of my chest, or maybe I just wanted to stop being asked the same thing over and over. I was surrounded by people I was supposed to love, yet here I was being regulated to memories of the past. Y/N always hated events like this, and I couldn’t blame her. However tonight was different than many events, no one here was initiated in a pissing contest, trying to prove whose dick was the biggest. Tonight, was literally about family and catching up. I could still hear Y/N’s sentiment none the less.

 

_ Memory February 12, 2017(slightly sexual themes, but no Smut) _

__

_My eyes opened to the soft light fluttering through the white curtains of our hotel room, and I sighed and cuddled further into the cocoon of the duvet._

_“Mmm, turn off the Lights” I grumbled and pulled the covers almost over my head. I couldn’t help but smile at the soft chuckle beside me._

_“I’ll just call up the universe and tell it to turn the brightness down.” I could hear the smile in her voice. I pulled the covers down and blinked at the beautiful human to next to me. She was effortlessly handsome, leaning upon her elbow, watching me with a soft smile. The blankets barely covering her toned body, her short curls creating a halo around her head. She was still naked from our activities the night before, and at the moment, I really couldn’t find a reason to complain. I couldn’t help but run my hand through her messy curls. She hummed in response, reminding me of the purr of a kitten. I was honored that she allowed me to see this side of her. She allowed me to see behind the stone walls, behind the sarcasm and behind the persona that was Y/N Lovato. She let me see the real her. The adorable human that was simply Y/Nick/name._

_“Morning my love.” She whispered, leaning down to kiss me._

_“Morning babe. What time is it.” I kissed back. These were the sweet kisses, not the passionate ones we had shared last night. They weren’t hurried or heated, but they conveyed love none the less._

_“Just after 7. We don’t have to be up till 8.” She leaned in again._

_“And how long have you been up” I smiled into the kiss. Y/N had a bad habit of not going to sleep, no matter what we did, or how many times we did it, to tire her out. She leaned back and smiled like a child that had been caught by someone they knew wouldn’t punish them._

_“Not long” She smiled impishly._

_“You need your rest. You’re performing tonight, and you will probably have to make the trek to the stage to accept your awards at least 8 times.” I couldn’t help but lean into her, moving my legs over her hip. I leaned up to kiss her again. Even though I had had her all night, I just couldn’t seem to help myself. It had taken a while for us to become intimate, for her to be comfortable enough to allow contact. For her to trust me enough to let down her walls, but now that we were, we could never seem to keep our hands to ourselves. We were like magnets, always being drawn to each other. The touches didn’t always have to be sexual, but we were constantly touching._

_“Oh, so you think I’m going to tie Michael Jackson’s record for most Grammys won in a night?” She allowed me to lean into her, gently steading my waist as I made my way to straddle her. I loved how she was so careful when she touched me. Even when we weren’t being gentle, I could always feel her love in the way she caressed my body._

_“Actually, I think you’re going to crush it and win the 13 nominations you received.” I leaned down to give her another kiss. She hummed into the kiss._

_“Can I tell you a secret?” She whispered against my lips._

_“You can tell me anything” I whispered back, pecking her lips with each word._

_“I would rather stay here with you than win any awards.” I leaned back to look at her. I wasn’t surprised. Y/N hated being the center of attention unless she was on stage. She didn’t like crowds unless they were singing, and she wasn’t a fan of putting on a show to please rich white men._

_“I would fall from grace just to touch your face.” She continued, moving her hands up and down my back. I couldn’t help but laugh at the overdramatic face she made._

_“Well, if we don’t go, who’s going to accept your record-breaking number of awards, or perform? Think of the fans babe.” I again ran my hand through her unruly curls._

_“I think Demi would more than understand and be willing to be my stand-in.” She mumbled back, leaning into my hands. Her statement was probably true. Demi was just as in love with Selena as Y/N was with me. Selena and I had bonded greatly over the fact that these two completely badasses, tough as nails people turned into mush around us. We got to see the puppies behind the bark._

_“You know she hates the eyes as much as you do.” I smiled down at her._

_“I think the fans would be outraged to know that we feel like zoo exhibits, and the awards are like the peanuts they give elephants to keep them happy.” She commented lowly, moving her hands up my bare back, pulling me down into a kiss once again._

_“On the upside, we’re walking and sitting together this year,” I mumbled against her lips._

_“But I can’t kiss you without your stylist yelling at me about messing up your makeup, and you won’t be able to touch my curls because they’re going to be slicked back and covered in gold paint or something stupid.” She moved her hands back to my hips and sighed frustrated._

_“Yeah, but I get to show you off like a magnificent piece of artwork.” I tried to lean in again, but she moved her head to the side, and I ended up kissing her cheek. I groaned as she flipped our positions._

_“you’re the artwork my darling, and you’ve never looked better.” She allowed her hands to wander, and her eyes softened as she looked down at me._

_“It’ll be fine. You’ll get to see your sister and a bunch of your friends.” I smiled at her and took the opportunity to flip us once again, leaning down kiss her._

_“Don’t start something you aren’t going to finish.” She mumbled against my lips._

_“Who said I wasn’t going to finish” I smirked back at her._

_The alarm broke us out of the moment, and I climbed off of her and began to walk towards the shower._

_“Aren’t you coming” I turned and winked at her over my shoulder. I didn’t wait for a response, but I heard her practically running after me._

_“Not yet, but you will be in a few.” She wrapped her arms around me from behind as I started the water._

_“Speaking of rewards, what’s your number baby” she whispered playfully in my ear._

_“One for every nomination, right?” I said seductively back._

_“So, 15, with yours and mine combined. I’ll have to work fast, but you know I love a challenge.” I couldn’t help but giggle at the faux seductiveness in her voice. She was one of the only I knew people to be completely sexy and hilarious at the same time. It was also amazing how she could go from sweet and loving to revved up and ready to fuck in 2 seconds flat. I loved how even in these moments she made sure I was comfortable and that I felt beautiful. I loved that she cared about me._

_“You’re crazy” I laughed and allowed her to scoot us forward towards the steaming shower._

_“Maybe, but I’m YOUR crazy” she spun me around and pulled me into a deep and needy kiss, and I hummed back, allowing her to guide me into the warm water._

 

_ End of memory _

 

            It was hard not to feel alone when I was seemingly the only one without a significant other to cuddle up to.  We had finally got to a point where we didn’t have to hide who we were in public. Y/N was out for as long as I could remember, and she had been so patient with me while my management had denied us at every turn. She had dodged the media when they got a little too into who the lovey-dovey songs she had written were about. She had dealt with all of the beards and publicity stunts, and we had finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. Just when I thought the roller coaster ride was over, we had been hit with a surprise loop, and everything had completely derailed.

Yet here I was with Demi and Selena subtly cuddled up to each other to my left. Karlie and Taylor were holding hands to my right. Camila and Ariana were whispering conspiratorially to each other at the table across from my own, no doubt talking about the night ahead of them. It was rare that we all got to get together and actually spend time with the people we loved, and after a few drinks, no one was afraid to express their love in the form of disgustingly cute PDA. A year and a half ago I would have been among them, giggling and kissing the girl who had stolen my heart. It felt like it was yesterday.

 

_ Memory _

_“Ok, so the rules are clear, you can hug each other and give small kisses, but absolutely no making out. Laurens Lipstick isn’t waterproof tonight. Lauren, No playing with Y/N’s hair. The paint will get all over your hands, and her hair will go from James Bond to Screech and no one will like that.” Lena, my stylist rattled off. Giving us the rules and Regulations for tonight’s event to both Y/N and I. We neglected to tell her that Y/N’s hand was wandering between my hip and casually squeezing my ass lovingly, and if Lena didn’t notice, there didn’t seem to be a valid reason for telling her now._

_“Also, I’m not giving you an extra lipstick Lauren. That means no sneaking off when Y/N goes backstage tonight to have sex like you did at the VMA’s. This is the Grammy’s, and they’re not as lax on the rules as MTV.” Lena continued, ignoring the looks that Y/N was sending my way. My dress was gold, matching the trim on her black tux, her bow tie, and the paint in her slick backed hair. At least I wasn’t in red, that was the color of my VMA dress, and Y/N’s favorite color on me. She just couldn’t seem to help herself when she saw me in that dress, and I thought it was only fair to reward her after she won 8 Moon Men. Apparently, my stylist would disagree._

_“and Y/N you need to keep your hands in appropriate places,” Clarke added, sending a pointed look at Y/N, who stuck her tongue out at Clarke but moved her hand up to my lower back none the less._

_“You guys are killjoys” Y/N pouted at both Lena and Clarke. Clarke, her publicist, and Kara, my publicist, shared a smirk._

_“Well, in that case, we could have you guys change and have Lauren walk with the rest of the band and have Y/N walk with Demi.” Kara gave us a sickly-sweet smile, and I felt Y/n’s arm tighten around my waist._

_“You guys are mean” She grumbled and sent a glare at the two grinning blonds, bringing her hand up to run through her hair, but not actually making it because of the loud “No” that was screeched at her by Aubrey, her blond stylist. Y/N tilted her head back in a dramatic groan, stomped her foot a little and making a face that would give a two-year-old a run for their money._

_“I can’t kiss my girl, I can’t touch my hair, you guys are killing me.” She pursed her lips together and crossed her arms across her chest. In an attempt to look intimidating. Everyone in the room broke into laughter at Y/N’s childishness. Y/N’s pout only grew, and I leaned up to kiss it off her face. She grinned at me and returned the kiss._

_“Alright, Love Birds it’s time to go.” Lexa came in and began ushering us to the black Escalade. Y/N slid in first, and I Slid in after her, putting on my seat belt and cuddling into her side. She smiled and leaned down to peck my lips again._

_“Watch it you two” Lena gave us a stern glare from the passenger seat after what she felt was a too-long kiss._

_“I don’t know why you don’t just always give her waterproof stuff. We’re always kissing, and you haven’t given us a good reason to stop.” Y/N grumbled but still pulled away from me._

_“Because that’s the lip color both you and Lauren prefer, and it doesn’t come in any other brand.” Lena laughed out, clearly amused by how my badass girlfriend resembled a puppy when she didn’t get her way. Though she couldn’t kiss me, and I couldn’t play with her amazing curls, we still managed to carefully cuddle during our ride to the red carpet._

_“For the record, I think it’s disgustingly sweet that you two can’t keep your hands to yourself, even if I have to design your outfits around that” Lena called from the front seat, just before the car door opened. I quietly thanked her as I exited the car, and was immediately met with high pitched screams, that were nothing in comparison to the ones that came for the person who slid out behind me. She sent a wink to the crowd, before carefully slipping an arm around my lower back, giving me a sense of security and protection._

_She glanced as Lexa and my manager, Alex, as she gently guided me to the photo wall. The clicking of the cameras and yelling of the photographers drowned out the delighted screams of the fans behind them. It was like a wall of sound that seemed to continue growing as we took out place in front of the backdrop to take the infamous pictures. We gave a few smiles in the traditional power couple pose before Y/N leaned down to whisper in my ear,_

_“Feel like a poor zoo animal yet?” She questioned quietly, her lips caressing my ear, and I heard the camera clicks quicken their pace._

_“More like a fish in a bowl” I leaned my head onto her shoulder and returned the favor with a kiss to her ear. She chuckled and gave me a very quick, but sweet peck on the lips._

_“Let’s see what they say about that.” She pulled away, gave me a blinding smile and began directing me away from the cameras and towards the waiting row of interviewers._

_“You just had to give them peanuts right?” I giggled as Lexa and Alex approached us from behind. Y/N just grinned at me like a child who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar._

_“I see you’re going to be living up to all the rumors of PDA” Lexa hummed from behind us, and Y/N just turned to her and smiled._

_“I haven’t gotten to show her off like this before, of course, I’m going to take full advantage of it.” Y/N said proudly._

_“Well try to keep your lips to yourself for the interviews please?” Alex Gave Y/N a playful glare and Y/N rolled her eyes._

_“You knew that there was going to be a shit ton of PDA on our part” Y/N giggled and turned to give me another kiss, simply because she could. I still think Lexa and Alex got the message of ‘of I’ve waited long enough, and I’ll do as I please.’ That Y/N was all too happy to convey. Frankly, I was happy too. I was thrilled to be free from the stupid contract that had caused us both so much pain._

_Y/N had denied how much me being in the closet had truly bothered her, but in moments like this, I could see it. I could see how relieved she was that she could kiss me now and not have to worry about who was watching. I think that was part of the reason why we were always so touchy, feely in public._

_We had been together for 6 years, but we had only been able to come out in the last year. Y/N had been out since she entered the music industry. It was kinda hard to hide her extra little friend, so they hadn’t even bothered trying. I, on the other hand, had been held up by our management, who threatened to disband the band if I so much as whispered about being anything but straight. They had forced all of the girls and me to participate in bearding and publicity stunts. It had been hell for a while there, but we worked through those issues and renegotiated. We were still stuck, but they had much less power over us than they did before. Now that we were out, we were more than happy to show each other off._

_The night flew by like a whirlwind, and before I knew it, we were seated in the theatre, waiting for the award for Album of the Year to be announced. Her performance had gone off without a hitch, and Y/N had already won 12 Grammy’s tonight, but I could feel how much she wanted to win this one. This was the big one. The one that she had been dreaming of since the beginning of the album’s construction. I gently reached my hand down to still Y/N’s shaking leg. It’s bouncing had begun the moment the show went to commercial break. Y/N glanced at me and tried to plaster a reassured smile onto her face, but I could see right through her. I gently brought my hand up to move one of her curls back into it’s slicked back position on her head and allowed my hand to linger under her chin._

_“It’ll be fine babe” I whispered caringly, pulling her into a gentle kiss, careful not to mess up my lipstick._

_“but what if it isn’t.” She pulled back to look at me with worried eyes. It was amazing how different the persona she projected on stage and her actual personality were. I was suddenly grateful for the terrible long commercial break. She would never allow herself to process these emotions if the cameras were on. The wall would go back up and she would pretend to be strong and confident._

_“The fans will still love you even if you don’t win. Demi and Dallas will still love you. Your friends will still love you. The rest of the girls will still love you, and more importantly, I will still love you. You killed your performance and even if you don’t win, we will still go to the after-party and have a great time.” I said reassuringly, stroking her cheek once more, before reaching down to grab her hand instead._

_“You’re the best, you know that?” She said quietly, just as the lights in the theater flashed to let us know we were back on camera. Taylor and Shawn made their way to the stage, carrying the golden envelope in their hands, and Y/N just leaned forward in her seat a confident smirk settling across her face. Just like that, the mask was back on. She gave the camera a wink when her name was called as a nominee. Most wouldn’t catch the deep breath she took, but I could see it clear as day._

_For each of her previous wins we had shared a quick hug and peck on the lips, but this time it was different. Time seemed to freeze when her name was called. Her careful smirk melting into a beaming grin. She stood proudly and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. She whispered a hold on in my ear, dipped me like we were dancing, and pulled me into a searing kiss. It was like something out of a stereotypically sappy romance movie, and I loved every minute of it. She pulled her head back to give me her smile, before righting me on my feet and giving me a cheeky peck on the lips before straightening her bow tie and turning to strut onto the stage._

_I gently whipped my lips, still a little dazed from the kiss, and avoided the glare of my unamused stylist. At least we hadn’t hooked up in the back after her performance, right? There was still the after-party I supposed._

_ End of Memory _

__

            I was broken out of my thoughts by a curly-haired redhead, gently placing a hand on my shoulder.            
            “More champagne miss?” She asked smiling with a wave of her hand, and I smiled back and gave her a slight nod.

            “I bet you’ve gone through an entire year’s worth of that stuff with us around.” I smiled and took the delicate flute filled to the brim with golden fizzy liquid. I glanced around the room and noted that the groups had shifted slightly. Camz was now laughing with Taylor and Karlie. Demi was with Dallas and Ally listening to Eddie joke about something. It seemed that Ariana and Selena had disappeared for the moment. Maybe they went off to find some better drinks, or maybe they went to bed.

            “Actually, I was quite surprised by how little you guys drink. Someone gave me the impression that it would be more” She moved to pick up the other empty flutes at the table, keeping the gentle smile on her face.

            “I’m sure our livers thank us then” I raised my glass to her, before taking a small sip. To be honest, I didn’t care for Champaign, but it seemed more appropriate than anything stronger. The dinner was for discussion and catching up with your friends, the reception was for partying. At least that’s what the music industry had taught me.

            “From what I understand, the thanks of the brain are more powerful than anything a liver could say. Have a good night.” The red-head uttered words that I knew were not her own before she turned to carry her tray back to wherever she had come from. How did she know the saying Y/N had used so much? Did she know Y/N?

 

_ Memory _

 

            _Y/N’s arm tightened around my waist as the crowd pulsed around us. I could feel her deep breaths on my neck as she buried her head further in my hair. Though Y/N was acting as the human shield between myself and the crowd, I was the one directing us through the mass of people. I had always found it funny that the tabloids focused on Y/N’s ability to flirt when the real story was how much Y/N hated being surrounded by people. She would quite literally cling to whatever or whoever she was touching until she was in an open space. It turns out that the Ice Queen who hated contact wanted as much touch as a puppy once you got past that outer shell. Belly Rubs and head scratches also happened to be her favorite._

_“We’re almost there babe” I tilted my head to whisper in her ear, allowing my other to rub where it was rested on the middle of her back. I silently thanked the universe that our audience was comprised of celebrities who were more than amused by the contrast between the fiery Y/N Lovato and the puppy that was melting in my arms. Most of them paid us no mind because it wasn’t a novel secrete the way Y/N and I behaved when away from the eyes of the public. Plus, if any of them thought to share this little tidbit, Clarke and Kara would have no problem shutting it down and letting an even bigger secrete slip. Y/N may have been a puppy, but she was a super puppy with some extraordinary connections and powers. Hence why many of our friends had taken to calling her Krypto._

_I stopped for a moment and glanced around, spotting the bar where most of our friends had begun congregating, sighing in relief that we were only a few steps away from them._

_“Ah, it’s the love birds” A slightly drunk Dinah rushed up to us, throwing her arms around me, effectively knocking me out of Y/N’s hold. Y/N smiled at us and stepped back from us._

_“You want the usual babe?” She nodded towards the bar, and I smiled at her._

_“Yes please,” I said loud enough to be heard over the thumping bass. She gave me another nod and pointed to where Taylor was waving her hands, trying to get her attention._

_“I’ll meet you over there, with your Cosmo.” She stepped forward to give me a very chaste peck on the lips._

_“So now you’re shy. You didn’t seem to have a problem playing tonsil tennis on national television like 20 minutes ago.” Dinah all but screamed in my ear. Y/N cleared her throat and pulled away, heading for the bar, but not before I caught the light pink that was slashed across her freckled cheeks._

_“I said you could get drunk, not turn into an asshat.” Normani appeared beside Dinah, slapping her in the stomach._

_“But that kiss was super steamy” Camila appeared on my other side, nearly making me tip over into a laughing Dinah._

_“And I thought I was the drunk one.” Dinah continued laughing as I brought my hand up to my chest, catching Y/N’s concerned glance, but nodding that I was ok._

_“You are the only one drunk on alcohol here, babe. Lauser, here is drunk In LOVE” Mani joked from her place, wrapping an arm around her clearly intoxicated girlfriend, causing me, Ally who had just walked up and Camila to all laugh._

_“But I have to know, what’s it like to be swept off your feet in front of billions of people?” Camila said dreamily as she wrapped her arm around me._

_“Yeah Laur,, Tell us!” Ally added as they began dragging me towards where their significant others were standing, which wasn’t too far from the corner where Y/N was chatting with Taylor, Selena, Demi and, Karlie. We again caught each other’s eyes and she motioned the bartender over towards her, probably to order my drink._

_“It was kinda amazing…” I answered their question, blushing heavily._

_“What’s with the blush, you didn’t seem to care when we called you out on fucking in the back during the VMAs.” Dinah blurted out, her barley there filter being chipped away by the alcohol._

_“Lena and Aubrey wouldn’t let us kiss and Y/N was pent up from the nerves,” I mumbled quickly._

_“So, she decided to maul you as punishment?” Dinah giggled, and my cheeks turned pink._

_“No, she decided to give our little lolo here a moment that belonged in the notebook!” Camila cheered. I didn’t respond, instead I thanked the bartender as he dropped off my cherry red drink. I glanced over at Y/N again. She raised her glass of dark liquid at me, and I reciprocated the gesture with my own._

_“You guys are disgustingly cute. I mean, who cheers’ each other from across a crowded bar” Dinah said in a faux discussed voice._

_“like you and Mani don’t pull shit like that regularly.” Ally scoffed from beside me._

_“And you do the same with Dallas,” I smirked at the shorter girl._

_“So, we’re all super cute couples. But I never would have guessed that Y/N turns into a literal puppy around you” Ally conceded, returning my smirk._

_“She’s not that much of a puppy, you should see her take down some Paparazzi.” I took a sip of my drink, trying not to laugh._

_“Yeah, and if you told her to lay down and roll over, she would with a happy bark, as long as she got to lick you in thanks.” Dinah laughed loudly._

_“We aren’t into that.” I scrunched up my nose. It was true, we were into some kinky things, but puppy play wasn’t one of them. Y/N was touchy about the things that we did in the bedroom. Maybe we could try it sometime, but I truly doubted it. Y/N hated anything that took away her control, and though she might be the literal definition of a puppy outside of the bedroom, inside she was not._

_“I thought Y/N stopped drinking?” Camila noted from beside me, clearly changing the subject, and sounding extremely confused as she asked._

_“She did,” I said turning to look at my best friend._

_“Well, what’s she got there. Looks like a Cuba Libre to me.” Normani interjected, helping Dinah onto the stool beside me, making an unimpressed face at the placement of her girlfriends’ hands on her waist. The began to wander towards her ass, and boobs respectfully, before Normani slapped them away again. Mumbling something about not being like the Ice Queen and the green-eyed goddess. I guess all the talk about my sex life got Dinah in the mood to experiment with hers._

_“I’m not sure, but I’m more than willing to leave you guys with Mrs. Drunky to find out.” I huffed, standing from my stool and making my way over to my girlfriends, who’s curls were beginning to defy the gel that was used to keep them slicked back._

_“My Liver might thank me for the virginess of this drink, but my brain is super skeptical.” I heard my love say as I wrapped my free arm around her shoulders. She glanced up at me and proceeded to stand, gesturing for me to take her seat. After I did, she stood beside me, bringing her free hand to rub my back._

_“So what kind of virgin are you having tonight?” I smirked as I leaned further into Y/N’s chest, careful not to rub my makeup into her gold vest. Y/N and the rest of the group choked on their drinks. Y/N swallowed hard and leaned down to peck my lips._

_“Always save your dirtiest jokes for me, yeah? And it’s a rum and coke hold the rum.” She rubbed our noses to together._

_“Why not get something more interesting?” I mumbled back, ignoring the fake vomiting sounds Demi was making._

_“I’ll have to wait for later to have that.” She placed a kiss on my head and turned back to her friends._

_“Why do you two always insist on being gross?” Demi moaned, sending everyone into a fit of laughter._

_“Don’t be jealous babe, you’ll get your treat later.” Selena husked into Demi’s ear, making Demi turn bright red, and Y/N let out a loud cackle. I couldn’t help but smile at the sound._

_ End of Memory_

            “You ok over here; you’ve been staring at your empty champagne glass for quite some time” The Cuban broke me out of my thoughts as she sat down next to me, giving me an expectant look.

            “Just caught up in my thoughts Camz” I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile, but she didn’t look convinced.

            “I know that we haven’t been super close since everything happened, but I’m here if you need to talk.” She gently touched my arm.

            “It’s just hard being around so many couples and seeing everyone so happy” I whispered sadly. I knew that this was entirely my fault. I had made this bed, but it still didn’t completely ease the sting.

            “I mean, I know that we’re all here for Ally and Dallas. I know that it’s probably better this way, but I can’t help but feel stressed at the questions I know everyone is dying to ask me. The questions I know I can’t answer.” I can’t stop the rambling. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the pain of keeping everything held in for so long.

            “Trust me, you’re not the only one in pain or the only one who hates not being able to answer questions.” She said comfortingly. A “you both feel the same way but won’t let us help you” was murmured almost too quietly for me to hear.

            “Who won’t let you help them?” I snapped out of my wallowing and quickly glanced at Camz, who looked like a deer caught in headlights.

            “No one,” she said too quickly.

            “Camz,” I said warningly, and she shot a frantic glance over my shoulder.

            “Just like you and Demi don’t want to answer questions, Camz, Dallas and I don’t want to answer them either.” Ally’s soothing voice sounded behind me, and I visibly deflated. The team lines had been drawn and I guess I was on the wrong side at the moment. They had each other’s backs just as Demi had mine. However, they were doing a better job working together than Demi and I were. Maybe it was because they were happier to keep me in the dark about her than we were to do the same. Maybe their information was a whole lot less shameful than ours was.

            “I think you need to add Y/N to that list,” I grumble in response. Y/N had to be on their team. If they knew something about her and were keeping it from us, that put them on her side. That meant that they believed her story.

            “Y/N is on a team of her own.” Camz murmured, turning to look frustratedly away from me. I followed her eyes and noticed Dallas whispering conspiratorially to a redheaded waitress not far from us. She seemed to be pointing at food items on a menu. What the hell was going on.

            “What is that supposed to mean” I snapped, glaring at Camila. There was absolutely no way that she didn’t know something that I didn’t know. She wouldn’t be upset if she didn’t know anything. Had she seen Y/nick/N? What was Dallas doing with a menu, we had all eaten to our heart’s content.

            “It means that she won’t tell us because she’s protecting you. She’s not playing for herself and she’s not really playing for you.” Camila snapped back. So, she did know something.

            “So, she’s here? You know that because you talked to her, and now Dallas is trying to order her food.” I said triumphantly, turning to look at Ally. She just shook her head at me and looked down.

“she’s not here, and Dallas is just sending up some food to the room next to us for later. We may have an inside source that is feeding us information.” Ally said, biting her lip and exchanging eye contact with Camila. That had to be Taylor. She was the only mutual I knew that Y/N would trust enough to share such secret information with. I deflated slightly, pushing my hand through my hair. If Y/N wasn’t helping herself, then what was she doing. I could imagine the confusion she was feeling over the situation because I was feeling the same. I didn’t expect her to give up and wave the white flag. I expected a mean, angry album that would give me a road map to fixing this entire mess. Instead, I got silence, which was somehow worse than her singing about how much better off she was without me. Still, they knew way more than they were letting on, and I didn’t think I could handle any more surprises.

“What room?” I snapped accusatorily. It didn’t make any sense, well maybe it did. I was too far gone to really care.

“The one my cousin is staying in tonight.” Camila chimed in. I turned to stare at her. We didn’t know any cousins. Well, we didn’t know any blood-related cousins. Taylor was fond of both Camila and Y/N. Always referring to them as opposite sides of the same coin. Y/N was guarded and could slice someone to pieces with her tongue, while Camila was open and carefree. They often joked about how they were technically cousins because Dallas acted like a mom to Y/N, and Ally like a mom for Camila.

“You would tell me if she was here right?” I looked over my shoulder and pleaded quietly to Ally. “I don’t think I could handle seeing her without at least a little bit of a heads up.” I continued, showing probably as much emotion on the subject as I ever had. I wasn’t ready to face her, no matter how much I lied to myself that I was. I didn’t think I could handle it if she was as cold and angry as Demi said she was. I think that would break me. I also didn’t think I could handle it if she was as broken as I was. I would just end up spilling everything and I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to do that.

            “She’s not here.” Ally said quietly and Camz nodded along.

            “But she will be?” I questioned

            “I really don’t know” The response was so soft and sad. Everyone wanted her here. I did too, even if it meant I would have to own up to everything. I just wanted this to be over. But This was my choice, and now I would have to face the consequences.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, so we got some fluff and a little glimpse at the relationship that wasn't meant to be. We have some guilt and a little insight into what Lauren's feeling, and maybe just maybe she's figured out that a surprise is in store for the wedding. The next chapter is super Y/N focused, but again will have many and I mean many, memories. We might also get to see a glimpse of the fallout between the girls. But alas, who knows. I have absolutely no idea when the next update will be. The semester just started and I have to apply to medical school, so I'm hoping before Christmas, which is entirely possible because I'm like 1/3 of the way through the next chapter and i have a really good idea where I want to take it, maybe. Leave a comment, question or suggestion below, and as always stay beautiful. 
> 
> A.J.


	8. Chapter 7: Sunrises and dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So This Chapter is out way before I thought it would be. I know there are no masquerade balls in Hollywood, but it's my story, so we're going to pretend that it's a thing because why not. Also, you can pick whatever mask suits your fancy. This chapter is a little look into Y/N's life. Also the song in this chapter is Lonley by Noah Cyrus and was suggested to me, so thank you again for your comments.

Y/N POV

The light was fading fast from the California sky, creating splashes of pink and orange that belonged in a painting. The air was warm, but the ever-present breeze kept me from becoming overly hot. The California sunset had always been one of my favorite sites. It’s what made so much of this life bearable. During the worst parts of tour, I could dream about how the sky would look from my LA penthouse. How I would be holding the one I loved, cuddled up under the blankets, watching as the blazing sun would surrender to the inky night. Miami Beach and my apartment in New York City had been the only views that could match up to this one. Unsurprisingly, I had taken to calling all three of those places home. 

           I usually preferred the views at Cabrillo beach the best. It was less crowded than the Santa Monica Pier, and the waves were just as blue. Neither of those were an option tonight because I knew that if I left this building I would never return. The top of the hotel would have to do for now and it certainly put forth a valiant effort. Instead of counting waves, I was counting the airplanes as they landed in the world-famous airport. It relaxed me to make up stories about the people aboard those planes. I could wonder about the kid who would fall in love with the Los Angeles views just as I had so long ago, the hopeful musician who dreamed of hitting a giant record deal, the proud parent who was visiting their child who made it on a full ride to USC. Wondering about their lives, and their dreams allowed me to escape from the nightmare I found myself constantly trapped in. It was ironic really, I was living everyone else’s dream, dreaming about living like them. The only problem with the view was that it gave me way too much time to think. To think about how this whole mess had begun, and to think about how it had all gone wrong. 

_ Memory (Summer of 2010, 2 years before X-Factor) _

_ The Miami sun shined brilliantly off the surf. The sand was warm, but not hot enough to scorch the bottom of my bare feet. It was the perfect beach day, made even better by the raging crowds. They provided the perfect cover to avoid detection. No one would suspect that a world-renowned superstar was the loser sitting all by their little lonesome on a batman blanket just out of the reach of the receding tide. Not to mention that I was wearing my favorite baseball cap backward on my head, and my large aviators. Anyone who happened to snap a picture would have one hell of a time proving that it was me on the beach and not some other bum.  _

_ Miami was really starting to grow on me. It was the one hundred and somethingth stop on our current world tour, and to be honest I was pretty over the entire thing. Sure, singing to fans was fun, but everything was just starting to become too much. Demi and Joe were fighting constantly, and her habits had continued to decline. To make it all worse, our last stop had been in New Mexico and our father had decided that I needed to pay the yearly fee for his lack of interference, more like monthly now. Mom had also found out about Demi’s issues and my respective problems. Dallas said that she was considering stepping in for “both of our goods.” Frankly, I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to get off the ride before it was thrown for another loop, but I knew I couldn’t. I had promised Demi that I would always be there to protect her. It was difficult keeping things from her, like our father's increasingly frequent payments, but I knew that knowing would only send her further spiraling.  _

_ But here, none of that mattered. I could place my feet in the lapping water, without getting completely drenched. I loved the beach; the water had a mind-clearing effect for me. It was like the tide would literally pull all the bad thoughts away and just push in the good ones. It helped that I loved to people watch. I could make up stories for each of the groups around me. I kept my head facing the waves, but my eyes could follow every person without detection. I glanced every so often to the group of teenagers set up next to me. There had only been about twelve of them to begin with, involved in a fairly heated volleyball game, but over the past half hour, a large crowd had formed around the action. _

_ I didn't mind; I was enjoying the game. One side had a group of six burly looking guys. They seemed to be attempting to impress the group of girls facing them. I couldn't blame the guys, the girls were really pretty, well except for one. She could only be called gorgeous. Her dark red bikini and flowing brown hair made her look like something from a movie. I was trying my best to avoid blatantly staring at her. I knew I wouldn’t have a chance trying to pick her up and I didn’t want to be some creeper. Growing up with three sisters had taught me great respect for women, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want some looser staring at my baby sister or any of my sisters for that matter. I was simply enjoying the game she was a part of. It helped that the girls were kicking the guy's asses. They were up 5 points and did little happy dances each time the meatheads would miss a save. I idly wondered if the guys were purposefully missing the saves, just to watch them do their cute little dance. I focused my attention back on the rolling waves, attempting to clear my head. I was determined to not be some misogynist pig who objectified attractive women.  _

_ The crashing and burning of the waves reminded me of a metronome. Always pushing and pulling. The water could be boiling one moment and calm the next. It was a perfect example of a song. Soft and smooth in the verses, but rocking in the chorus. The bars of music began to rapidly flow through my head, the song taking a shape of its own and coming to life like the majestic view before me. The line “Give me love like her, cause lately I’ve been waking up alone” sticking out in my mind. I picked up my small, black, leather-bound book and pencil and began to write the lyrics out. I was just getting into the flow of the song when I heard a “Hey watch out” being yelled in my direction. _

_            I looked up just in time to see the volleyball from the game next to door crashing into my face. My aviators toppled to the sand, my songbook falling along with them. I grasped the top of my head and let out a soft “God Damn it”. _

_            “I am so sorry,” The same voice as before spoke. Her voice was muffled by her hand, and I couldn’t tell if she was actually sorry or if she was just trying not to burst into laughter.  _

_            I looked up squinting at her. Her head was crowned by the brilliant sun, casting a shadow over her features. That bikini looked even better on her from up close. I focused my gaze on her face, as not to get tempted, and opened my mouth, but no words came out. She seemed to determine that my speechlessness was due to either my inability to see her or the fact that she may or may not have just given me a concussion. She held my gaze, but knelt next to me, gently placing her hand on my chin. I got my first clear view of her face. Gosh her eyes were stunning. They were like little emeralds, but they held much too emotion to just be jewels.  _

_            “Are you ok?” The girl seemed concerned at my inability to speak, but for me, it wasn’t such an odd occurrence. I was known for being exceptionally flirtatious with my fans, but when it came to a girl I was actually interested in, I was rendered speechless. My ability to woo with words went right out the window, and I became nothing more than a blubbering idiot. Words Y/N, she wants words. I quickly coached myself.  _

_            “I-I’m G-g-good.” I stuttered out, blushing. I puffed out my chest and tried again. “Yeah, I’m good” I flashed the girl my award-winning smile, but still had a blush that went all the way up to my ears. The girl busted out into the most melodic giggles I had ever heard dropping her hand from my face, and I decided that I never wanted those giggles to stop.  _

_            “That’s good.” She laughed but quickly stopped when she saw my broken aviators and songbook in the sand. I grabbed the glasses and began to inspect the damage. They had been a gift from Ray-Band when I agreed to let them sponsor me. I’m sure they were expensive, but I wasn’t going to make the girl feel bad. I hadn’t paid for them, and I was sure I could get another pair. _

_            “I’m sorry about those.” She pointed to the broken glasses in my hand.  _

_            “It’s no biggie” I shrugged and smiled at her. _

_            “It’s no biggie? Those are like a $300 pair of glasses, and now they’re totally ruined.” I felt my eyes go wide, and I dropped the glasses like they burned me. $300 for glasses. That was insane. Who the fuck spends three hundred dollars on glasses? _

_            “oh,” I mumbled out, still sure of the funny look on my face. The girl once again burst out into another fit of giggles. At least I could make her laugh.  _

_            “You didn’t know how expensive those were?” Her giggles continued. _

_            “Not really. Let’s just say they were a gift.” I shrugged, joining her in giggles. I saw her hand reach in front of me and didn’t realize what she was reaching for until it was too late. She plucked the little, black book from the sand and shook it. I watched as the tiny particles came tumbling out of it. She then turned the book right side up and began to open it. Immediately my hand reached out to grab it from her, but I was too late. She pulled the book away, just out of my reach. Her eyes widening as she read the words written on the page.  _

_            “You write music.” The smile was wiped off of my face at the statement. This had placed me in a precarious position.  _

_            “Maybe.” I quickly snatched the book out of her hands and safely tucked it inside of my board shorts. _

_            “But that is for me to know and prying eyes never to read” I joked casually, but I knew she got my message. I hated that I had to do this. A beautiful girl literally hits on me and I have to be a dick because she wants to read my songbook. See my songbook was my most prized possession. It was a private place for me to put my deepest, darkest thoughts. No one got to touch it, not even Demi. I nervously looked up to meet the girl’s eyes but was surprised when I saw an inquisitive look cross her features. _

_            “Who are You?” the question was simple, but there was nothing simple about the answer.  _

_            “That depends on who’s asking. To my friends I’m Y/nick/name, to my fans I’m a genius heartthrob and to my enemies, I’m an Asshole. The real question I suppose is who are you?” I let a sly smirk across my face.  _

_            “I’m Lauren. Can I call you Y/Nick/N?” A light smile caressed her face.  _

_            “That would imply we’re friends and most friends have each other’s phone numbers.” Her smile widened further at my statement. When did I become this smooth? _

_            “Well then I guess I’ll just have to give you my number, won’t I?” she smirked at me, picking up my phone from its discarded place in the sand.  _

_ End of Memory _

__ I smiled at the rare fond memory that always seemed to appear at the most inappropriate times. That tour had been a shit show, and I don’t mean that as an exaggeration. It had ended with Demi and me in different parts of the country in treatment facilities. It had ended with two interventions, and so many threats it was kinda insane. That tour had put a riff in our family nearly as big as the one I would cause 8 years later. I sighed, taking another deep breath just to try and calm my racing heartbeat. The tightness in my chest was something that just never seemed to go away, it was annoying and aggravating. I was never sure if it was because my heart still had feelings that my brain refused to acknowledge, or if it was due to my anxiousness to the prospect of actually seeing my loved ones again. If my quick decision to hang out on the roof for the foreseeable future brought on by the near-miss was any indication. 

           My plan had originally been to return to my room and spend the night watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S re-runs, wallowing in my pity. That plan had changed just before I exited the stairwell. Their voices carried through the hall, easily informing me of where they were and where they were headed. It had been far too risky to sneak down the corridor when everyone I was trying to avoid was in the same place. It was probably safe now, but 1) I didn’t want to risk it and 2) the sky was simply too beautiful to avoid. My only regret was that I hadn’t grabbed my guitar before I headed up here. Getting over my writer’s block had been sheer hell, but After I had, it was like I simply couldn’t stop writing. 

_ Memory (13 months after the incident) _

_            The old oak grand piano sat in the corner, just in front of the large bay windows that looked over the city was much like a large elephant in the room. It was a taunting piece, calling to me, but reminding me of what I had been yet to accomplish in the last year and a half. I glared at it from my place on the overly fluffy couch.  _

_            “You know that it can’t glare back right?” My best friends voice broke me out of my starring contest with an inanimate object. I logically knew that she was right, but my feelings for it were too strong. It represented the beginning of the end. Maybe if I had been able to write this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe it would have less emotionally distant. Was I emotionally distant? That piano represented everything that I was walking away from.  _

_            “Maybe if you actually play it, you can resolve whatever issue you have with my piano,” Taylor commented again with a sigh.  _

_            ‘It hasn’t worked with any guitars, so why would it work with the piano?” I huffed back, turning to look at the blond with a frown.  _

_            “What do you mean?” She sat forward, placing her hand on her chin and her elbow on her knee, and giving me an expectant look. She had seen me struggle to play a consistent strumming pattern. She had seen me struggle to stick to a single chord progression. She knew what the problem was, but it seemed like she wanted to hear me say it out loud. She wanted me to talk about my problems because I would “feel better” but I highly doubted it. It would just force me to confront all of my conflicting emotions. Why would I do that when I was perfectly content to push all those emotions down?  _

_            “It’s like all the chords are jumbled in my head. I start one song and suddenly switch to another and another without any rhyme or reason. I can’t seem to untangle one song from another.” I mumbled, sitting up as well, pleading with her to understand.  _

_            “What if we write all of the different parts out, and then try to piece them together afterward.” She quirked her eyebrow at me, as I threw my head against the back of her couch. It would be nice to write everything out so the pressure in my head would disappear, but I didn’t want to deal with it.  _

_            “What if we write everything out, and then nothing changes? What if this is all a big waste of time?” I sighed back, giving her a view of my greatest fears. I didn’t mean what if I couldn’t write anymore, I meant what if I wasn’t good enough anymore? My greatest attribute had always been my ability to pull a song out of thin air. When that had stopped, it felt like everyone pushed me away. When I lost that ability, I was alone again, and I didn’t want Taylor to leave too. I don’t think I could handle it if Taylor left too.  _

_            “Well, I’ve got a shit-ton of sticky notes that I’m not using for anything else. If nothing else changes, at least we’ll be able to get something out of that brilliant mind of yours.” She joked back, giving me an expectant tap on the shoulder to get me moving towards the piano. I sighed again. _

_            “I don’t think I can do this. I’m not going back to music, so why does it even matter?” I put my head in my hands, scrubbing my face. I didn’t understand why she was so insistent that I work through my issue.  _

_            “Why are you so afraid? I’m not going to judge you, you know that. I’m just going to try and make your brain a little less crowded.” She pulled my hands from my face, grabbing my hands and leading me to the piano. I gently sat down on the worn bench, placing my fingers lightly on the white keys.  _

_            “I don’t even know where to start” I mumbled as I ran my hands across the keys, slowly pressing on random chords. Taylor just hummed at me as she grabbed a giant stack of sticky notes and a pen.  _

_            “Just play what you hear. We’ll write down however many different progressions, and then go from there.” She smiled, walking over to lean on the piano. I lifted my hands and slammed them back down on the keys. Taylor jumped at the loud, obnoxious sound.  _

_            “That’s what it sounds like in my head. A mess of angry chords that don’t go together. I can’t FUCKING DO THIS” I yelled, burying my head in my hands yet again.  _

_            “Not with that attitude,” Taylor said dryly, placing the pack of sticky notes back on the piano. “Why don’t we start with something that’s already been written. Just play me one of mine” she added gently, as though I was a frightened animal that she didn’t want to scare into attacking again. I glanced at Taylor and then looked to the piano, carefully placing my hands on the keys, taking a big deep breath and letting them dance through my favorite of her songs. The music ran from my fingertips, like little water jets, splashing the air with wondrous sound. The tune started as Taylor’s enchanted, and then it shifted. The chords changed from one tune to another, flowing unevenly through the twisting musical notes trapped inside my brain. Taylor began jotting down the chords of each corresponding song, and by the end, we had hundreds of them placed on the windows overlooking Manhattan. It had taken us 16 hours, but we had finally been able to connect the jagged pieces of my brain.  _

__

_ End of Memory _

           Once Taylor and I had worked through my writer’s block, it was like I couldn’t stop. I had so much source material to work off of that I would have far more than enough for a new album if I ever decided to record again. The songs were mostly sad, but a few were angry and up-tempo. It would make for an interesting mix of a record once I decided to put all of the pieces together. Right now, I felt inspired. I gently pulled my black book out of my back pocket and opened to a blank page, silently cursing that I hadn’t been brave enough to swing by my room and grab my guitar. It would be ok though, I would just write what I heard now, and then figure out the logistics later. 

I'm slowly killing myself

I'm trying so hard at the back of the shelf

It's just the same every day

I'm writing these songs that will never get played

I get told what's wrong and what's right

I don't have a romantic life

And everyone's dying

So I keep on trying to make them proud before they are gone

I hummed the words as I wrote them down, they flowed nicely. This was probably the last time I would ever get to see the people I loved and cared about. The gravity of the situation was tremendous. We had worked so hard, and come so far, but it didn’t matter. There was no one coming to save us now, no one who could fix this, but here I was pretending that everything would be ok. Pretending that I could show up tomorrow like some little last hurrah and then go again without feeling the pain. Pretending that we could fix something so broken was like pretending you could rebuild something that had been ground to dust. 

           I continued my humming, jotting down the lyrics where they were present in my head. This song would have to be changed and edited a crazy amount before it was presentable enough for the fans. It would be worth it because someone somewhere would connect with the lyrics, even if it wasn’t me singing them. 

           “That’s good” A smooth voice sounded from behind me. I sighed. Why did everyone always have to find me, and interrupt when I was on a role. 

           “Is this seat taken?” The short brunette in crazy high heels gestured to the concrete block next to the one I was currently perched on. I was blown away that someone so tiny could walk in heels that big. Didn’t they hurt her feet; didn’t she feel off-balanced. Did she do it because she liked it, or because society told her she should? Maybe she wore them because it made her feel not as short in comparison. Maybe she just thought they looked cool. That why I bought shoes most of the time. I like the way they looked, and the way they felt. I didn’t really like new shoes, because you had to break them in. But there was something really spectacular about being the one to break in a new pair of shoes. 

           “Hey space cadet, I asked if this seat was taken” She gently nudged my shoulder, effectively breaking me out of my rabbit chasing. 

           “For you Ariana, Never.” I smiled back as charmingly as I could. She was dating one of my best friends, so I was sure that gave me a little room to flirt. Plus, we had dated way back before Lauren and I had ever happened. We had mutually decided that we were far better as friends than we were as lovers after both of our careers had skyrocketed. I had been the one to set her up with Camz, who was much more her type. She was much more upbeat than I could ever be, plus she didn’t have any of the baggage that I came with. Camz wasn’t afraid to show her emotions. There was no stone wall that Ari would have to break down. Camz was better for her. I was once again pulled out of my thoughts by a finger-snapping in my face. 

           “Cammie said that you were really spacy today, but I never thought it would be remotely this bad.” She moved her hand to grab my chin, forcing me to make eye contact with her. I felt uncomfortable under her analyzing glare. I gently pulled my chin out of her grasp and ran my hand through my newly trimmed hair. 

           “It’s not usually like this” I mumbled, turning my attention to the every-fading sunset. 

           “Oh, I know. I know how you get when you’re after something you want” She said thoughtfully, also looking out at the sunset. She was right. When I was determined, there was nothing that could stop me. I sighed, again, looking up at a plane running waiting patterns in the sky. 

           “Do you think that the people up there know that we’re down here? Do you think they know that on the ground someone’s life is falling apart?” I placed my chin in my hand, glancing sideways at Ariana’s puzzled face.

           “You don’t get to act like you don’t love it here. You chose to come back not once but twice now. I felt my eyes widen, nearly popping out of my head. Ariana laughed a humorous laugh. 

           “I don’t hate it here. I just…” I searched for the word that could describe my feelings, ignoring her accusation. 

“There’s just too much to think about, and I’m not sure what I want.” I glanced back at the brunet. “Part of me wants to run away, and the other part of me wants to make a record to show them that I don’t need them. To show them that I’m doing fine without them.” I said the last part with finality. As though I was trying to force myself to believe it as much as I wanted her to. I’m fine had somehow become my mantra. I thought that if I could say it enough, it would happen. 

           “It’s ok to feel heartbroken Y/nick/name. They really did a number on you from what I can tell, but you don’t get to sit here and act like you’re the innocent one” She turned to give me a sympathetic smile. 

           “What do you think they did?” I couldn’t help the curious question, still ignoring her pointed statement. She had a different set of inside information. She was dating someone in the band, and I was so interested in what they had been told, probably too interested.

           “Cammie had to sign an NDA, and so did the rest of the band. They weren’t allowed to talk about any part of your relationships. They also weren’t allowed to refute anything that Lauren said. It almost tore the band apart.” She explained, and I could feel the pain and frustration in her eyes.

           “But some awesome human swooped in and saved the band at the last minute” I smiled at her cheekily. 

           “Someone told Cammie and Ally to back off, and then bought all the rights to the band. They sent them new management. They gave them a 4-month break to do some solo stuff and then brought them back together to market it as a whole package. That asshat somehow made the problem magically disappear.” Ariana snapped disapprovingly. It had been far more complicated than waving a magic wand could fix, but I had done it, and I would do it again for them. 

_ Memory (5 months after the incident) _

_ _

_            I glared at my phone as I rang for what had to be the 50th time in the last 10 minutes, picking it up to click the little red circle, effectively silencing it and returning it to its place in the sand. I happily returned my attention to the rolling waves, sighing at the peacefulness they brought me. I decided that it was yet another mistake on my part to turn the stupid electronic back on again, as it rang again from, flashing the same smiling face of my brunet manager. I should toss it into the ocean next time or move it so it could be slowly sucked in by the slowly encroaching waves.  _

_            I guess that’s what I was doing to myself in away. Sitting in the sand, just out of life’s reach, waiting for the rushing waves to sweep me away yet again. I was avoiding the tide at all costs, starting with the flood of messages that were being sent to my phone. I had more than ten thousand messages and voicemails, but I wasn’t interested in listing to them, much like I wasn’t interested in whatever the person who was perpetually calling my phone had to say. Like clockwork, my phone began to buzz again, except this time it wasn’t Lexa, it was Clarke. If she was calling me, then it had to be serious. I begrudgingly picked up the electronic device that my life had been so much better without and clicked the answer key.  _

_            “what?” I snapped into the phone that was interrupting my beach day.  _

_            “Thank Fuck you answered” Lexa’s frantic voice filled my ears, and I sighed.  _

_            “Whatever you have to say I don’t want to hear it. You can’t and won’t change my mind so just leave me the fuck alone” I growled through the phone, pulling it away from my ear, ending the call and returning the wrenched thing to its place. I had absolutely zero interest in whatever she had to say.  _

_            I ground my teeth together as the blond photo again graced my lock screen and the sand around the phone began buzzing. I was going to throw it in the ocean after this. Mark my words. I grabbed the dam thing and clicked the answer again.  _

_            “I told you to leave me the fuck alone” I all but screamed into the device.  _

_            “Please don’t hang up Y/N” Clarke’s voice pleaded, shocking me into silence. If it was Clarke, it had to be bad.  _

_            “Clarke?” I questioned into the phone, almost like a prayer. Clarke was more than just my publicist; she was like a mother. She was my shoulder to lean on when everything was going nuts. Unlike Demi and Dallas who had their own lives and careers, Clarke was with always with me.  _

_            “Hey sweetie, we need to talk to you. We have a problem and Lexa has more details than I do. She won’t try to convince you to come back or anything, she is just going to explain the situation and see what you want us to do.” Clarke said sweetly through the phone. I mumbled an ok, and I heard her hand the phone to her partner.  _

_            “Hey kid, we have a massive problem. Camila and Ally want to leave Fifth Harmony, and their management is getting ready to drop them because of all of the drama. They’re being forced into group counseling, but from what we can tell it just keeps ending up in screaming matches. I’m calling you because you’re cosigned on all of the paperwork, so you get to make the final call. Simon just wants to drop them and is willing to sign the whole problem over to you and only you.” Lexa rattled off in a very formal voice, almost as though she was afraid, I would hang up on her if she said anything not related to the issues.  _

_            “Let me make some calls and see what the girl’s problem is. If it can be resolved, I would be willing to make the jump and have us hire Lena and Alex on to be their full-time team. If it can’t, then I don’t know what I’ll do.” I sighed into the phone. Thank god I answered. Now I would just have to get a hold of Camz and Ally and see what their problem was.  _

_            “Just know that if you want Simon to sign the girl's contract over to you, he stipulated that it would have to be in person,” Lexa added hesitantly. I groaned. He was going to try to pull me out of isolation with the prospect of helping the people I love.  _

_            “We’ll see what happens. I’ll call you after I get everything figured out. Start drafting up the contract for Lena and Alex.” I instructed quietly through the phone, waiting for her hum of agreement before I hung up. I scrubbed my hands over my face and let out a long, scream of frustration. Of course, they would wait until I had just relaxed to start what was bound to be the biggest train wreck of the 21st century. I again glanced at my phone, flicking through the contacts. I hovered over the one titled baby girl, feeling my breath catch uncomfortably in my chest. What was I supposed to say to her? “hello, it’s me. I was wondering if you want to speak?” I mean how cheesy did that sound. I flicked past her smiling face, the smile I hadn’t seen in forever, and to the one labeled Camziepoo. It would be easier to get to the bottom of this mess with her, at least I knew what to say.  _

_            The phone rang exactly 3 times, not that I was counting or anything, and I felt my heart rate speed up with every beep.  _

_            “Is this really you?” She answered, sounding super shocked.  _

_            “Why are people interrupting my vacation to tell me that you and the rest of the girls are petitioning to break up the band?” I said sternly into the phone. Leaving no room for questions. I didn’t have the time or the will to explain myself to her. _

_            “We think that the breakup is highly suspicious, and we’re not about to let management force us to speak badly about you. You’re my friend.” She listed her reasoning through the phone. I heard her shuffle and a “who you talking to Camila” from her side. That’s when I began to internally panic. What if she told them that I was the one calling? This might be a disaster.  _

_            “It’s Y/N from what I’ve gathered. Calling for an impromptu counseling session.” She said to whoever had entered the room. I heard more of a scuffle and the next thing I knew a “Is this really you, I was so worried.” Ally said tearfully.  _

_            “Listen, I need you guys to hold on just a little longer. I’m going to buy the rights to the band.” I stated, ignoring their sentiments. I wanted to get this shit storm over with. _

_            “There won’t be a band if we have anything to say about it.” Ally said firmly and I could imagine Camz nodding from her place on the bed next to her.  _

_            “Yeah, we won’t just stand aside and let them destroy your character Y/N. You were the one on the shit end of the stick, we aren’t going to let them play the victim.” Camila Agreed, sounding the most determined I've ever heard her.  _

_            “Listen, guys, I appreciate the support, but your careers aren’t worth it. You won’t win this fight, trust me.” I said solemnly, picking at the loose thread of my swim shorts.  _

_            “What do you mean?” Ally said, suddenly angry.  _

_            “I mean, I signed the contract that allowed them to say all that shit,” I answered calmly. Glanced back at the ocean, a seagull landed next to me, and I sighed. My phone buzzed in my hand, with a text from Lexa.  _

__ **_ Ok, kid, I got you a flight. I’m assuming you’re still in Miami and if you’re not you need to respond ASAP. It leaves in 5 hours, so you better hurry.  _ **

_            “Why would you do that?” Ally sounded close to tears, interrupting my reading. _

_            “and why didn’t you ask us for help?” Camila nearly sobbed through the phone.  _

_            “I don’t have time to rehash all this stuff. Apparently, I have to catch a flight soon” I mumbled the last part accidentally. How did Lexa know where I was? I shot the seagull a questioning, and it squawked back at me as if to say that it didn’t know either.  _

_            “Where are you? is that a Seagull?” Ally and Camila both shouted at the same time, and I sighed for the 100th time in the last 30 seconds.  _

_            “Nowhere, I’m nowhere. And yes, it was. Look, I got to go, but next time I see you, you two better have your acts together. No more fighting. It wasn’t her fault. Trust me.” I said quickly and hitting the end call button as fast as I could, not giving them any time to think. I didn’t need them asking questions. The celebrity mascaraed ball was this week, and I’m sure Lexa could pull some strings. The best way to not be seen was to wear a mask, right? _

_ Still memory, 2 days later at the Charity Mascaraed ball _

_ The tinkling of glass was the only sound I could hear besides my own heartbeat. How had I convinced myself that this was a good idea? I glanced around the room again, readjusting the mask that adorned my face for the hundredth time, glancing towards the bartender and ordering myself another old fashioned. I wasn’t going to get drunk, but I needed something to ease my nerves. I took a sip and tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone who would tip people off that I was here. I had snuck in the back to avoid the Paps, and now I was just hoping that Simon would hurry his happy ass up and bring me the paperwork. My eyes wandered the room, only being drawn to one green-eyed goddess in a fitted red dress. Dam I loved her in red.  _

_            “I didn’t think that you would actually show up.” The British man broke me out of my musing about the beautiful girl dancing with my sister.  _

_            “I am just here to sign and disappear again.” I took another sip but didn’t turn to look away. Her hips moved in an even more mesmerizingly fashion, almost as though she knew I was watching. I felt a gentle tap of paper on my hand, I broke my intense gaze, pulled a pen out of my black lapel and scrawled my signature along the dotted line.  _

_            “The girls won’t be under Scooter; they’ll be placed into Alex’s agency full time. Camila and Ally have redacted their request for the band to be disbanded. They caught me just before I found you and said that they had reconsidered on behalf of new evidence. Know anything about that?” The British man questioned. I huffed. I had grabbed the girls just before making my way to the bar and explained that it was a manager’s contract and not something that Lauren had done on her own. I told them that she was probably trying to save their asses, It was a good line, even if I didn’t believe it myself. _

_            “Funny isn’t it, how quickly people can change their minds?” I bit back cheekily. I had told him that Scooter wasn’t a good guy, but no one would believe me. I knew that Lauren and Demi were also to blame, but Simon was a wet noodle who didn’t do shit but continued to take all the credit.  _

_            “This mess isn’t my fault” He puffed his chest out in defense.  _

_            “Oh, but it is. Now if you’ll excuse me.” I passed him the paperwork back and made my way towards the captivating woman in the center of the room. She had broken my heart, but I couldn’t help myself. I was quickly in front of the woman I had been dreaming of, and I cleared my throat.  _

_            “Mind if I cut in?” I asked in my best British accent. Lowering my voice just enough so she wouldn’t know it was me. She turned and squinted up at me, with dilated green eyes, like she was trying to figure out who I was.  _

_            “Depends on who you are” She moved towards me, placing her hands on my chest. I could smell the overwhelming amount of alcohol on her breath. I placed my hands on her waist and began to sway with her, afraid that if I made too big of a movement she would topple over.  _

_            “I’m no one.” I smiled at her, continuing to portray myself as a stranger, allowing myself this short moment of bliss. I doubted that she would be able to tell that I was me anyway, but I wasn’t going to give her anything to remember.  _

_            “I don’t know if I know a no-one” She giggled back, I allowed her to lean into me. _

_            “You’ve always known me. I would be the one to fall from grace, just to touch your face” I hummed in her ear, before disengaging from her, and making my way back through the growing crowd. I heard a “Wait” be screeched out behind me, and I could picture her pushing her way through the crowd to catch up, but I didn’t turn back. I grabbed my coat from where I had left it at the bar and disappeared into the night. That had been stupid and way to close for comfort, but I could never seem to resist her. She was my drug and I wasn’t ready to stop yet.  _

__

_ End of Memory _

__ Little did I know a tall blond singer had seen our interaction and followed me out. Getting on the same plane as I and finding the little beach I had claimed as my sanctuary. The same blond who would convince me that I needed to get my shit together. I glanced sideways at Ariana. 

           “I didn’t know that you saw me that night” I mumbled. 

           “I didn’t, but Cammie said that Lauren wouldn’t shut up about the masked person who had used your number one pick up line on her.” Ariana hummed back. 

           “I don’t regret it you know. I don’t regret saving the band. I don’t regret signing that contract, and I don’t regret dancing with her.” I said with finality. 

           “I didn’t figure you would. Do you regret leaving?” Ariana smirked at me, as though she had caught me in a trap. That was the one question I had refused to answer for Taylor, Dallas, and Camila. Now Ariana was hopping on the train. 

           “We all make choices. My choice now is to go back to my room and eat the things that Dallas is having sent up.” I gave her a sly smile, letting her know that I knew what she had tried to do. Her shoulders visibly slumped. 

           “She texted you?” She asked disappointedly. And I waved my phone at her as I stood and smiled, silently answering her question.

           “Will I see you tomorrow?” She stood too, giving me a longing look.

           “That my dear is a choice for another day,” I smirked as I leaned against the door of the staircase, letting it swing open, and disappearing through the door. I heard her frustrated shout from behind me, but I ignored it. Choosing instead to daydream about the dishes Dallas had ordered to my room. They were bound to be amazing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we have some movement, a little intro to our endgame relationship. The next chapter should be the start of the wedding. I say should be because I haven't started it yet, and I have no idea when I will start it. I'm currently applying to medical school and trying to complete my course work so I have absolutely no clue when I will get a chance to work on this again. Please leave comments and suggestions down below, I love hearing from you guys. Thank you again for reading and not freaking out about all my typos. As always stay amazing!
> 
> AJ


	9. Chapter 8: A Mother Knows Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my dudes, so this chapter is up before Thanksgiving, and I totally wasn't expecting that. So the Wedding will happen next, I promise, maybe. But for today we get a little more character development, a little more insight and the appearance of the woman who is determined to fix it all.

Lauren POV

            The light from the slightly open curtain painted the ceiling in an orange glow. The sun had set hours ago, but the lights never seemed to go out in LA. They called New York the city that never sleeps, but I was sure that Los Angeles was making a run for the title. Sure, LA had beaches, but none of them could compare to Miami. Miami was loud during the day but always settled as the sun went down. I missed being able to look up at the sky and see all the stars. I missed the way we would lay in the sand, listening to the waves lap the shore and make up stories for the constellations. In those moments we could pretend we were the only two people in the world, with no other responsibility than being together. We would probably never get to do that again. I sighed and pulled the covers tighter to me.

Dinner had ended hours ago, and we had brought Ally up to our shared suite to ensure that no funny business happened between Dallas and her. We were sticking to tradition, even though there was a significant protest from each side. We had all agreed that sleep was what we all needed before the big day tomorrow, but here I was, staring at the ceiling completely unable to close my eyes without wishing I had someone sleeping next to me. I wasn’t the only one awake, I could hear faint whispers coming from the bed next to my own. From the moment Ariana had appeared in our room, she, Camz and Ally had formed a little group. They were barely audible, and I had to focus to understand, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.

            “I don’t know Ally. She shut me down the moment I brought it up.”  Ariana breathed out. There was a pause for a moment as I assumed, they glanced in my direction to make sure I was really asleep.

            “She shut both of us down too. The most we got out of her was at the masquerade ball.” Camz said back quietly.

            The masquerade ball was a mass of fuzzy memories for me, as I had been dead set on getting as drunk as possible to numb the pain. The band had been falling apart and I was pretty sure that we were about to be dropped because of the conflicts. Leading up to the event Camz and Ally had been relentless, adamantly refusing to back up the tales that Demi and I had woven, constantly demanding that we tell them what was actually going on. It got so bad that even our group therapy sessions had ended in screaming matches because I refused to explain why Y/N had seemingly fallen off the face of the planet. Then it had magically stopped. They had backed off and everything had been fine again. We had been freed of Scooter and placed under the care of some amazing people. That night had also been strange for me. I vaguely remember a person, a very beautiful person, who had cut in to dance with me. They held me with such care, and they had said the words that only one other had spoken to me. I had tried to follow her out, to see if I was right, but she had disappeared in the crowd, never turning to face my calls. I had suspicions that she was here, and I could only hope that she wouldn’t leave again.

            “Someone should check on her. You know that her acting aloof never ends well.” Ally sighed. I could practically feel the frustration coming off of her.

            “We should just send Lauren. I’m sure that would fix the problem right up.” Ariana joked sarcastically, causing the other two participants to chuckle quietly. If I didn’t know who they were talking about before, I knew now.

            “She cut all her curls off, so she probably wouldn’t recognize her.” Camz snarked back, causing the other two girls to giggle even harder. Her curls had always been one of my favorite aspects of her. I swear that she kept them long just because of how often I played with them. I was amazed to find that my big, tough, badass girlfriend turned into a puppy when I ran my fingers through her hair.

            “I’ll text Dallas to check on her. I don’t like the idea of leaving her alone.” Ally said sobering up. I heard the quiet click of the phone keyboard.

            “I don’t like it either. She’s drinking again because it’s “easier” to not be able to feel at all” Ariana scoffed quietly. The news should have felt like a shock, but it wasn’t. After finding the little black book, Demi and I had read through its hundreds if not thousands of times. It was heartbreaking to see how much pain she was holding inside. She had written songs that speculated how much better we would be without her. It was scary how often the theme occurred among the harsh black lines. The end had the only song that was mostly complete, apologizing for her inability to stay sober. We had feared the worst and hoped for the best, but now I knew that our hopes weren’t reciprocated.  

            “She wants to pretend that she doesn’t care, but she does. I think it hurts her that she cares so much” Ally mumbled thoughtfully.

            “I don’t know Ally. She was adamant that she didn’t regret leaving” Ariana said with something that I couldn’t identify in her voice.

 If Y/N didn’t regret leaving, did that mean that she didn’t regret what happened between the two of us? Did she regret not fighting for me, or for Demi? From the state of her thoughts in that book, it wouldn’t surprise me if Y/N regretted becoming famous in the first place. I knew Y/N had writers block. I knew that the deadlines were coming faster and faster. I had justified and rationalized my non-decision as motivation. Sure, it would hurt us both, but it would destroy the block of music flow in Y/N’s brain. It would kickstart the motivation, and I wouldn’t like the pain I heard in the music, but I knew that she would be ok again. I didn’t realize the near-constant agony her thoughts had become. I didn’t realize that I was just a pawn being used to get rid of her for the competition. I just… my thoughts were broken by the special ring Ally had for Dallas, and I sighed.

            “Is she able to get away from Demi long enough to check on our favorite cousin?” Camila whispered with a smile. There was an obvious fondness in her tone. She and Y/N had hit it off right away, which was honestly surprising. Y/N was usually quiet and guarded. She preferred to show how she felt, rather than speak it out. Camila was one of the only people able to pull the goofball out of Y/N. I loved seeing her silly side as much as I did her romantic, sarcastic and sweet sides. The two would always get into trouble together, whether it was watching the opening acts in disguise in the audience, or running off to give autographs when we weren’t supposed to.

            “She’s sending their mom.” Was all Ally said before an ire quire settled in the room. Their conversation was clearly over for the moment, but I couldn’t find it within myself to fall asleep quite yet. I took a deep breath, still staring at the ceiling.

            “I thought you said that Y/N wasn’t here,” I spoke into the quiet room. My voice held no malice. I wasn’t angry that they had lied to me. Heaven knows how many times I had lied to them in the last year.

            “The Y/N you know isn’t here. She isn’t the same person she was a year ago, or two years ago. She’s more guarded” Camz murmured into the air. I didn’t look at her, because if I did the momentary reprieve would be over. If our eyes met, then the truce would disintegrate and all that would be left were the malicious comments and probing for information. The only way we could talk about the truth now was through quiet whispers in the dark. The news nearly took my breath away. It terrified me to think about how much pain she was in. I was so ashamed that I hadn’t realized just how bad things had gotten. It put her reaction that day into context.

            “I didn’t want to hurt her,” I mumbled back. It was the first time I had voiced this to any of the girls. They thought I had chosen to sign that contract. They thought I had thrown everything away on purpose.

            “But you did,” Ally added, barely above a whisper.

            “What was the plan? To pretend that she wasn’t there tomorrow and hope that we didn’t make a scene?” I asked, letting a little disbelief bleed into my voice. I ignored her response. I knew I hurt Y/N and every day it felt like I was finding out just how much. Knowing that I was the cause of Y/N’s pain and seeing it was two very different things. If she had stayed, I don’t think I would have been able to hold up my end of the deal. I would have blown it, and my career and the girls’ career would be over.

            “We’re not sure what she’s going to do. Lexa said that she set up a recording time, but she said that she was just going to disappear again. I honestly don’t even think she knows what she’s going to do. She’s caught between wanting to return and her desperate need to run away again” Ariana listed off, sounding frustrated just as everyone else did when they mentioned her.

            “It’ll be hard for her to disappear, Taylor found her secret hideaway.”  Camila murmured, her voice was slightly muffled, I assumed she was cuddling with Ariana.

            “Where?” I questioned quietly.

            “What are you going to chase her there?” Ally asked with more sass than she had ever spoken with. I could feel the anger that I knew both her and Camila held for me. The anger that I held for myself.

            “This isn’t what I wanted.” I firmly declared yet again. I could say it till I was blue in the face, but they would never be able to believe me.

            “What did you want then? More fame? more money? You keep saying that you didn’t want this. You didn’t know that this was what was going to happen. What Lauren could have justified what you did? Huh? She was going to marry you and you just dropped her like she was the dirt on your shoes.” Camila asked with real venom. I took in a shaky breath. I couldn’t tell them the real reason. The contract contained a gag order, and I was too ashamed to admit that I had signed it in the first place.

            “I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to keep the band together. I wanted Y/N to fight for me, and instead, she laid down like a pussy and gave up.” I sat up and glared at the two girls. It was true. I thought there would be some fight or something, but no. She had simply nodded and walked out the door. I was hurt that she didn’t want me enough to fight. If she didn’t want me, then I didn’t need her.

            “It took her more courage than you will ever have to sign that contract, knowing that you and Demi were going to destroy her career, her fanbase, everything she holds dear. She gave you and us everything to save our careers.” Ally moved over to join me on the bed and looked me in the eyes. I knew she was right, but I never thought it would get this far. I had to keep up appearances so that we wouldn’t lose everything we had built. I looked down, and away from Ally.

            “I thought I would be able to fix it” I mumbled ashamed.

            “The only person who can fix this is afraid that letting herself feel will just hurt her again. You’re both so stubborn. If you tell us what happened, we can help.” Ally said sadly, placing an arm around my back and rubbing gently. Maybe I should tell them, they would know what to do. I opened my mouth to let all my secrets fly when I was interrupted.

            “Listen, I know that we all need to talk, but before that, we all need sleep because tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day.” Normani cut in, effectively cutting off the conversation. I internally sighed in relief. The secrets were heavy but keeping them was the only way to keep us together and safe.

 

Y/N POV

 

            My fingers rubbed gently over the smooth ivory keys, reverently caressing the gorgeous instrument. I wasn’t pushing hard enough to make sound, just enough to feel the weight of the keys. The city lights bled through the large bay windows, painting the room in an orange glow. It wasn’t as bright as the New York City lights, but it was enough to make me feel at home. After my dinner I couldn’t fight the itch to make my way to the amazing Steinway and Son, and I had been lucky that the doors to the ballroom weren’t locked. I was also relieved that no one had been waiting for me here. Maybe they thought I would just stay in my room like I was actually supposed to. I laughed to myself. When have I ever done anything I was supposed to do?

            I closed my eyes and let my fingers begin their choreography. My shoulders instantly relaxed as they danced across the keys, trying to figure out the pattern I could hear so clearly in my head. They stumbled a few times, but eventually, they moved together smoothly. I smiled as the tune from my mind came to life. I had been working on it for a long time. It didn’t have lyrics yet, but I could feel the chords finally coming together. This song was taking longer to finish than the others before it, but I wasn’t stuck. This would just take time to work through, and I was ok with that. Rushing never suited me well. Most songs just came in one quick blast, but others (the ones that mattered) took some time to come together perfectly.  Honestly, I had started the song before I left. I could still see the moment my obsession with it had begun.

 

_Memory (6 days before the incident)_

_I held my head in my hands, resting my elbows on the keys, creating a partial chord that was entirely unpleasant to the ears. I thought that maybe if I pressed my palms into my eyes with enough pressure, I could force the mish-mash of music into my head back into line. I would literally be able to squeeze them out of my brain, like squeezing a stubborn condiment out of the bottle. I shook my head, slamming my fingers onto the keys that had become my enemy. The ugly sound was a perfect representation of my agitation. It seemed like all I could do as of late was create ugliness._

_I glanced out over the Grammy perched on the cover, to the large bay window that overlooked lights of LA, and I cringed. I couldn’t wait for Friday. I would ask her a question she would hopefully say yes to. Then we would ride off into the sunset and take a much-needed break. We would be sat on a beach somewhere, or in a very nice engagement sweet. There would be no phones, no music, and nothing besides just the two of us. I sighed again and brought my fingers back to the keys that had defied me for weeks now. I just had to string the notes together to create a cohesive piece. It sounded simple, and at one point in my life, it was. There was a time when I could write songs in 5 minutes. When I could push out an album’s worth of stuff in a day. Now though, I would be lucky to finish a chorus in days._

_I felt the gentle hands touch run up my back and begin to squeeze my shoulders lovingly. Her perfume hit me next, the vanilla soothing my soul as I leaned back into her hands. Her hair tickled my neck as she brought her lips closer to my ear. Her movements slow and calming. The broken radio constantly playing in my brain quieted, like she had turned down the volume. She was the only person that could have this effect on me. God did I love this woman._

_“You alright love” Her lips caressed my ear as her arms wrapped around me. I nodded subtly. My mounting frustrations had made speaking another one of my enemies, and Lauren knew that._

_“You sure? Sounded like you fell on the piano.” She hummed as she sat down on the bench next to me, keeping me wrapped in her arms. I could practically feel the furrowing of her eyebrows, but I didn’t turn to look at her. It worried her that I was unable to verbalize my feelings as of late. Music had always been my outlet and now it was my enemy. She needed an audible answer, I knew that she knew that, but I wasn’t sure if I could produce that. I took a big deep breath and forced the words from my lips._

_“I’m ok. Just tired.” Fell from my lips and hung in the air. Her hands moved to rub my back comfortingly.  I hadn’t lied. I was tired of chasing the elusive tune. It was going to be a game-changer once it was finished, but I doubted that would ever happen. I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head._

_“Well, it’s really late, or early I should say. Come to bed with me?” Her response was soft. I glanced at the large clock that rested over the fireplace. It read 3:30, confirming that it was late/early. I had probably woken her with my key smashing. Would anything change if I stayed here? Probably not. If I laid down would I actually sleep? Probably not. But I could watch my love sleep. She always looked so peaceful. I finally turned to meet her deep green eyes. They weren’t tired, though it was late. They were worried. I nodded in agreement, standing from the bench and the instrument that would be my demise. I grabbed her hand and pulled her up into me, burying my head into her neck, placing a gentle kiss there. I couldn’t tell her that I loved her right now, but I would do my damndest to make her feel my love._

_She giggled as I peppered kisses along her neck and cheeks, her laughter encouraging me to place more and more. I leaned back to look at her again, and I couldn’t fight the smile that broke across my lips at her giggles. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. Her laughter died down as she moved towards our shared room, the incessant noise in my head just a low hum in the background, like a monster waiting to show itself again. But for now, I would let this beautiful woman hold the pain at bay. I would let her help me escape. I would tackle the tangled masterpiece tomorrow, and tonight I would let myself and my battered soul relax._

_End of Memory_

I let my fingers make the loop, adding flourishes where they thought best, letting my mind wander. Allowing myself to finally sort through all of the emotions swirling around my head. What I would give to just return to that moment. For her to wrap her arms around me again, to hold me together as no one else could. The piano and I had resolved our issues with each other, becoming the partners we had once been. I laughed a little to myself. I had traded all of the relationships in my life for a wooden object that couldn’t actually feel anything. An object I continuously assigned feelings to. At least it was a good listener.

          Tomorrow, today I guess, would be a long, hard day. I was tired just thinking about it. I would have to be on guard for the entire day because I knew that everyone I had ever known would be watching for signs of weakness. They would be waiting for me to show any emotion that could clue them in to what was happening behind the façade I was wholeheartedly endorsing. I could hide behind the piano for a little while, as I was supposed to be playing the song for Ally and Dallas’ first dance. But for at least a good portion of it, I would have to mingle and pretend that it didn’t feel like a knife in my stomach every time I saw them smile or laugh.

            I 100% shouldn’t feel that way because I had chosen this. I had decided to go so they could be happy. I didn’t want to play the game of back and forth. I didn’t want to have a war of words. I thought that maybe if I just walked away everything they could move on with their lives and find their happiness. I should be happy that they did find their happiness. I was a hypocrite because I wasn’t. I was jealous that they were happy without me. I sighed as I felt the song shift. I didn’t have the words for the first, but they were rapidly coming through for the new one.

 

_'Cause I wished you the best of_

_All this world could give_

_And I told you when you left me_

_There's nothing to forgive_

_But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was_

_Heartbreak and misery_

_It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_

_You're happy without me_

           

            I enjoyed the ease that the new songs were coming with. Though one was taking time, it didn’t create a block for the others. It simply moved to the back of the line and waited its turn. It was refreshing to not feel like my head would split each time a new song came to the forefront. They weren’t a tangled mess of nonsensical chords and lyrics. The soft closing of the door brought me out of my thoughts.

            “How did I know I’d find you here?” The warm hand came to gently rub my back. I sighed into the touch, one of the only touches that didn’t make me flinch.

            “because you know you raised a troublemaker.” I smiled and picked my base hand up to wrap my mother in a half hug, not quite ready to exchange the comfort of the piano for the comfort she was offering.

            “It seems I raised 4 very different troublemakers” She moved to sit on the bench next to me. That is was one of the things that had drawn me to Dianna, to begin with. She wasn’t my biological mother, but she had picked up the role with so much enthusiasm and care that no one would know the difference. We weren’t technically related, but she was and always would be my mother. She seemed to know that I didn’t want to move from the piano just yet, and she was willing to let me stay just so I felt comfortable. She also knew that if she removed my comfort item, she wouldn’t get any information from me.

            “Dallas is the only not troublemaker of the family, and Maddi is just confused,” I mumbled, finally picking up the hand that was carrying the tune to wrap her in a full hug. I felt her chuckle underneath me, running her fingers through my newly shortened hair.

            “You cut all your curls off” She hummed, ignoring the obvious implications of my statement. I leaned back slightly, and she let me go. I brought my hands back to the piano. 

            “I needed a change.” I glanced at her but started to play the tune that had been running around my head for a long time. I had run away because I was looking for something different. I hated the person that I had become. I hated what my life had become, so I had left at the first chance. Funnily enough, it was also the reason I had decided to return. I was tired of the traffic jam of music in my head, it had just taken a little push for me to decide to fix it. I was tired of running away from the people that I held dear to me. I was just tired.

            “It’s beautiful” she gestured down to where my hands were dancing along the keys. I hummed in acknowledgment, again grateful that she understood that this was how I dealt with my emotions. She wanted me to talk her through my thoughts and allowing me to play was the only way to do that.

            “It’s going to be sad. Like most of the stuff that comes out of my head nowadays.” I grumbled scrunching up my nose, but not pulling my fingers from the intricate choreography. She wasn’t pushing for information, but I still felt the need to tell her. She was one of the only people I had accepted calls from during my leave. She was the one who deserved my honesty, and she was the only one I knew I could let myself feel around.

            “Are you sad Y/N?” She asked softly but with concern, continuing to rub my back. I filtered through my emotions. Was I sad? Well I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t mad, because when I was mad it felt like there was a fire burning within me. It was all-consuming and I could never seem to douse it without explosion. Was I happy? Well, I was excited to see my sister marry the love of her life, but it reminded me that my own love life was basically in shambles.

 I guess a part of me was happy. I liked that my mother was finally here with me, giving me the comfort I desperately craved. Was I sad then? My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on in the beginning. Every time I looked in the mirror all I could see were the colors of their touch. The reds and blues covered my skin and no matter how many times I tried to wash them off they wouldn’t go. They had been the colors to cover his black, soul-eating marks. I had been delighted as the black slowly faded and was replaced with the yellows and oranges of our love. They had reminded me of the pain, like slash marks across my skin. Now though, the scorching pain had been replaced with an ever-present emptiness. I wasn’t sad; I was just blank like a canvas with all of the paint removed.

            “No, I’m just…” I paused, unsure of how to express my current predicament. “I’m just tired,” I said with finality, and I felt her hand pause on my back and I heard her take a deep, steadying breath. That had been my excuse for as long as I could remember. I had used it with Lauren, Demi and her on multiple occasions. It wasn’t a lie, just an easier way of saying that I couldn’t discern which emotions were swirling through me. Sometimes I felt sad, sometimes I felt angry and sometimes I felt completely and totally lost. The transitions between them all felt like whiplash, and it was exhausting.

            “I know the feeling,” She said quietly, without malice, resuming her rubbing after a moment. It was my turn to take a cleansing breath. I risked a glance at her, and I was surprised by what I saw. Her features were soft and concerned, nothing like the harsh anger I had been imagining. I relished in the moment of solidarity, confirming that she understood that I couldn’t put words to the variety of emotions I was feeling.

            “I’m sorry?” I mumbled, turning away from her, and focusing on the masterpiece at my fingertips. I didn’t want her to feel bad. This wasn’t her fault. If anyone was to blame, it was me.

            “I don’t think you’re the only one” She hummed along to the tune I found myself playing. I froze. The A-minor chord ringing out through the room abruptly. I turned to look at her wide-eyed, and she chuckled at my deer in the headlight’s expression.

            “You can’t honestly think that you’re the only one responsible for this mess?” she chuckled, scratching the back of my neck like one would a puppy. How did she always seem to know what I was thinking? Maybe it was a mom thing?

            “Isn’t it though?” I said quietly. I had engineered my defeat. Lauren had told me to go, and I had left. Demi had told me that she never wanted to see me again, and I had obliged her. They had both asked that I sign the stupid contract and I had. I knew that my reputation would be gone, and I was strangely unaffected by it. I had to face the fact that I just wasn’t good enough for them. That was my fault.

            “I think that there are three women who owe you a very large apology. One of them is sitting in my room right now, ready to do that, if you want.” She hummed as she leaned back to look me in the eyes. I felt naked under her gaze like she was looking directly into my soul. I had to fight not to fidget. Was everyone just waiting for their opportunity to talk to me? Did they all know I was here? Maybe they were waiting to tell me what I already knew, that they were better off without me. They weren’t to blame for this fiasco, and I needed her to know that.

            “I broke Demi’s table and bled all over her living room” I blurted out, looking away from her. I had literally thrown a cup and lamp across the room. I punched her table and got a bunch of glass stuck in my hand. I had always told her that a white couch was a terrible idea. I needed her to know that I wasn’t the victim in this thing. I had done some bad things too.

            “Both of which were easily replaced.” She said with finality, abruptly cutting off my racing thoughts. She knew what I was doing, and she wasn’t going to have it. She was going to force me to acknowledge that I wasn’t the only one at fault. I didn’t like that.   
            “just as easily as I was replaced,” I said back, and it felt like a weight settled between the two of us.

            “I don’t think that’s true either.” She said more quietly, her hands resuming their movements on my back, just pushing a little harder. It was like she was trying to pet away my pain. I let out a mirthless laugh.

            “Demi went on the tour that we planned to do together with Nick, and Lauren is currently dating a rapper. It seems to me that everyone has moved on with their lives except for me. I’m the only one stuck between the past and the present.” I gave her a gloomy smile, and she pulled me into a hug. I sighed and just let myself be held. It was nice to let someone else hold all of my problems and pain. It was tempting to think that I could have this forever, but I couldn’t. Tomorrow I would have to hold myself together. I would smile and mingle and avoid them at all costs. I would let the littlest troublemaker apologize because my mother had asked me to. Then I would leave the comfort behind in favor of finding a new hiding spot somewhere, maybe. Or maybe I would let myself be held for a while longer. I would let myself become accustomed to having someone care. I would make the recording session I had Lexa set up for me. That would shock the fans, wouldn’t it? For now, I would return to her room and let her care for me. This weekend was about Dallas and Ally and giving her this would let her focus on them.  That would be my choice for today.

 

** Demi POV **

           

            I sighed contently as I snuggled further into my beautiful girlfriend’s neck. We had only been apart for a few days, but I always missed her. Her arm wrapped tighter around me, causing a warm and fuzzy feeling to bloom in my chest. Few would believe that I was the little spoon in our relationship, and I would never admit to it in public, but I loved being held. I leaned up to kiss her again, frowning slightly as I tasted the alcohol on her breath. I leaned back and scrunched my face at her, and she chucked at me.

            “I would have brushed my teeth babe, but I believe someone jumped me before I got the chance.” She laughed, clearly amused by my expression of disgust.

            “Yeah Dem, you’ve been all over her since the moment she walked into the room.” Dallas joined into the teasing from her place on the bed next to the one I was sharing with my girl.

            “Shut up you two.” I huffed, sitting up fully, and pointing my girlfriend towards the bathroom. “What else did you drink, because champagne doesn’t leave a taste like that” I questioned more seriously. My girlfriend and my sister shared a quick glance like they were trying to get on the same page.

            “I had an old fashion or two.” She said carefully, almost like she was hoping I would just drop the whole thing. Normally I would have, but the feeling that the two were trying to keep something from me made me suspicious. I wasn’t’ the alcohol police, and she was an adult who could make her own decisions, but I was uneasy that she hadn’t been upfront about it.

            “With Taylor?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. The two were great friends, and the old fashioned happened to be Taylor’s favorite drink, while Selena preferred something much sweeter. Again, the two women shared a glance, and I caught Dallas’ slight nod. I opened my mouth to protest their silent forms of communication when a knock at the door cut me off.

            “Who the fuck is at the door at 3 am?” I groaned loudly, frustrated that I had been cut off when I was about to confirm the thing that everyone was speculating. If Selena wasn’t drinking with Taylor, there was only one other person she could be drinking hard alcohol with. The person who everyone was seemingly determined to protect.

            “It’s mom,” Dallas said, her eyes moving from my girlfriends to my own.

            “Why is mom up so late?” I grumbled as Selena went to open the door, letting our very tired looking mother inside. I turned to look at her, opening my mouth to repeat my question, when her glare effectively cut me off. I had only seen that look one other time, during the intervention that would convince me to get help.

            “I don’t want to hear it. Sit down and listen.” She snapped, pointing at the three of us and the bed. Holy hell, there was only one reason for her to be this pissed.

            “What..?” I began but closed my mouth when she held her hand up. Whatever had pulled her out of bed must be serious, and I fidgeted in my seat like a scolded child.

            “I’m going to say this once because we all have to be up at an ungodly hour tomorrow. I am ashamed of what you have done to your second youngest sister. I have only seen her so placid one other time, and that was right before we found out the extent of her relationship with your father.” She began, and I looked at the ground, my worst fear confirmed. She was here. She was here, and she wasn’t angry, she was broken. We had broken her. I had read the book and hoped that I was misinterpreting the signals. If only I could be so lucky.  

            “We aren’t going to go over all of the little details tonight. But after tomorrow, we are all going to sit down, and you and Lauren are going to tell us what the fuck is going on. And I don’t mean the shit you have been feeding to the media. You are going to tell us why Y/N is yet again taking the blame for something that I’m sure isn’t completely her fault. Am I _CLEAR!”_ She continued angrily, and I shrunk back a little. She was scary when she was mad.      

            “But what if it _is_ Y/N’s Fault?” I huffed back, crossing my arms like a petulant child. It wasn’t, but I wasn’t the only one to blame either. If Y/N had just fought for us then maybe things would be different.

            “Because I’m sure she wanted the news tabloids to be calling her a player for the next year. Or for the best relationship, she’s ever had to be ripped to shreds. Yeah, Demi, that makes perfect sense. You know, it always feels like she’s the one giving. Maybe it’s time that you give a little too. We don’t keep secrets in this family. We are going to have a nice day tomorrow because it’s not about us, then we are going to talk this out. We are going to get everything out in the open. We are going to fix this. Because that’s what family does. Am I clear?” My mother finished much softer than she had begun. Y/N had to be in bad shape if my mother was this concerned. Of course, she was in bad shape, I chastised myself. She had lost everything she loved in a very short time span. We had turned on her and turned the fans too. The thought made me sick to my stomach. But part of the contract was that no one could know the terms.

            “She made her choice,” I said with finality, preventing any emotion from leaking into those words.

            “And I’m making another one. Clear?” My mother bit back, not leaving any room for discussion. I gave her a slight nod. There wasn't any point in arguing with her, she had played her hand. Tomorrow I would get the opportunity to play my own, just as Lauren and Y/N would get the same chance. Hopefully, it wouldn't end in the fireworks I was imagining. We all had a flair for the dramatics, and a bunch of singer in a room together was bound to end in excitement.

            “Get some sleep you three because tomorrow is going to be a long day.” She said quietly, before turning and exiting the room. Silence hung in the air as the door slammed after her. The decision had been made. Y/N was going to be present tomorrow, that much was clear, and my mother was determined to rebuild the bridge that Lauren and I had sent up in flames. It was a nice thought, but I knew that the ball wasn’t in her court. It would have to be a mutual decision between Lauren, Y/N and myself, and when have we ever done what anyone else wanted us to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you made it to the end of the Chapter, thank you so much for reading. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I'm still super bogged down between school and applications so I have no earthly idea when the next chapter will be up, hopefully before Christmas, but I have to get through finals between then and now also. So I hope you Enjoy!!! Leave comments and suggestions. As always stay beautiful.   
> A.J.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave comments, ideas and such below.


End file.
